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Young Writers Society



Imagination

by Auxiira


She had caught his eye as he had walked through town. He had turned his gaze away from the main and looked into one of the side-streets for once. It was a completely different world to the decadent one that he was used to. The side-street had been filthy and uninviting, garbage littering the floor. And then he had seen her, huddled against the wall, surrounded by trash.

Dressed in little more than a dirty shift to protect her from the cold, thin and shivering, she was the image of misery. But she seemed to shine and it was this shine that had made him notice her. He doubted that he would have even seen her if it wasn’t for her soft glow. There was more to her than just misery and it piqued his interest. The man who was never a boy made sure that he could remember where she was and continued on his way.

Later that day, whilst returning, the man who was becoming a boy saw her again. He decided to try and relieve her misery. Drawing a few silver coins from his money pouch, he walked up to her tentatively, not sure what to expect. She lifted her head as he approached and piercing blue eyes stared up at him curiously from a face framed with black. The man who was not yet a boy felt his heart thump in his chest as he held out the money for her to take. She looked at it for a few moments then stood up gracefully. She was no longer shivering and he could see that she was not as thin as he had first thought.

She opened her mouth to speak and her voice was that of an angel’s. “My good sir, I thank you for your kindness, but I have no need nor want of your money. Please, give it to someone else.” She closed his hand slowly over the money, then, seeing the confusion on his face, continued. “I have decided to live here in this way and I am not as deep in poverty as I may seem, for I have all I need within reach.” She crouched down and put her hand above the floor. The space between the two glowed with a hypnotising light as a bright blue flower that matched her eyes grew and bloomed. Plucking it, she straightened then smiled at the awe on his face.

“Who-who are you?” The man who was nearly a boy stuttered as his heart raced in his chest at her smile.

“I am a princess, a servant, a beggar. I am young; I am old.” Her clothes flashed through the ones she had said, then her body morphed from that of a crone and back. “I am this world and so many more. I am whatever I may wish to be. I am everything and nothing. I am all you have ever dreamed of and I have no limits. I am Imagination and I am in everyone. You have found me and fallen in love with me. Do you accept me?”

The man who was now a boy nodded slowly, still in awe of the person in front of him. Slowly, the edges of Imagination’s body blurred and faded until she had become a ball of softly pulsing light that flew into his body.

The boy who was once a man felt his heart fill with warmth and suddenly the need to write overcame him. He turned and left the side-street, hurrying home so that he could put pen to paper and set Imagination free.


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Fri Mar 22, 2013 1:07 pm
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Animal wrote a review...



Animal is here to save the world review.

Let's get started.

I noticed that you made no spelling mistakes. Impressive :)

The starting is a bit confusing. You need to ease it a little bit.

Did I tell you that I loved it,

Auxiira wrote:“I am a princess, a servant, a beggar. I am young; I am old.” Her clothes flashed through the ones she had said, then her body morphed from that of a crone and back. “I am this world and so many more. I am whatever I may wish to be. I am everything and nothing. I am all you have ever dreamed of and I have no limits. I am Imagination and I am in everyone. You have found me and fallen in love with me. Do you accept me?”

It could have been better if you tried. Try using some more complicated words here. But this was amazing.


Imagination enters in him. I like the idea. But I like that he wanted to write after that, artist would say that he wanted to paint after that. I love the idea and also that how you brought it into writing. And yes I really like that text I have quoted.

-Ani




Auxiira says...


Thanks Ani, you just made me feel better *hugs*



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:44 am
Auxiira says...



Really I love you guys, really really.




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:41 am
Auxiira says...



... I did put that this was a dream and really shouldn't make sense in the description part... didn't I?




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Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:24 pm
countrygal97 says...



I really liked this, though I do think you shouldn't have used 'the man who was not yet a boy'. Otherwise, I think it was great. Bravo! (:)




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Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:10 pm
veeren wrote a review...



Hello again, Auxiira :D

The first paragraph is bit confusing. Of course with the first and last sentences being the combining factor, it's what was in between that didn't make sense. I found it odd that you'd describe what he's used to when you're supposed to be focusing on what happened when they saw each other. Maybe it's just a problem for me personally, but I'd consider revising it.

