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Forbidden Love

by FrenchDaisy


I love the sound of my clydesdale's hooves sinking into the mud. I watched Zeus's black and white ears flick back and turning his head to look behind us.I also looked I wanted to see what all the yelling was about I saw two guards carrying a limp body towards theAngel jail. I turned Zeus to face them and cantered toward them. When I saw them stop and walk to meet us I stopped Zeus and continued on foot. "Hello Miss Fox" one guard said "hello to you too, who is this" I demanded staring deeply into the boy's eyes he was pale just like all the other Angels, his moss green eyes huge with horror, his shaggy red hair constantly falling in his eyes. "This pile of trash" the other guard scowled "we found lurking around the Tavern of Sacred Stone" this angered me so I stared deeper into his eyes watching them get wider. "I'll report this to my father" I said turning towards Zeus with out another word.

I let go of Zeus's white mane and stepped up the steps that lead to the front door of the small, brick house my father and I shared. I opened the door and walked across the creaky wooden floor not even bothering to close it. When I reached my father's office I peaked my head in to see my father's smiling face. "Hello Crystal" My father said getting up and crossing the room to hug me, "how was patrol" he asked motioning me to sit down in a long red leather couch. "Interesting"Ianswered "Doug and Troy found an Angel hanging around the Tavern of Sacred Stone, they were taking him to the Angel jail" I got up and went into the kitchen to make coffee. "Stay here" my father said a serious look on his face as he tucked a brown strand of hair be hind my ear, putting his black leather coat on and running out into the cold unforgiving night.


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158 Reviews


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:24 pm
Veeren wrote a review...



Hello there, French :D
Since what you have here is a block of text, I'm going to go ahead and try to fix that.
So check the spoiler to see your first paragraph as it should be.

Spoiler! :
I loved the sound of my Clydesdale's hooves sinking into the mud. I watched Zeus's black and white ears flick back, and turning his head to look behind us. I also looked, I wanted to see what all the yelling was about.
^
I saw There were two guards carrying a limp body towards the Angel jail. I turned Zeus to face them and we cantered toward them. When I saw them stop and walk to meet us I stopped Zeus and continued on foot my own.
^
"Hello Miss Fox," one guard said.
^
"Hello to you too, who is this are you?" I demanded, staring deeply into the boy's eyes.
^
He was pale just like all the other Angels, his moss green eyes huge with horror, his shaggy red hair constantly falling in his eyes.
^
"This pile of trash," the other guard scowled, "we found lurking around the Tavern of Sacred Stone."
^
This angered me. so I stared deeper into his eyes, watching them get wider. "I'll report this to my father." I said. turning towards back Zeus with out another word.


You should probably be able to fix up the second paragraph on your own. If you, feel free to find me ;)
You have an interesting start to a story, and it would definitely be interesting to expand on it.
So until then, keep up the good work, and keep on writing :D




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Fri Feb 08, 2013 1:47 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey, FrenchDaisy, welcome to YWS~ I'm glad you've already posted your first work, and I hope you'll get out there and post some reviews on others' works soon! PM me if you have any questions about the site, okay?

As for this, there are several things that intrigue me, the foremost of which is the idea of Angels and Angel jail. Just by mentioning these things so casually, you make the reader wonder: who is in charge if the angels are not? what happened to make angels seem like such criminals? what is the setting of this story, if a girl can ride horses here, but angels are also here? do angels have wings? what makes an angel?

Also by displaying your characters' reactions to the angel's location, we wonder what is important about the Tavern of Sacred Stone, what might be contained within, why they're worried that an angel would be next to it, and what this angel was actually doing. You're rustling up a lot of interest right away! But most of that interest is in just a couple of sentences of this.

Other times, your sentences really drag. You don't have to describe every single movement a character makes or every time they turn their head. That means you don't have to say that she let go of Zeus and "stepped up the steps", you can just say "When I reached my father's office", and we'll know she went there. There's nothing important in the getting there, as far as I can see. There's a lot of unnecessary gesture description in the first paragraph that I bet you can weed out for yourself.

Now, some descriptions seemed pretty generic. For example, his red hair was constantly falling in his eyes? How? From my image of the scene, he's being held by people, not really moving his head around. I feel like if he got his hair to stay in one place, it'd stay there. I don't see the movement that creates the constant falling. The other part that bothered me was when you said the father gave her a "serious look". What's that mean? What parts of his face were involved? Has she seen that look any other time? What does it make her feel?

I think you've got a good start, but you should make sure every sentence is absolutely necessary to the forward motion of the story. When you do that, you can cover much more action and time in the span of your book than otherwise. C:

PM me if you have any questions, please!

Good luck and keep writing~




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Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:18 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Clydsdale should be Clydesdale.

If you're trying to spell the greek god's name, it is Zeus, not Zuez.

"I watched Zeuz's black and white ears flick back and finally turning his head to look behind us"

This is incredibly awkwardly worded, firstly take out the "finally" and rearange the words a little. I'd suggest saying: I watched Zeus's black and white ears flick back while his head turned to look behind us.

Ok most of your lines are huge run on sentences, which makes your work choppy to read. Also you have a problem sometimes of spacing with words and occasionally after periods. Every time after a word/ period there should be a space. I understand that the copy and pasting into the YWS submission stuff can get the formatting messed up but those are things as a reader you need to look over a edit before you post.

"deeply into the boy's eyes he was pale..."

Ok here is an example of an epic run on. Use a comma here or a period, I would suggest a comma. So it should say: "deeply into the boy's eyes, he was pale..." Also you should have new paragraphs with dialogue unless it's being said by the same person. It'll help the reader when reviewing your work.

"and stepped up the steps that..."

what? What steps? you need to create the scenery of what everything looks like. Where you are, what you're doing yada yada. In the beginning you only talk about the horse, so these steps just appearing out of the blue is confusing to the reader.

"Tavern of Sacred Stone they were taking"

need a comma here. You should say: "Tavern of Sacred Stone, they were taking..."

Ok this is a very weak point to end a chapter on, especially because it is so short and informative. You never tell us where you are, what year this is in or the scenery or anything. I am blind as a reader and I can't picture anything you're trying to write about except the horse. I don't know what the people or the angel looks like or anything. The imagery is a huge part of your writing and should be used effectively every time. Without it your writing will fail unless you're writing an article or essay. Great starting ideas here and this has a lot of potential. Let me know if you ever need a review and keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





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