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High School

by LiveLoveSaved


Gossip
they're lies

Makeup
disguise 

Pressure
to fit in

Cussing
still a sin

Bullies
insecure

Friends
we were

Hearts
they're broken

Mean Words
easily spoken


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Tue Feb 12, 2013 5:52 am
darkangel_05 says...



Hello.

I think it's not a very common way of writing something about high school, and I like your creativity. Well, I think these are not lyrics, but rather a poem. All in all, it's good and simple and unique and stylish.

Keep writing!






Thanks! I clicked wrong button and it went as lyrics :)



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 9:01 pm
Jagger wrote a review...



Hey there. Other than the part that its really short, it's good. But you could've done so much better! There's potential and you need to unwrap it and let it shine. And more to it, make he reader keep wanting to read. I'm a big person poetry and writing songs and I appreciate that your first post was this. Just try harder. It doesn't feel like there was too much effort. And apologize if I've misspelled something due to autocorrect. Jagger out!




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 11:18 pm
musicgirl5001 wrote a review...



Hey there,
Musicgirl here and welcome to YWS! I am also sorta new here too, so we are both the same. Alright so I don't really think these are lyrics. Was this supposed to be in poetry? Oh well, but if it was for lyrics then you should probably put more to it like a chorus and verses. The contractions in this sound weird, so you should just spell it out like "they're" should just be they are. Other than that, this sounds really nice and true. I am not in high school yet, but my sister says this is what high school is like.

Peace out,
Musicgirl5001






haha I accidentally pressed lyrics



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Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:40 am
Demeter wrote a review...



Hi there, LiveLoveSaved! Welcome to YWS! ^_^

I thought the minimalistic approach was pretty cool. High school is such a mundane subject somehow that writing anything flowery and verbose about it might seem a bit odd, unless done really well of course! I like that this is so simple and there are so few words. It makes sense that you can capture the idea of high school in just a few words.

I also like the little rhymes that you have in each stanza; they seem to be keeping this all together and more consistent. "Lies" and "disguise" sounds especially nice.

With a short and non-wordy poem like this, I think you need to pay extra attention to the rhythm and make sure that everything flows nicely. That is best achieved when you read it out loud and don't have to skip over words or syllables to make it sound better. I felt like I had to skip a bit at

Mean Words
easily spoken


because "easily" is a long word when compared to the others. When you look at the last lines of each stanza, you'll see that three of them have two syllables, four of them have three syllables, and one of them - the last one - has four. This is why reading them is a bit awkward because they're not the same length and the flow is disrupted a little. Not everything has to always fit in, of course, but I think that's an important thing to think about when you have a poem that's so strictly structured.

Hopefully I could help, and happy writing!


Demeter
x




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:39 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi LiveLoveSaved and welcome to YWS! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the site. Basically, you review pieces, you submit them (looks like you've reviewed already so good job. A good rule of thumb is 2 reviews for every 1 piece) and hang out in the forums and chat room. There's also a wall so you can follow people (under the "People" tab) and a blog (under "Blog").

Now, onto the piece itself. The choppy rhythm is interesting, but the content could be richer. High school is a commonly written about topic: everyone experiences it, and it has a huge impact on your life. This touches a lot on all the common tropes of high school, but fails to portray them in an original manner. You could easily write a poem about any of these subjects. Personally, I think the strongest line here is "Friends/we were". It hints at a compelling story that could create some interesting poetry.

Gossip
they're lies


Did you mean their lies (possessive)? "They are lies" could work, but it seems odd here.

Cussing
still a sin


Really? Not at my high school. :P

About the rhyming: I applaud you for playing with form and trying a choppy rhyme scheme. However, I think it held you back. It's hard to focus on interesting images and unique metaphors when you're worried about a short meter and rhyme. I primarily do free verse because it's easier to express your thoughts and be original.

Last comment: Is this supposed to be Lyrics or a poem? This doesn't have a song structure to it, so I was confused.

Overall, this piece hints at a lot of large topics associated with high school, but doesn't discuss them much. I would take one idea and work with it rather than try to talk about everything. Don't be afraid to keep experimenting! :)






haha I clicked wrong button and it want under song. thanks though :)



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Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:31 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Oof! It's not that bad. I'm glad you're enthusiastic about submitting and even more glad to see you've already helped someone out with your own review.

So here are my thoughts about this piece.

You have nouns in the beginning, and for the most part the second line of the couplet is an explanation. Gossip = lies, makeup = disguise. Then it breaks off. "Pressure to fit in" is its own phrase. We go back again with cussing = a sin. And then we're completely out of that noun = noun idea. Bullies don't EQUAl insecure, though they are.

Anyways, besides the drifting of form, what material do you have here? What was your motivation to write this poem? What did you want readers to get out of it? What did you want to communicate? You've gotta have a vision. A vision helps make editing easier, really. If you know what you want to say, you can take out everything that doesn't help you say it. Bam! But I don't know what this poem is trying to say. It's just describing different sections of high school, which I guess is okay, but most of us have been through high school and know exactly what it was. Some of us went to high school and didn't hear mean words, or at least don't remember them ALWAYS being spoken, and so that line even alienates us from agreeing with you. I guess I'm talking from a place far away from high school, so maybe I really have just forgotten, but we've all been through it.

What thoughts on high school do you have that no one else in the world could have? What unique experiences do you have?

Listen, there are a lot of writers writing about a lot of things. To be successful in this world, you can't write something someone else could write. They'll probably have written it already, you know? You have to write something only you, being the unique person you are, can write. So open this idea up. See something deeper. Try your best!

Good luck, keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions! (:





Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights