z

Young Writers Society



How He Died(not official title I just needed one)

by SethWes


A school bell rung. A group of uniformed boys dashed out of a pristinely kept school. Rain fell from an overcast sky, but it didn't deter them. Nothing except their uniforms united them; they were a mix of races, height, and physique. All the students in high school except a single little boy. âGo away Chester! Go play with your friends!â yelled one boy. âNo. Let him come,â said another. Chester beamed as they walked along the street, then took a sudden right down an alley and to a hole in the ground. The boys dropped down and began walking through the unused sewer tunnel. The sewer had about an inch of water from the rain and was pitch black. The boys romped along the tunnel and twisted and turned along the underground network until, one by one, they climbed another rusting ladder and out of their secret passage. Warm rays of sunlight greeted them as the posse stood in the middle of a street that was more pothole than road. Old and boarded buildings loomed around them as Chester, who was rather chubby, slowly huffed and puffed his way out and collapsed on the faded gray pavement. âCome on Chester! You're lucky Jeff let you come. Don't keep him waiting,â urged a boy who looked very much like him, only older. Chester flopped out and onto the pavement. His brother offered a hand. Chester took it in his own and pulled himself up. âThanks Timothy.â Jeff, the obvious leader, began weaving a path along the road, which was in obvious disrepair. It was more potholes than pavement. Litter and rotting piles of garbage bags were everywhere. After ten minutes of winding streets, they stopped at a chain link fence. Jeff pointed to Timothy, then the fence. Timothy dutifully ran to pull back a corner of the fence, a space big enough for one boy to go at a time. Careful to not dirty their white shirts and wear out the knees on their maroon pants, boy after boy wiggled through on hands and toes. They regrouped, and began walking along a narrow cobblestone path surrounded by thick weeds. They were in a common area between a row of houses and another. Once happy places, the homes were faded in color and many roofs were caved in. A skinny cat slinked out of one, and ran away as one delinquent took a kick at it. The boys laughed and jeered, taking obvious pleasure in the feline's poor condition. âHey Jeff,â said Chester innocently. âWhat are we going to do today?â Jeff stopped. He smiled wickedly. He turned and said with patronizing sweetness, âWould you like to join our little group and play with us?â Chester nodded enthusiastically. Jeff led the way out of the commons and through a rotting wooden garden gate. A rose bush had once been the main attraction in the yard's flower garden; now it was a dense thicket of inch long thorns. All the boys except Chester took out pocket knives and carefully cut off yard long lengths of the vines. Then they carefully trimmed away thorns and wrapped the end in their handkerchiefs. Timothy wordlessly handed one to Chester, without taking off the thorns. Chester carefully held it between his thumb and index finger. His expression was dazed. What would they do with these? He looked up and realized the guys had surrounded him. âChester, would you like to join our little group and play with us?â repeated Jeff. Chester nodded dumbly. âWe have to initiate you first.â Chester felt a stinging blow across his face, then warm blood streak from his forehead and into his mouth. Falling to his knees, he clutched the wound with both hands, and dropped the vine they had given him. âStand up you big baby! Fight like a man!â jeered one cruel faced boy. The others snickered and let him get to his feet. With an explosive shout in unison, the children beat upon Chester with relentless blows. He could not run, blinded with pain. The vines were just long enough to keep him at bay, so his fists were useless. Groping in desperation, he grabbed the rose vine they had given him. He felt piercing blade go through his hand and dimly saw it come through on the other side. With a roar, he attempted to fight the onslaught. It was to no avail. He again collapsed and the boys began to kick him. All he could do was whimper and try to block out the searing pain. Right before he blacked out, he could hear them spitting on him... and his brother Timothy laughing in pure delight.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
806 Reviews


Points: 1883
Reviews: 806

Donate
Mon Feb 04, 2013 12:09 am
View Likes
Aley wrote a review...



Hi Ethwe.

I understand that you have formatting issues with this. I hope your future works are not also messed up. If you want to fix it, I would suggest copying the piece into a Word document, or a notepad document, notepad would probably be best, and then copy it from there into the text box for posting.

That aside, I think this is a very interesting look at a different world for me. I am very curious how much younger Chester is from the other boys, and what exactly he looks like. We know he is heavier set, and that he's not a high schooler, so where did he fit in, how did he meet them? All of these questions are things I really want to explore the story for more information to glean.

I do have a few questions about this one individually though, that I think should be answered up front. First off, how is Chester not in his own school? Why is he here at the high school waiting for this gang to skip? He doesn't appear to be told to join them because one of the boys tries to chase him off. If it's pretty common for Chester to skip and chase after them, you could just put again, somewhere and indicate that this is a frequent event.

I'd personally like you to develop a different first line. A school bell ringing feels overused from what I typically read and I feel like it doesn't really delve into the story enough to explain that these boys are actually skipping school. One of my teachers once told me that some people only read the first and the last line of the novel, so with that being said, I feel like the first and the last line are the two lines that need to really encompass the most mystery to hook the individuals into wondering what exactly happened in between, kind of like: We never knew that it would be this hard to clean it all up. Vague enough to make a reader curious, but specific enough to give them hints about what was going on. That's my opinion though, and not something I can really say makes a good/bad novel work.

The thing that I would really like to see improve in this piece overall though, is descriptions. I feel like we need more description of what is going on with basic descriptions of the main characters, and the setting. How hard is it raining? Does it stop raining? Did they get really muddy crawling under the fence? did any of them slip into the mud? How large is this place where they are beating up Chester? Did any of them fail at keeping a straight face and this really isn't an initiation at all? I think that taking your time and really delving into descriptions of where they are at will help improve the visual effect of the piece. One of the reasons this would be useful is because I feel like an aid should have caught them trying to skip school, but they weren't even yelled at in the first place while they left, so I have to wonder how the school yard is set up for them to escape unseen.

I am really curious about how Chester is going to handle this situation when he wakes up.




User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:07 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Ethwe!

Shady here with your review.

All the students were in high school except a single little boy.

~~~

Alright!

I read your comment about formatting issues, so I’m assuming you know about paragraphs and whatnot, so I won’t complain about it, even though the massive block of text makes your piece a bit difficult to read.

You definitely have an interesting story here. I think you could use a bit more character development—to give us a better feel for them. I’m not sure how old Chester is, or what he looks like, or really what any of them look like, except for the white shirts and maroon pants that they’re wearing (which I assume is a gang color, yes?).

I would be interested in reading more of it.

If you need any more help or have any questions feel free to wall or PM me.

Keep Writing!

~Shady 8)




User avatar


Points: 1117
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:56 pm
SethWes says...



Btw, i tried every thing with formatting and it didn't work.





"Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein