Smoke filled his lungs and choked him up. The sweet smell of cigarillos lingered with the heavy, bitter scent of Marlboros. His dad smoked Marlboro's. Marlboro's were, in fact, causing him quite a bit of trouble .
Kale slid his hands into his jacket pocket one last time, feeling the smooth brass knuckles. He slipped his fingers into the grip, but he knew he wasn't ready. He walked down the front counter of the bar towards the back. A man sat alone. He looked like he was in his forties. Kale could've sworn he saw a nasty scar over the man's jugular.
He was in over his head.
He sat down across from the man. The man was wearing a black Stetson, it was drawn over his eyes. Kale felt his throat trying to close up, shut him up, but he couldn't afford to stay silent. "You borrowed exactly one-thousand and eighty dollars from a man this afternoon. It was not his money to give, and I'd like it back."
The man looked up, his eyes were marble-slick black pools. There was a scar over his jugular, and it crawled up over his cheek and stopped just beneath one of those strange black eyes. The man smiled, showing his pearlescent teeth. Kale could tell he didn’t smoke.
"I didn't borrow a scent. I came collectin'."
Kale gripped the brass knuckles tighter.
"The money you collected was mine, it was stolen." Kale's throat was dry, he did his best not to swallow. He thought about the blade that slit the man's throat, sliding down his own cheek, tight against his neck. If he swallowed, it'd cut him. "I need that money by tomorrow, Daniel Houser. That's your name. Your address is 985 Coalmine Road. You've been married twice, you've been to jail three times for spousal abuse, and there's a warrant out for your arrest
Now I'm not the law. And that's why you need to understand, I'm not going to give you a ride to a snug cell. I'm going to beat the ever loving shit out of you. Not today, not here. But if I don't have my money back by tomorrow, I will find you."
Kale was cold and sweating. He smelled Marlboros and tasted blood in his mouth. He had to bite his cheek to keep from quivering. He sincerely hoped this man would not call his bluff.
Houser threw back his head and cackled.
"You want a drink, kid? Or are you old enough? It doesn't matter, Jack's cool with it." Houser waved to the bartender, "Get me two beers, Jack." Houser leaned in close to Kale, he could smell the alcohol on the old man's breath. He wasn't laughing anymore.
"I don't have your money, boy. You see, I had debts to pay myself. But I've got names, and I've got addresses. I'm just as organized as you." Houser took a napkin from the table and a pen from his pocket. He scrawled out a list of three names. "These folks have your money. They're who you need to talk to."
Kale slid his fingers out of the brass knuckles and took the napkin from Houser. He was in over his head. But he knew that from the start. Jack brought two cold bottles of beer. Kale stood up and headed for the door. "You can have it, I'm too young to drink."
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140,616 Literary Works • 673,554 Reviews
1. I'd like to get more of a feel for the protagonist by the end of a first chapter. The first chapter is where I, along with some 90% of other readers, choose whether or not the story is going to be worth my while, and one of the things a reader consciously or unconsciously bases their conclusion on is whether the protagonist is a) likable and b) vivid. After all, I'm going to have to follow them for an entire novel. Try elongating this scene a bit, if not to further develop the conflict, then to at least further develop the protagonist.
2. It feels like this dives in too early. I'm presented with a conflict before I know what's at stake, and I know too little of its context to be able to feel any real connection to the motivations of either character. Try backtracking a bit; fill in some holes.
3. Hannah observed that you need to give this a thorough grammatical wash-down, and I have to agree. The article she referred you to should help if you're unsure of what needs to be mended.
4. I don't like the last line at all. Kale does not seem like the kind of person who would be worried about drinking underage. Also, a thought: how did he get into the bar, if he's too young to drink?
5. Houser doesn't seem like the kind of person that would be so quick to let a kid off the hook after threatening to beat the shit out of him. He looks like someone straight from the mafia, but doesn't act it at all. I don't see it.
I hope this helped. Shoot me a pm if you've got a comment or sumn.
-Kafka
This is a strong beginning, Shino. I think this is my first time reading something of yours, and I'm happy I did. Things are solid. You make me interested by giving me a goal: getting the money back, and giving me an interesting character who is doing something he doesn't necessarily want to do. We have already learned that Kale is motivated by something that makes him face his fear, and we are pleasantly surprised to find that he is brave enough to go places he's probably to young to go. I want to read more and know what will happen.
In the beginning, though, sentences introductions are pretty rough. You seem to start more often than not with "he" or "Kale', so much that it gets repetitive. Once the other characters get in, it's not a problem, but you'll have to smooth out the beginning. I'd recommend filling the space. You mention only a counter and nothing else of the location they're in. With skill, you can weave the descriptions you have of Kale and his actions NOW with additional information about the physicality of the bar, the light, smells other than cigarettes, the temperature, the color, the time period; all of that will provide you with a lot of other ways to start sentences.
^ hehe, cent.
You don't need to close the other quote, but you need a quotation mark to start the new paragraph so readers know you're continuing the dialogue.
Here we have a comma splice and an unspecified pronoun. From just this sentence, we're not sure whether Kale or Houser isn't laughing anymore. Obviously it's Houser because Kale wasn't laughing, but the pronoun refers to the last subject or object, and even though the last thing mentioned was "old man", it's in the noun phrase of alcohol, so technically he slips all the way back to Kale (he who could smell), and we get all tangled up. You can untangle it, though. I know you can.
The last thing is, I don't really buy Houser handing over information to this kid right away, unless you're going to tell me later that he's just well prepared to send people on wild goose chases that don't lead anywhere, and that's what he's done to Kale. 'Cause all I'm seeing here is Kale's nervousness. I don't get the sense of fear from Houser at all, nor do I see any strength in the threats of Kale. Because of this, I can't believe he gets what he wants so easily.
Anyways, like I said, I'd like to read what's next, so let me know if you have questions, comments, and when you put up the next part in a PM or wall post, please. Good luck, and keep writing!