Spoiler! :
a dirty shift


I'm sure you meant to write 'shirt'.

Spoiler! :
The man who was never a boy


Someone reading this through for the first time would find this a bit odd. Since it ends up becoming a major part of the story, maybe you should introduce it earlier.

Spoiler! :
She closed his


This should start a new paragraph. I know it's still the same character speaking, but we tend to avoid major actions (pretty much anything more than brushing your hair) in between the same stretch of dialogue.


Spoiler! :
She crouched down


This should also start a new paragraph.


Spoiler! :
Who-who


You need a space after the dash.

Spoiler! :
young; I am


Try to avoid semi-colons in speech.

And the rest was perfect. I love how you ended this, going from one stage to the opposite was absolutely brilliant, and very well done.
So kudos to you, and keep on writing :D




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Mon Feb 04, 2013 10:13 pm
AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Auxiira! Am I right that this is your first short story posted here at YWS? If so, then welcome to the first step in getting published? How can I be sure with the word? Well this here piece of yours is darn awesome! I just gotta review it :) I'll do a Chop-up if you don't mind, to cut the chase.

But before we start the butchering of lines, let me give you my impression to your piece. First, I'm really, really awe-inspired in works like this, you know, when a reader like me would say 'Oh.' or 'Ahh.' When these words mutter from my mouth, you're sure to know that I'm completely indulged with the piece. And let me say I truly am :)

One of the great points here in the piece is the progressing suspense. As we go through the story, questions like 'Who is that?' and 'Why is he doing that?' are ineffable. This progression intensifies the impact we'll soon find in the climax. Good step of action. Another one is the great twist in the end. There's this element of perspective wherein things happen, then okay, the character moves on. I really like that simplicity. No more frills of shock, or going to the police, or telling his friends, just a quick transformation and that's the end of it. This element in the story really rocks :D

He had turned his gaze away from the main and looked into one of the side-streets for once.

I really didn't get the use of 'main' here. Do you mean man? If not, then please do clarify so readers won't be confused :D

“I am a princess, a servant, a beggar. I am young; I am old.” Her clothes flashed through the ones she had said, then her body morphed from that of a crone and back.

I believe that this should be slashed into separate paragraphs. The description of her transformation into a crane breaks the solemnity exuded by the dialogue, see.

One last note. This story rocks in itself, but I really wish that it would grow. The idea i very rich, so basing a more complex prose from it is just heaven for me :D If you consider this, drop by my wall and give me a call! I'd be glad to read it ;)

Your best pal,
Alf :D



P.S. Have you heard of Neil Gaiman or Terry Prachett? Your ideas are as cool as theirs! Love this :)




Auxiira says...


Danke Alfie! I love Terry Prachett



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Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:44 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Xiira!

Shady here with your review.

Grammar is my strongest bit, so I tend to give a line-by-line critique followed by my general thoughts of the piece.

She had caught his eye as he had walked through town.


The side-street had been was filthy and uninviting, garbage littering the floor.
~Hmm, do don't really think 'side-streets' have floors.

She had caught his eye as he had walked through town. He had turned his gaze away from the main and looked into one of the side-streets for once. It was a completely different world to the decadent one that he was used to. The side-street had been filthy and uninviting, garbage littering the floor. And then he had seen her, huddled against the wall, surrounded by trash.
~You use a lot of 'had's and such. You can write in past tense without using all those 'had's.

Try: (She caught his eye as he walked through town. He was walking down the main street when he happened to glance down a side-street. It was a completely different world than the decadent one that he was used to; filthy and uninviting, strewn with litter. He was about to go on his way when he saw her, huddled against the wall, surrounded by trash.)

