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Young Writers Society



Uncertainty

by ParisCarter


The town was soundly asleep enjoying the quiet, peaceful night dreaming, but there was one boy who couldn’t go to sleep. He sat in his bed wrapped in black sheets, keeping him warm in the harsh mid fall nights. Tossing and turning, he thought he would never go to sleep.

One thing on his mind kept him from shutting his eyes and falling into a peaceful rest. A girl. But it wasn’t any girl; it was the girl he like. She was one of the most beautiful girls he had ever met. Her long black hair, which was twisted into skinny braids that always rested perfectly on her shoulders.

Yawn!

The boy gave out a deep yawn before he turned over to his side. He looked at his clock. It was 1 o’clock in the morning that meant he had only 6 hours before he had to wake to go to school. School. For some odd reason that put a smile on his face. Even though he was going to be trapped in classroom learning about stuff he rather die than know, he was going to see her. He was going to get to stare at her beautiful face, hear her beautiful voice that was music to his ears, and hopefully he would be able to hold her hand as he walked her to class, but he knew that wasn’t going to happen.

He tossed over.

Second after second past and he still couldn’t stop thinking of her. Was she doing the same? Was she lying in her bed tossing and turning thinking about him? No, she was probably sleeping dreaming of another. That thought never occurred to him. Did she like him back? She laughed at all of his jokes that’s a good thing. Wasn’t it? She always gave a warm smile, to him, but then again she did that to everyone. He hated this feeling of uncertainty it made him feel as if he was going to explode full of questions.

He turned back over to face the clock that sat on his night stand next to his bed. It now read one thirty. He sighed. He wanted to go to sleep; he didn’t know if he could take this feeling anymore. He wanted to close his eyes and only dream of her. Them. Dancing around on clouds high above the earth, no one else to bother them.

What was happening to him? This wasn’t the way he felt the other day before he meet her. Now he stood awake late every night thinking about her until his eyes gave in and collapsed. How much more could he take?

He stared outside of his window at the street. It was just like any other quite night, the streetlight blinking on and off, the wind slowly blew the small tree that grew outside his window, and the crickets sung their melodies.

Yawn!!

This time the boy yawned even louder. His eyes started to get heavier, but he knew he was far from falling asleep. Even though his vision through his half open eyes was blurry, he could still see the perfect image of her in his head in perfect quality. From every curve that filled her body to every detail that made up her braided hair.

Smiling, the boy though of how nervous he was when he first meet her, she was so quite than, but now she was more comfortable around him. He saw her every day at lunch—the best 30 minutes of his day. He still remembered every conversation they had, all the laughs they shared, all the times he started into her brown eyes, and she stared back. What was this he was feeling? Was this love?

Is this what men cried out from the top of mountains? Was it because of this feeling that Romeo sacrificed his life to be with Juliet for forever? No, it couldn’t be, he was only 14. He knew the chances of them getting married were slim to none. But that didn’t mean he didn’t have a chance. He could make this work, somehow, someway; he was going to make this work. He was going to show her his deepest emotions, his deepest thoughts.His deepest secrets.For her he would give up everything, all his friends, his electronics, his trophies, everything he worked so hard to make.

Was she the one? No, what was he thinking he was only so young, so young, O’ so young, and naive. He didn’t know what he was talking about.He tossed over once again.

He stared at the tall mirror that was nailed to the wall. He stared at his image. He looked so sad, his eyes looked as if they were going to collapse shut at any second, but he knew that he couldn’t close them. Because he knew if he closed them, he would only dream of her, and when he awoke, he would forget everything. All the time they spent together in some land far away that existed solely in his mind, forget the love they shared. If only he could make it real. Make the love they shared in his dreams into reality into a love that he could hold in his hands, feel with his heart, and see even when his eyes are close.

Yawn!!!

Another yawn escaped his throat, he knew that would be his last yawn before his eyes gave in and slammed shut, but he didn’t want to sleep. He only wanted to think of her. But he knew the only thing better than thinking about her, was actually holding her, seeing her, hearing her soft voice. What would happen tomorrow? Only god knew, but that didn’t stop him from dreaming.


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User avatar
9 Reviews


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Reviews: 9

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Mon Mar 18, 2013 5:05 pm
musiclover11 wrote a review...



This story was very good I liked how it flows and your language and writing is great. Overall i think this is one of the best story's i have read on this site. I think that this is a story everyone can relate to.

The setting could have been explained better i think if you explained the environment more the story would have a better feel. As a writer, you want to paint a picture for your readers. They should be able to see the character in the environment, see what the character sees, feel what the character feels.

The characters were nicely displayed but i would like to know more about the relationship between the girl and the boy. He talks about how he doesn't know if she likes him but are they friends or are they just acquaintances.

There were a few spelling mistakes that i saw but other than that the story was well written. There was a good beginning that pulled you into the story. The story made sense and it flowed very nicely.

Other than what i have mentioned above the story was great. I loved it and i wish you well on your writing. XD




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267 Reviews


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Wed Feb 06, 2013 8:20 pm
Nike wrote a review...



This is Nike, hello.

-Review-

>The first thing I want to talk about is your story overall. It has a brilliant idea, something anyone can relate to. Your writing flowed together. I liked your idea of a boy trying to sleep but can't because he's thinking of a girl. It's so natural and normal that anyone can feel the same as he does.

>Your spelling and grammar is good. You have a few miss spellings here and there, if you re-read your own story, you can catch them. It was more that you forgot a letter at the end of the word. Or you added to much, like 'meet' should be 'met'. You were using past tense so make everything past tense.

>You should describe the relationship between them. I understand he likes her, but I want more broadness. I want to see how he can feel that way, if she might like him back.

>Your setting needs to be better described for sure.

That's all from my review. I really enjoyed your story. I felt what you MC felt. Your writing is very nice. I'd like to read more from you.

Keep Writing! You can send me a PM if you want me to review anything or when you post something.

Nike :)




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41 Reviews


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Tue Feb 05, 2013 11:43 pm
Supermeggs12 wrote a review...



In the beginning, I felt you used the word "peaceful" a bit too much. You could have said quiet or serene instead. You could have gone more in to depth about the town, like maybe describing the location, and perhaps the weather, it would give the reader a better idea of the setting.

I understand that it's about a teenage boy relentlessly day dreaming about a girl who he is fond of, but why does he like her? I know the physical aspect, but her personality? And it woudln't hurt if you described his relaintionship with her. How much do they talk? Does she even know he exists? It's these details that really help.

However, I did enjoy reading.




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 11:17 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello there and welcome to the site! It looks like you could use a review ;)

Specifics

1. I wonder if you couldn't expand that beginning a little? Maybe start with a wider stance of the town and describe it to us. Set a scene. Is this a large town or a small one? Are there sloping rooftops? Are even the birds on the telegraph poles asleep? I think you could build some nice atmosphere up if you treated this like the start to a disney movie and began with a wide sweep of your environment, then centred in on the boy's house and then the boy.

2. Oh so it's a girl keeping him awake ;) Why not stir this up a bit, give us what she looks like from his point of view! What does he think when he sees her because at the moment it sounds like you're stating a few facts. Like a newspaper report. What I want is romance and more than that, childhood romance. What does she look like to him? Are her black braids like the arms of night? Are her eyes acorns or car headlights? What does this young boy associate with her and why does he like her?

3.

Second after second past and he still couldn’t stop thinking of her.
Just a little one, but it needs to be 'passed' instead of past!

4. Hmm. I like the idea you have behind this but if it's going to be a boy in bed telling us how he likes a girl, I'm sorry but I'm getting bored. You can have him in bed and still have thrills and action! Where's the slipping in and out of dreams so that suddenly he's a pirate and rescuing her, then he's awake again. Or if you don't want that, why not shadows playing over the wall, reminding him of her and things they've done or a sudden bout of rain outside. Have things happen that will distract and entertain your reader!

Overall

Okay so I've finished reading and I like some of the style, like your use of 'yawn' to break the parts up. But it's missing a crucial something to keep the reader awake! You've got some nice descriptions and the character is building, but there isn't any direct conflict. We don't get to meet the girl so we don't get the 'will she, won't she' want to date him side. There's nobody to get an answer from.

I'm not entirely sure what to suggest, but it feels like there needs to be an actual conflict. Maybe he does fall asleep and you can show us through his dream him getting the girl and that would give more of a resolution? Maybe he turns to objects in the room and addresses them as her so we can see him wrestling with himself?

Well it's just an idea, but thanks for the read and I hope you enjoy the site!

Heather xxx





The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown