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Young Writers Society



Untitled- Prologue and Chapter 1

by musicgirl5001


Prologue (1865)

“Azella stay behind me!” Ichorias yelled.

“No, I’m not letting you get killed for my family’s doing!” Azella replied.

“No, I’m doing this for you. You are my best friend and I…

The door was knocked down by soldiers.

“Azella, I love you” Ichorias stood up and a shot ran out.

Chapter 1 (2002)

“Aria, can we please get out of this museum, I’m starving,” Mina complained.

“Sis, we are in the ‘Life of the Civil War’ exhibit. That is like one of the most extraordinary times in history!” Aria yelled quietly in reply.

“Girl, you are 10, and I’m driving you, so let’s go!” Mina yelled back.

“Fine!”

As Aria and Mina walked out of the museum, rain started pouring.

“Oh great, and I didn’t even bring an umbrella!” Mina cursed. They walked in the pouring rain until they heard “Umbrellas for sale! One for a dollar! Come and get one!”

“Let’s get one,” Mina said. Mina gave the boy a dollar, but while she was doing that Aria and the boy were staring at each other. “Come on Aria, let’s go.”

Aria snapped back to reality and said bye to the boy. When they were almost to the car, Aria noticed that her binder was missing. She suddenly remembered that she left it at the umbrella stand where the boy was.

When she told Mina this, Mina said, “You didn’t forget it did you? You just left it there so later the boy will find you and you can see him again.”

“No! I really left it there!” Aria yelled in reply.

“Yeah, yeah right.”

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User avatar
54 Reviews

Points: 5990
Reviews: 54

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Sat Feb 23, 2013 6:21 pm
silentpatronus wrote a review...



Howdy!

I'm going to review your work! :)

Okay so the first thing I notice is that it is extremely short! Whilst it's too the point it just feels like there could be more to it. Saying this, the layout is good. You have implemented speech correctly and it is easy to read.

“Girl, you are 10, and I’m driving you, so let’s go!”

It would look better if you wrote out the word ten rather than write '10'.

When they were almost to the car

It would make more sense if you said 'at' instead of 'to'.

One other thing I'd say is that there is a lot of dialogue. Whilst it is exciting, it would be great if we could get to know more about the people or the surroundings, more description would be useful.

Pretty good start! :)




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378 Reviews

Points: 3775
Reviews: 378

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Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:40 am
Omni wrote a review...



Here to review!

My name is Omniyus, and I will help you ahcieve your goals of conquering YWS, one story and review at a time! Uh-um. I mean, I will help you with your story.

I will grade your story in two categories, each with various unamed subcategories. Grammar and Storyline. Since this story is somewhat short, I will keep my Grammar grading system at a 5-point system instead of my normal 10-point. Understand that these points don't mean much, just to let you know how my personal and somewhat annoying opinion thought of it. But enought about me! Let's get to work!

Grammar:

Spoiler! :
“No, I’m doing this for you. You are my best friend and I…

The door was knocked down by soldiers.


This is just nit-picky stuff that you probably forgot to put. I just wanted to point it out anyway. You are missing a quotation mark after "I..." Again, just something that you probably forgot to put.

Spoiler! :
“Azella, I love you” Ichorias stood...


Just another small nit-picky grammar thing. You forgot the comman after "you"

Just one more thing. When you used the number 10, there is often debates when it comes to English teacher when you should stop writing out the number and just put digits. The common place is fifteen, though. A really nit-picky thing. Just wanted to point it out, though.

Overall, I give this piece a 4 out of 5 in Grammar

Storyline: I liked the prologue. It was short and simple, but gave a sense of background and mysteriousness. Another cool thing about this was the dates at the beginning of each chapter/prologue. That was interesting. I'm intrigued to see where this goes and I hope you post more. As for the name, I cant and I won't tell you, for I think that it should be up to the author since s/he is the one writing it. And of course I will most likely not come to you for a while, as it does to most people. Don't worry thought, it's natural.

Overall, I give this piece an 8 out of 10 in Storyline.

I wanted to day before I end this that the number thing is everyone's opinion. As you can see, I used digits for mine, but it was a point system, so I feel a bit justified. But to each their own. I hope this helped,
Omniyus.




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49 Reviews

Points: 357
Reviews: 49

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Thu Jan 31, 2013 11:45 pm
Jony wrote a review...



Nice, I like the intro the best, I think that it doesn't just suddenly dump loads of info on the reader and adds a bit of mystery to the story, I personally want to read more and find out what it's about. Right now I don't have enough info to help you with a title, I actually think the author should be one to decide that, being the person who actually knows the plot of the story. I think your writing is polished, that you have lots of potential as a writer and that the plot sounds interesting so far. I don't have anything really negative to say in terms of constructive criticism, I look forward to reading some more.






Thanks for the review and hopefully I will figure out a title soon.




You sound like you're becoming emotionally involved with the custard.
— Nikki Morgan