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No Words

by Loller65


Daniel stood atop the hill, pondering for awhile his own mortality. In his hand was a pistol, grown icy in the crisp morning air, the dark grey metal polished to a sheen. His finger brushed against the trigger, and for the briefest of moments he considered putting the barrel in his mouth and squeezing. The moment passed, and he started down the hill, cutting a dark trail through the dewy, knee-high grass. Before long, Daniel's shins were soaked, his trousers clinging to his legs. His toes squished and squelched uncomfortably in his boots. Shuddering, he pressed on, a small cabin materializing in the early morning mist. As soon as he saw it, he thought of her.

The door flew open from the force of his kick. She was at the stove, making breakfast. Daniel pulled the trigger, ripping a dark red hole in her gut. He turned on his heel, towards the bedroom, where her husband could be heard scrambling frantically for his shotgun. Daniel was faster, though. He sent the man's brains out the back of his head. He pondered the corpse before pumping the rest of his bullets into it. Satisfied, he turned to leave, only to find her wriggling about on the floor, weakly clutching her hemorrhaging stomach. Daniel squatted down the her level and watched as she clawed towards him, trying desperately to vocalize something, likely a cry for help. He ground his teeth together and stood, leaving the cabin and trekking back up the hill. He turned to give the small structure one last look. She deserved better than to die like that, he mused, before turning and walking down the opposite side of the hill and away from the cabin, and away from her.


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Sat Feb 09, 2013 7:52 pm
reowine wrote a review...



uh oh, jealous man? Seems like it, at least that's my take. It seems like he didn't know she was married and had a bit of a breakdown after he processed it. Cheatin' be crazy!

Anyway, it was a good story and had pretty good detail and didn't dwell on anything for too long. The only issues I have with it are the paragraph issues. There are definitely many places where you could use some and it would also make everything seem longer and more organized.

"Before long, Daniel's shins were soaked, his trousers clinging to his legs. His toes squished and squelched uncomfortably in his boots. Shuddering, he pressed on, a small cabin materializing in the early morning mist. As soon as he saw it, he thought of her." That should be a paragraph, for example :)

Also, you should elaborate a small bit as to why he did all this. What I said earlier was just my interpretation, but we all want to know why the man really did this.

Other than that this is a really good story! Good job!




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Sat Feb 09, 2013 2:39 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



hi there, Loller.

Gosh darn it, that was good. I don't often say that. But this? Right here? You got it.

That being said, I do have a few things I'd like to address.

The moment passed, and he started down the hill, cutting a dark trail through the dewy, knee-high grass. Before long, Daniel's shins were soaked, his trousers clinging to his legs.
Between these two lines should be a new paragraph. It's starting a new thought, and it would do better with a new paragraph.

His toes squished and squelched uncomfortably in his boots.

I think that both squished and squelched are unnecessary in one line. I like squelched, and it's kind of an uncomfortable word. I'd take out squished.

As soon as he saw it, he thought of her.

The one thing I didn't like about this piece is that there seems to be no reason why he kills these two people. This line would be excellent for leading into a short explanation. I don't need much. Just a little, so I can understand.

Everything moves very fast in the second paragraph. Slow it down. If it feels too slow for you, it's probably the right speed for the reader.

How does the husband know to get his shotgun? I know that there is a gunshot, but I'm sure the wife screamed or dropped something, too. That kind of wound produces noise. Serious noise. If you're trying to be realistic, slow down and think about the characters other than your main character.

Satisfied, he turned to leave, only to find her wriggling about on the floor, weakly clutching her hemorrhaging stomach.

Make the line after this a new paragraph.

The end is unsatisfying. Probably because I don't know why. And doesn't the wife have anything to say to this man? I'd like her to feel more three dimensional, instead of a sheep.

Altogether, though, you have a really good grasp of what makes good fiction. That first paragraph is just... Holy mother. I love it.

I hope this review was helpful. You did an excellent job. Happy writing!




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 12:52 pm
noninjaes wrote a review...



A very short review here for you today.

