Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Yoda called me and said, "We need help, Evil Man destroyed the Ville!?" His name is Dark Troop. He's a destroyer of Madsion Ville City. He killed a man with his bare hands. He was a nice troop, But he became evil. When he died, He was reborn with powers, Evil Powers. Young SkyWalker said, "I'm headed your way ok?" I'm going to help Yoda, He's in trouble. Dark Troop is going crazy on them. I'm going to help them, A plane was bombing us, But they missed. We shot back, but we didn't missat all, We shot them. Young SkyWalker was happy, but sad at the same time, His friend was in there. Another plane shotthe plane. Young SkyWalker said," we are in serious danger, I'm going to call Yoda back!" "Yoda, I'm on my way ok, We bin hit by a bomber?"

Hey there rwg.

This should be labeled under Fanfiction, because this is clearly a Star Wars Fanfiction. You might also want to mention that, otherwise you're risking copyright infringement and trouble, if I have my fact straight. This isn't a very good fa Fanfiction, either. I don't even know what this is, a chapter, an excerpt, or what. It's certainly, however, a massive info dump. This is a cliche which must be avoided in a novel at all costs. This doesn't actually make me, or any of the readers I expect, want to read any more of this, because it's not written that well. You may want to do some research on the Star Wars universe, read some decent books, learn how to write dialogue properly, and brush up your english, before attempting to write something. On the bright side, Star Wars is a good franchise to write a fanfiction about, I applaud your choice.

Oh and it's Skywalker, not SkyWalker.

~Ita

Hello bookwriter! Dogs here with your review today. Ok nice topic here I always love star wars stuff. Building off of what Rydia said, you are missing a little of key elements here. When I read this I feel like I'm just reading a really short summary of a book. There isn't much arch or description to this which makes it difficult to read. The key component to any sort of creative writing is imagery, without it your writing will collapse and it leaves the reader blind and confused. I need to see the environment that Skywalker is in. Is he in bespin? Endor? Hoth? Alderan? What does it look like where he's at? Is he in the desert or forest? You leave these questions completely un answered and I want to know whats happening there.

Furthermore, you rush your plot line completely, it's like I'm reading a little list of how my day went. I talked to yoda, I saw a plane, It shot at us, we shot at them, their aim sucked, they blew up, I called yoda. Reading that just seems a little flat. You need some more arch and description about how the peppering of bullets interrupted what you were saying to Yoda and how the deafening explosion of bombs forced you guys to stay in one place yada yada.

Also connecting to Rydia, you need to use more varying in your word usage, create a wider range of vocabulary. Basically you say "I'm going to help yoda, he's in trouble" and then one sentence later you say "i'm going to help them" we know you're going to help them, you already told us. As a reader we can only believe what you type, so there is no need to repeat yourself there.

All and all this is a good start for a piece, but it needs some polishing and touchups. With a little work this can be an excellent book and I look forward to reading it. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey there RWG

Okay, so you've got a bunch of text here and I'm not sure if it's because of YWS formatting or because you wrote it like that. I'm going to hope it was the former and try my best to fix that.

So look at the spoiler if you dare.

Hello!

Okay so this is fan-fiction? I don't know much about Star Wars I'm afraid, but I recognise SkyWalker and Yoda so I must be on the right track! The first thing you need is to write this as a story. The part at the beginning where you tell us you wrote it two years ago and the 'meeting the characters' need to be separated from the rest as those aren't a part of it. You don't actually need them at all as it's the story we're interested in!

Sentence Variation

What I'd advise is you need to change your sentence lengths more. At the moment this feels choppy because you've got a lot of short sentences all right after one another. What you need are some longer, more descriptive ones to fill the gap. You can either describe what your characters are doing or what they look like, but this will help to build atmosphere and it will make those short sentences more effective. Think of them as mini explosions. If you have a lot of explosions in a row, after a while they don't seem so loud or so scary, but if you've got a long quiet spell and then SNAP! Short sentence! That will pull your reader up short and it will make them listen and pay attention.

How to say things

I don't want to give you too much to think about/ fix at once so I'll just cover two points for now, but the next one is phrasing. At the moment some of your sentences don't work because they're mixing tenses or using the verb in the wrong way. These are things you will pick up the more you write, but I'll point a few out now and show you the fixes to get you started:

'One of my Teachers helps me Learn to ride a jet' <<You don't need a capital for Teachers or Learn.

'My Wife's name is Ashley.'

'She always visits there.'

Overall

This needs work but the more we write the better we get so keep going! Add in some descriptions and read more books as that will help you with how to phrase things and it's the best piece of advice any writer can be given. Reading helps us to see what works in a book and to get ideas for how to structure our own stories that we're writing!

Hopefully that helps a bit

Heather xxx