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by AnnaMarieJean

I tripped over a branch one day, walkling in the wood.
I asked them to help me up, to help me if they could.
The pain was there, but only mine,
and so they said "You are fine."

I fell down the stairs one day, and they simply stood and stared. 
I asked them if they wouldn't help because they were scared.  
No the pain was there and it was mine,
and so they said "You are fine."

I fell off a tree one day, trying to climb up high.
They didn't come to save me, and they didn't even try, 
The pain was there, but it was mine,
and so they said "You are fine."

I fell from a plane one day, floating through the air.
And I as I fell, I realized, that they didn't care.
That pain was there, and it was mine, 
and all they said is "You are fine."

I jumped from a brige one day, though that might seem dark,
But, the pain was there, inside of me, and it had left its mark.
And as I fell they all said,
She's not fine, she is dead.  

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Mon Feb 04, 2013 3:46 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

Hey there! I usually don't like rhyming poems, but you know what? You're good at it, so it works for this poem, keeps the rhythm flowing, and makes me swallow your repetition 'cause it goes along with the meter and rhyme. But!

I fell down the stairs one day, and they simply stood and stared.
I asked them if they wouldn't help because they were scared.

The meter here is off! Read it aloud to yourself. If you find yourself tripping up EVER, that means you need to change it. I can't do it on my own. Like, I try to read it aloud, and I can change around emphasis and stuff, but I still can't work it out. The end rhymes are perfect, though. I love the fact that she's asking if they're scared to help her. I think it's one of the most profound moments in the poem, really.

And as I fell they all said,
She's not fine, she is dead.

Hmmm. I like that you switch up the rhythm/meter in this last couplet. It pairs nicely with the fact that you're changing the meaning this time around.

So! After all is said and done, I think this is a nice solid poem. As a matter of personal taste, however, I'd like to see all stanzas have the depth of emotion and exploration of the matter that the words in the "stair" stanza do. The next two are pretty shallow: they didn't even try. I mean, it rhymes and rhymes easily, but betrays itself because it's so shallow. I think that with how unnecessary the "high" is in the first line, you can probably change these two lines completely to find a deeper meaning here.

I think the realization that the others don't care when she's skydiving is cool, but I wonder how exactly she realizes it? I don't know if that can fit in somewhere.

Otherwise, nice job.

PM me if you have any questions!

Good luck and keep writing~

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Mon Feb 04, 2013 6:05 am
dogs wrote a review...

Hello Anna! Dogs here with your review today. Okey dokey, so a good idea for a poem and you have a good stepping stone here. With have a couple things we'll have to walk through first though.

Firstly you have a relatively good start, brings the reader into the poem and makes us wonder where you'll take us. I think you can get away with leaving the first stanza as is.
However, when I go onto the second stanza I notice that you start doing the same last two lines every stanza. Now this repitivity is like listening to a really good song on the radio, but after every two lines it just repeats... and then two more lines and then repeats... if you had to continue listening to that you'd gas your car and drive to the bridge! You can use it on two MAYBE three lines, but thats pushing it. But every line of a poem, that won't fly because it breaks up the flow of your writing. It makes you predictable as a poet, which is the LAST thing you want to become.

Furthermore I notice you use some very nice rhyming effectively without making it sound forced, however most of your lines are so long that you lose the beauty of your rhyme because you lose your quick and speedy rhythm. I'd suggest you break most your lines into two different lines if you want to work with rhyming, or you could just drop the rhyming all together. Either or.

Ok your poem is getting more and more predictable as you move on. Ya climb something.. ya fall off... ya feel pain.. and no one helps you. Thats the vibe I'm getting for five straight stanzas. It's too laborious too read, you need to change it up. Explain the pain you feel both physically and mentally when you hit the ground and no one helps you. Do you cut your wrist because of this? Does the crimson life drip and slide like liquid snakes to plop on the frozen floor? Add a little more spark and shiver to your writing. In this piece you want the reader to feel the character's pain.

It's a good stepping stone but still has a long way to go. I think this piece has a huge amount of potential in it because it is such a stellar topic. If you ever need a review on something give me a PM and I'd be more then happy to comply :). Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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177 Reviews

Points: 792
Reviews: 177

Mon Feb 04, 2013 5:36 am
Paracosm wrote a review...

Hey there Anna! I'm going to give you a quick stanza by stanza review. I'll touch on the form, idea, and voice in each stanza. I hope my review helps! Welcome to YWS, be sure you get in on the reviewing soon, too!

Stanza One

I like the idea behind your poem from the start. This character is experiencing pain, and no one wants to share it with her. It's her problem, and they don't really care. I wonder why you chose non physical things to express the pain too, and then at the end, the narrator sort of complains that no one was there to help her. This sort of took away a lot of emotional depth from the poem.

Stanza Two

I'm liking the immature nature of the poem, it almost feels childish, innocent. I did not like 'and they simply stood and stared.' I wasn't fond of the wording, because stairs can't stand or stare. Now I know, branches couldn't help her either, but there you did not address their lack of response. It is simply understood that they did not help.

Stanza Three

This stanza is better than the second. One thing that did raise my attention, who didn't try to help her? I'm assuming you meant the trees. Remember to be as specific as possible, so that you achieve maximum clarity with your ideas. That's not to say you can't be abstract and creative, it just means you should try to make sure your reader always knows what's going on.

Stanza Four

I like this stanza, it's clearly leading into the next. I especially enjoyed how you draw together the idea of 'falling' in both stanzas. I like the repetition of those last two lines in each stanza as well.

Stanza Five

'bridge' instead of 'brige'. Okay, so I liked most of this stanza but the last half of the first line. 'though that might seem dark', well, of course it seems dark. It still draws the childish innocence from the early parts of the poem, but I think you could find something that plucks at the emotions a bit more.

Okay, Anna! That's all I have. To sum it up, work on expressing ideas clearly, making sure your abstract expressions make sense, and remember the specifics. Keep on tapping into a nice style when you write, drawing wonderful ideas from amazing imagery, and expressing yourself. Keep writing, and keep up the good work!

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1235 Reviews

Points: 35282
Reviews: 1235

Mon Feb 04, 2013 5:33 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi Anna and welcome to YWS! This is an interesting take on the overdone suicide theme. Suicide is one of those topics that lends itself very easily to cliches, but I think you did a good job of avoiding that.

The poem's main problem is the confusing rhythm. The first couplets of each stanza flow well, but the abrupt shortness of the second couplet doesn't fit. I might suggest revising to

The pain was there, but it was only mine
So they ignored me, saying "You are fine

I might change the verb in the last line for each stanza to keep it from being too repetitive. For the last stanza, I might extend it to say "they finally said/She was never fine, and now she lies dead"

On a minor note, there are a few typos, like "walkling" and "And I as I fell". Go through again and proofread.

I think if you fix the rhythm, this will be a darkly fun poem with a good message. Enjoy the site and make sure to get out and review. Good job and keep writing! :)

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.
— Anne Lamott