This certainly was an interesting read. Though mind you, it certainly took a turn that I wasn't expecting. The more violent ending certainly surprised me. I was expecting something a little more sentimental and loving. Though I must say, despite the unexpected violence, the descriptions in this piece do deserve some kudos.

The language and such is good. I also didn't see any grammar faults. Though, I would liked to have seen this broken up into a couple more paragraphs.

The progression of the story is also good though I certainly do prefer the tone and ideas first presented in the beginning of the story, but that's maybe because I felt more sympathy for a suicidal man then a seemingly cold, heartless killer.

One thing I would have liked to have seen explored more in this story is why the main character did what he did though. Otherwise, a rather good short story that wasn't that bad of a read. So kudos, and as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 12:46 pm
noninjaes says...



Oops. Got a little mouse button happy and accidentally posted half finished. Full review above.




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:19 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



=Hey there loller,

As Kyll says, this is super short. I don't mind that it's short because it's to the point and this is really a kind of one shot (lol) flash piece. I do think we need a little more than what we have though. I need to know a little bit of the why. It doesn't have to be a lot, just a word here or there to explain the bizarrely extreme violence going on. I assume he is an ex-lover, but that's really only because he was so violent against the husband in particular. That is what puts a damper on the story for me because I just don't feel it.

I'd also little a little more filling with the actions. Kyll is right in that the pacing is off. I, personally, think the pacing is off from the moment he kicks the door in. She's at the stove making breakfast but she doesn't drop a pan, or gasp in surprise, it moves too fast. He doesn't just kick it open, see her immediately and shoot exactly. That's a sense of believable against the not, right now I can't believe that that's what he did. He doesn't hesitate, which is fine but means his hate is a pretty middle hate, he's had enough time to decide this is what he wants, but not enough time to want to gloat. That is also fine, he gets that hate into the husband, who he is probably jealous of.

I don't like that he ponders the corpse. He isn't really doing that, he's just looking at it, that isn't a man, he doesn't have to think about it. This is what he was always going to do. I think a word like "considered" would work better, it shows the slightly detached thought process going on. She deserved better than to die like that is good, but I'd like to know why. I'm fixated a little on that, it seems!

I found your initial paragraph forgettable. I enjoyed the knee high grass soaking his trousers, though found it weird he had such crap boots when he clearly is familiar with the mountain/country side. His internal ministrations about the gun didn't interest me. I liked that it happened quickly, that he didn't dwell on the shoot-or-not, but it was basically a non-event. Also, “pistol” in the first line is spelt incorrectly.

Thanks for writing this, I’m always interested to read flash fiction because I think it gives a better look into specific scenes, and I’m into that.




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 8:41 am
ela00051u says...



this is great you have such strong language and i just want to read more and more




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:57 am
Kale wrote a review...



You weren't kidding when you said this was a very, very short story. XD With that said, it makes it all the quicker to read (and review ;P).

Daniel stood atop the hill, pondering for awhile his own mortality.

Well, that's a pretty pretentious first line. I mean really. Who uses phrases like "pondering for awhile" on a regular basis? Almost no one, and such an uncommon and awkwardly unnatural phrasing pretty much screams to the jaded reader within me "trying too hard to be profound".

I think this sentence would be much stronger if you killed the "for awhile" bit. It'll make the first sentence snappier, as well as far less pretentious.

He pondered the corpse before pumping the rest of his bullets into it.

And this was the point where the pacing just fell apart. I think you really need to add some sort of timing-related description, to keep the chain of events clearer as well as the time frame they're taking place in. Something as simple as a "He pondered the corpse for a moment" would go a long way in smoothing things out.

Since there's no time frame given for the events in the second half of this, they all feel rushed, like they're immediately occurring one after the other in quick succession, which isn't good. It makes the ending far weaker than it could be, and makes the violence almost comical.

So, basically, give a clear time frame of events in the second half. It won't take much, but it will make the ending that much stronger.



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ela00051u says...


that was great


Random avatar
ela00051u says...


that was great




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