The man who was never a boy
~ What does this mean?

the man who was becoming a boy
~....What?

hand above the floor.
~ Floors belong in houses, not alleys.
~~~

Aw, you've got a sweet story. I get it now. It's a little boy who's pretending to be a man. Very cute. However, it would be more effective if you worked on character development. *Show* us the type of man he's pretending to be, and make a comment about how he notices himself slipping from the role or something.

An adorable idea, just work on descriptions and characters more.

If you need anymore help feel free to wall or PM me.

Keep Writing!

~Shady 8)




Auxiira says...


It's more a man who never had a childhood who discovers imagination and becomes a child again... but yeah!



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Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:36 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Auxi! Can I call you that? It's so easy to call you that after reading your novel, speaking of which, I still need to get to chapter eight! But because I'm all unorthodox and desperate for a sword, I'm going to come and review this next instead. But! Chapter eight is till on my list and I will get there eventually!

Specifics

1. I don't like that you start with 'she'. It's fine for later when the character has been introduced, but it gives no details so it's awkward at the beginning. You should use 'the woman' or 'the girl' or anything that goes a step further to define who this she is and to introduce her to us!

2. The same goes for he!

3.

And then he had seen her, huddled against the wall, surrounded by trash.
Descriptions! I like the image you're building here, but why not make it even more interesting? As an example, this line could attach the trash to the girl as a kind of label and that would give us a deeper insight into this man and the world he comes from. He comes from a world where people don't sit in piles of trash, so maybe for him she's a trash girl? So:- 'And then he had seen her, huddled against the wall, his trash-can girl.' Something like this would also add a possessiveness to her. It would tell her he's seen her and he wants her to be his.

4. Glow? More to her than misery? These are all very vague descriptions that actually mean nothing! What is it he sees in her? Is it the way she holds her head high and stares him down? The way she looks softly into the distance and as he approaches slowly turns warm, golden eyes on him and smiles? People don't shine or glow - tell us what you really mean.

5. Interesting. I like the supernatural element of this - you have fun dreams! It's good. I like that she changes - it adds a nice touch of mystery.

6. The progression between man and boy. I like this. But instead of going from a man to a boy to nearly a boy, you should work in order. The man shouldn't become a boy until the end of the piece!

7. Tell us what her clothes flash through! Describe them to us, tell us of street rags and coils of pale green satin, a waft of Jasmine perfume. We want details so we can imagine this scene.

Overall

I like the over-reaching idea of this but time to edit now, yes? You've got a fun plot and a working structure, but you need to put some effort into those descriptions and build both character and atmosphere. We hardly know who this man is. I get the sense maybe he hasn't lived a great life, maybe he has been selfish, but you don't show enough of his flaws or his virtues for us to know. How does he feel about giving the money to someone else? Does he intend to or did he only offer it her because she was beautiful?

A good start and good luck with the next draft!

Heather xxx




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Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:29 pm
beckiw wrote a review...



Hey Aux!

I have arrived to grip your story from the clutches of the green room.

I sort of feel like I am missing something really important with this story. I just didn't really get it? Was she a muse? Or a witch? Or something? And the main character. Did he turn into a boy? Is it about discovering your inner child/imagination?

I think you need to clear that up a little because it didn't make a great deal of sense to me. You didn't really give me enough time to grasp the concept of this story before it was over. At the beginning I thought it was one thing, a man finding a girl and attempting to look after her but then after that it seemed to go a little off the beaten track and I just lost the thread completely. It seemed like you knew perfectly well what was going on but that didn't really translate to the final piece.

I think mainly you need to work on lengthening this piece and taking the time to tell your story. Right now it's quite compacted and the pacing is a little off. If I understood right, I think your idea is interesting but you need to work with it a little longer, you need to mould it, to let it loose in stages.

Like I think it would be quite interesting if the main character was going about his daily business and out of the corner of his eye or flitting about he saw this girl. His curiosity grows, he wonders who she is if she needs help. Then one day he seems her more fully, perhaps he decides to approach her, to see if he can help. Do you see where I am going? Try not to be in such a rush to get it all out. Drip feed it to the reader. Let the information out slowly, build intrigue and pull the reader into your world.

I hope that made sense and I hope you continue to work on this :) Let me know if you need any help or have any questions.

Bex x




Auxiira says...


Um it's about a man who discovers imagination...sort of. It really didn't make much sense in my dream and apparently it doesn't make much more sense here...



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Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:53 pm
Shady says...






Shady says...


I'm challenged, ignore this. >.>




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