Hey Dizzy!
Happy belated YWS welcome!
If you don't know how I review, I pick out every small little detail I can find and bug you about it until you lose your sanity. Fun right?
But before I get onto that, let me give you a few tips to help you with this piece.
- Try making the reader a character. Since you're, in essence, speaking to the reader, make it feel that way. Like int the beginning, instead of writing "She Says", write "You hear the cold voice behind you" or something.
- Instead of making the words you want to emphasize all uppercase, try italicizing them instead.
- Your paragraphing makes everything confusing. You usually make a new paragraph when someone speaks, but since it's only one person speaking I'm not really sure how you'd correct it.
Now let's get started.
Way to set the mood. This really feels a bit drab and doesn't elicit any thoughts from me other than 'Oh, it's one of THOSE stories.'
I'd comment on the grammar of your dialogue, but I'm not very familiar with the rules of speech, so it wouldn't be fair to critique you on it. I can say, however, that it feels very unnatural.
The way you describe things in your speeches are also worded poorly. Like this part here:
That was confusing the first time I read it. Wouldn't it have sounded better if you'd written: At a glance, she seemed to be smiling and talking to herself, but she wasn't.
Granted, that sounds a bit awkward, too, but it's easier to understand.
Now this line here is a bit conflicting:
Just the paragraph before, you'd said she was smiling and talking with ghost, and now she hates it?
You also have other really awkward sentences in that paragraph, as well as a run on being the last line.
I'd I assume if she wanted to do something, she literally wanted to do it. Adding the word just sounds redundant.
This should be its own paragraph.
Other than that, it's just you descriptions you need to fix. The only thing that was frightening about that the way it was written. If you fixed all of your descriptions and made everything flow more smoothly, it would be twice as scary.
Anyway, you're a great writer, and I hope to see more from you.
Points: 5211
Reviews: 184
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