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Alone

by ToxicRabbit


Silence,
This space is,
Desolate, 
Alone. 

Where are you?

I am gone,
A black shadow,
No more,
Alone.

Who am I?

I cannot see,
For I am blinded,
They have taken them,
My eyes.

How did I get here?

The soft breeze,
Crashes against my delicate cheek,
Swaying,
Brushing.

I am gone.


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Fri Oct 25, 2013 3:15 am
DarkRavenGrimm wrote a review...



This poem was really good and a little spooky but still great. My favorite stanza was "I am gone,
A black shadow,
No more,
Alone.". This really a good piece of art and i would like to more of them like this. The message is really clear and is conveyed through the poem and was expressed really well. I can't wait to see more poems that just as great as this one.




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 5:59 am
blakey789 wrote a review...



The poem carries the weight of the expression you are trying to convey, the style is apt for it.
But sometimes, it seems kind of odd the way you have answered the questions you have asked, if you get what I mean.

like :-
"I cannot see,
For I am blinded,
They have taken them,
My eyes"

If you've mentioned you are blind, you don't need to tell us that they have taken your eyes.
It looks like a desperate attempt of sounding serious and deep but sometimes it come back hollow.
Still, you're not bad.
Keep up the good work. :)




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 1:57 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, rabbit.

I really like how you formatted this, with the one line, and then the question. And the feeling it evokes is awesome. Nice.

As with almost all poetry, though, it's going to need to be revised a bit.

Silence,
This space is,
Desolate,
Alone.

I think you need a period at the end of line one instead of a comma. Also, don't put a comma after "this space is" because there wouldn't be one there in a regular sentence.

Where are you?

This line differs from all the other questions because it addresses an unknown "you" instead of an "I." Pick one, and make the questions consistent. Unless you illustrate more fully who this "you" is. Then go ahead.

I am gone,
A black shadow,
No more,
Alone.

You end the poem with the line "I am gone." But here, you start a stanza with the same line. I think you should save this bald line for last. Replace it with something else more descriptive.

They have taken them,

I really appreciate that you italicized "they" up there. That's what I would do if I had no chance to describe "they." But here, since you've got so little already on the descriptions of setting and character, I'd like to know who "they" are.

The soft breeze,
Crashes against my delicate cheek,

When I think of a soft breeze, I don't think of it crashing. I like that you describe it as crashing, but the rest of your words are too soft in this stanza to support "crashing." Also, it's a rather abrupt change between this stanza and the last line. I suggest rearranging the stanzas so you can put a darker stanza nearer to the darkness of the end.

Altogether, it was an enjoyable read. Nice job. I hope that this was a helpful review. Happy poeting!




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:45 am
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spinelli wrote a review...



But what does it meeeaaaan??? I really don't know, and I would like to.

I want a poem to be kind of heavy. I mean, like a really nice meal, like a heavy dinner. This can be mac and cheese or a plate of corn dogs; basically, I would take anything besides a TV dinner or a cup of ramen noodles.

In this case, I feel like I have a lot of flavors, like you poured a bit of salt and mixed it with some paprika with a little soy sauce and then put a slice of jalapeno on the top of it, but that doesn't make a meal, if you know what I'm saying.

Basically, I'm really hungry, and after metaphorically eating this poem, I'm probably going back to the metaphorical pantry to look for something else. What you need is more structure, more substance, a more nutritious, wholesome meal that doesn't have a nice picture on the box that, when you microwave it, smells weird and doesn't taste much like anything.

I hope this helps.




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:23 pm
MaKriege wrote a review...



This has a very weird, almost spooky presence. I wasn't scared or horrified, but it didn't seem like a normal poem either. Honestly it reminded me of a serial killer note (in a good way). I definetly think you made a good choice in genre. My one critque, though it barely applies is the lack of phrasing. For the most part it works really good to have a choppy, unflowy text with a poem like this, but some is still useful. Beautiful stuff and very soul searching. Well done. :)




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:39 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there rabbit! Dogs here with your review today. Firstly welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here and you can always send me a PM or anything if you need any help or advice. Ok lets dive in now shall we? To start this is a good piece of writing, I like the imagery and I like the idea of it. You do a very good job with your rhythm in your writing. Although I would like to see more, more imagery. I want to see where they are at, even if it's straight blackness you need to describe the nameless darkness, how there is nothing to see and just endless darkness in every direction. How the darkness devours your sanity and purity. Thats something I think you should really elaborate more on in this poem.

"The soft breeze/ Crashes against my delicate cheek,"

Ok good line with nice imagery, although this is really the only time in your poem where your great rhythm falls off the boat. Your first line is too short to be followed up by a longer line. So either make the first line longer or make the second line shorter and that'll help your flow.

Really I don't have much of anything to say about your poem beacuse it is qutie well written. It just needs more in it, I want to read more of your great writing style. You need to add some more imagery, set up the situation and the surrondings. That is what will give your poem a stronger base and therefore can be built higher and rise to greater prospects. Alright well let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 8:40 pm
Staarryskyy says...



I like it, It's very interesting. Leaves a lot to the imagination. Makes me wonder what the story behind it is. Keep up the good work :)




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 8:39 pm
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hey ToxicRabbit!

This is a really interesting poem. I like how you alternate between traditional stanzas and one-line questions. It gives it an interesting effect, and I think it supports the rest of the poem in a unique sort of way.

The first and last stanzas are my favorite, though I find the middle two to be somewhat lacking. The imagery and feeling present in the first and last are so interesting to me, but the second and third just aren't as attractive to me for some reason. It feels as if the focus shifts away from the feeling of empty silence and powerlessness, which is really very beautiful, and becomes about being gone and blinded which just seems out of sync with the rest of the poem? I don't just, it might just be me. xD

While I like the questions, the one thing that throws me about them is that they don't always relate to the stanzas that follow. Maybe they're not supposed to? But when the first one does ("Where are you"), and it sets up this expectation that they're meant to lead into the stanza that follows them. Or at least should follow it up, which they don't either. I like the effect they present by being there, but they need to be more uniform (even in that some refer to "you" and others refer to "I").

And the last thing I want to mention is the use of punctuation in this poem. In poetry, knowing when to use punctuation is important, but it's also important to know when not to use punctuation. Every line here ends with either a comma or a period, when it hardly ever needs to. You could probably cut all the commas and be perfectly okay (the line break suggests a pause anyway, and you don't need a comma to do the same thing).

Other than that, I really did enjoy this poem! With a little tweaking it could be great!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-





A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles