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The Girl

by EydisEy


She was a girl who had a dream.

She wasn’t afraid of saying what she felt.

So happy and pure, with a smile on her face that could brighten up you day.

But the fact still remains, with her pain!!

He stole her love and threw it away.

Her life seemed to crash after many years of abuse.

After that she tried taking her life, but God made her stay.

So she had to move on, but somehow it just got worse.

People that she loved were on their way to God.

They left her here on her own, her tears filed up and she was suddenly alone.

She got deprest and called a friend.

He tread his best to make it in time, but when he ran inside she flew home to God.

He watched her smile the entire why there with only one tear on his chin,because for the first time she was in peace…

And that’s how it ends.


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Sun Feb 03, 2013 5:38 am
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dogs wrote a review...



Hello Eydisey! Dogs here with your review today. Ok... I apologize if I sound harsh in my review, but I don't like dancing around my opinion and I'll get straight to the advice.

Okey dokey, so firstly I feel like I've read this poem a thousand times over. A girl who had a dream and was abused and her life sucked, got her heart broken and then died and was happy with death. The end. I read at least one poem/short story a day around the exact same topic. I'd encourage you to try to write about a more original out of the ordinary topic, like your last piece. That was a good idea in need of a few minor tweakings. However, if you choose to write on this cliche topic you'll need some "wow" factor that makes the reader's jaw drop in awe of how amazing your writing is. Create such a powerful image that the reader can see what your painting with your words just appear in front of them. Or write something with so much emotion that we feel all the pain and horrors of your character you create.

"she was a girl who had a dream"

Yikes, this is incredibly boring first line of a poem that I have read too many times to count. When you start a poem I want to see something that I've never seen before! Maybe try something focusing on the dream aspect. Maybe say "dreams have always been a fallacy" or something thats a little more out of the ordinary.

"She wasn't afraid of saying what she felt"

Ok, fine line but it doesn't add anything to your poem. It just seems like a line you casually threw out onto the page. In a poem every single line should be a necessity to getting your point across.

"with a smile that could brighten your day"

Ok, again incredibly cliche statement. Try adding in a little more exciting words! Like glisten and gleam with gracious golden glittering beams. Of course you shouldn't use that many adjectives in a sentence but I'm trying to give you plenty of options here. If you are having troubles finding a good word to use, try looking it up in a thesaurus.

"with her pain!!"

Never ever ever use more then one exclamation point. eeevvvvveeerrrr. In any sort of writing. One is more then enough.

"After that she tried taking her life, but God made her stay."

Ok, lots of potential for some elaboration. How did she try to take her life? Did she consider cutting, did she try to o.d on pills/ drugs/ alcohol? How did God make her stay?

"She got deprest and called a friend"

Ok, firstly deprest should be depressed. And this could not be more difficult to read because it's like reading a story that says "and then she took the apple... and then she ate the apple.. and the she threw the apple away... and then she got another apple.. and then.. and then.. and then..." it's too simple. Writing simplistic can be a writing style that in some occasions can be used effectively, but in this case it is just difficult to read. Also, if all the people close to her moved up to God, why would she have a friend left to call? it would be far more tragic if she had no one left to call. Invoking a heart break for the character from the reader.

"he tread"

Tried, you mean tried not tread I believe. Misspelling words seems to be a bit of an underling problem in your writing. If you're missing simple spelling errors copy and paste your writing in word and then do a spell check. It helps trust me.

"and that's how it ends"

..... I am so sorry but that is a very painful way to end any sort of writing. To summarize this in a few words, as the reader I'm getting that: Life sucks... then you die and meet god... the end.
I think you are trying to get across much more then just that. You need to add a little more pizzaz to your writing, create some strong imagery and emotion in your characters. how did she get her heart broken, how did that make her feel? How did she almost kill her self? how did she stay? How did she die this time? I need a few more details here to make this a masterpiece. You have some work to do on this piece, but in time this could be brilliant writing. Let me know if you need any more help. Keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:21 pm
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BrooklynWriter wrote a review...



EydisEy,

I'm going to start with: I love it! It holds power and I can feel the intensity from the first line. However, there was a line I had a problem with.

"But the fact still remains, with her pain!!"

First off, the way this is worded reads a little awkwardly to me. If I had written it I would have said, "But still the fact remains of her pain,". And I did deliberately leave out the two exclamation points because A) two exclamation points is never necessary, and B) the line has the intended power without any exclamation points.

~Brook




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Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:10 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hey EydisEy!

This is such a sad little poem! I quite like the concept, though, of someone struggling and eventually deciding to end the pain in a very ineffective manner. I especially like the line:

but when he ran inside she flew home to God.


However, much of this poem doesn't really feel like a poem. Much of it feels like a bunch of sentences stuck together in poetic form, which isn't exactly what you want! Prose poetry is a thing, but it has its own set of rules and constructions that I don't really think this meets either.

Along the same lines, I don't feel as emotionally connected to the poem as I wish I was. Because this is made up of rather plain sorts of sentences, it's hard to feel compassionate for this person and understand their situation. Taking some time to really explore the emotions she's feeling, and how those affect her feelings, rather than simply the events that lead her to be depressed and suicidal, will help to improve that. I want to know more about her situation and her emotions and what progression led her to this terrible finale of her life.

Other than that, nice job! I think this could be a really great poem with a few tweaks and additions. ;)

Keep writing!

-Lauren-





Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato