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Moving On Ch. 1 (continued...)

by SerenyaChan

"Have a good day. I love you." I said to my sister.
"Love you too. Bye!" She smiled. "See you at home."
I looked down at my brother. "Let's go get a book to read. "
He smiled and nodded. We went into town and checked out a book from the nearest library. It was ridiculous, how fast businesses opened back up. Jeremiah chose a book and shortly we returned home.
As soon as we got home he started reading that book. I remember being his age and hating books. But I had tv and video games. With that thought I begun to think about my parents. We are alive because they always thought ahead. During the blackout none of us were ever starving. Our family stocked up on non perishable foods, like pasta, canned food. I feel like I should have done more to show them that I was thankful.
"Erin are you ok?"
"Yeah why?"
"Because you're crying."
I didn't even realize I was crying. I put my arms around my brother and hugged him.
"I'm fine. I'm just thinking." I kissed his forehead.
Just then the doorbell rang. I got up and wiped the tears from my eyes. I opened the door and saw an annoyance.
"What do you want?"
"I was told to bring this to you."
I took the box and opened the top. First water, now food? I gave him back the box.
"We don't need it. Thanks though. "
He looked as annoyed with me as much as I was annoyed with him.
"Look, just take it. I can't go back if you don't take this."
I took the box and gave it to Miah.
"Put this on the counter please. Thanks." I closed the door and peeked through the window. Who is he? What's with the water and food? Where can't he go back to?
"Miah, we are going somewhere, but you cannot talk alright?"
He nodded. We went out the door and watched as the stranger walked away. I took my brothers hand and kept distance between us and the boy.

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158 Reviews

Points: 1935
Reviews: 158

Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:22 am
Veeren wrote a review...

Hey there Serenya :D
Belated welcome to YWS!

Sorry, but I haven't read part of this chapter (which I would assume is implied by the 'continued' at the end of your title), so forgive me if I criticize anything unnecessary.

And I tend to point out a lot of small details, so also forgive me if I annoy you ^.^'

Spoiler! :
book to read. "

No space between the period and the quotation mark.

Spoiler! :
It was ridiculous, how fast businesses opened back up.

This line isn't needed, since it isn't related to anything.

Spoiler! :
started reading that book.

There's no need to write 'that book' at the end. It just sound redundant.

Spoiler! :
I had tv and

'tv' should be capitalized.

Spoiler! :
With that thought I begun to think about my parents.

This sounds awkward. I'd say 'That reminded me of..' or 'I remembered...'

Spoiler! :
realize I was crying.

Again, this sounds redundant. Say 'I hadn't even realized it.'

Spoiler! :
and saw an annoyance.

More awkwardness. Try '... to find an annoyance.'
You also don't reveal who this is, so it seems kind of pointless to mention it unless you were going to explain it after.

Spoiler! :
He looked as annoyed with me as much as I was annoyed with him.

There's just awkward all over the place. Try 'He looked just about as annoyed as I was.'

The rest is alright.
Now with the nitpicks out of the way, I have to say that this is quite an interesting story. I'd love to read more if you ever post it :D
So keep up the good work!

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1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sun Feb 03, 2013 3:06 am
Kale wrote a review...

Hello Serenya. Before I start reviewing this, I feel I should mention that I haven't read the first part to this, mainly because the first part isn't showing up in the sidebar to the right like related parts usually do (which is a bit weird). In any case, if anything I bring up in this review was already explained in the first part, feel free to disregard it.

With that said, this feels rather incomplete, not so much because it's a continuation of the first part, but because of how it ends. Right now, most of this chapter is talking and remembering, and while there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, right when things start to get really interesting and it looks like something actiony is about to happen, this part just stops. Erin and Miah start following the stranger. The end.

It just doesn't feel like an ending to a scene, much less a chapter. Instead, it feels like you cut this off just as a really interesting scene was just about to start, and so I feel cheated as a reader because it feels like a rather lame place to put a cliffhanger just for cliffhanger's sake.

Basically, you need to give us more than just the very beginning of a chase scene. Right now, you're teasing your readers with the promise of some action that you cut off before you can deliver, and it's quite frustrating for your readers.

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377 Reviews

Points: 22732
Reviews: 377

Sat Jan 12, 2013 9:13 am
seeminglymeaningless wrote a review...

Hi, I'm jhoi and here are my thoughts about this chapter. Please keep in mind that I haven't read any of your other works. In a way this is a good thing; imagine I am an avid science fiction reader, perusing the new sci-fi releases at a book store. I hem and haw and finally pick up your book and flick past a few pages to this one. The following are my honest criticisms, and I hope they'll help you as a writer.

Speech: I feel as if your dialogue is forced and terrible for fiction. Whilst you may say those things to your sister in real life, readers read novels in order to escape reality. Instead of focusing on average or "normal" aspects of your story, cut straight to the things that people want to read. You never read about Harry Potter going to the toilet, or Bella Swan hugging her dad goodbye every morning before school.

Characters: From this chapter alone, I'm thinking your characters are pretty flat and some may even be unnecessary. How vital is the younger brother to the plot? How vital is the sister? If you have too many characters and they serve a similar purpose, it's not that interesting.

Story premise: I have no idea what this story is about beyond the fact that they are orphans, there was a blackout and it's safe enough to "go to town" to borrow out a book from the library. This seems unrealistic to me. Is this an apocalypse story? Is this a survival story? What kind of town is this that the library is running, and these people can borrow out books, but they rely on the charity of others for food. As the potential buyer in the book store, I find many of my questions unanswered, and I'm unsure whether I would bother unlocking the answers by starting at the beginning or reading further.

Pace: It's pretty stale. Nothing is happening. You could have devoted time spent detailing the town and inhabitants. How did they get to town? Is that part necessary? If this was an anime episode, it'd be called "filler", an episode put between the plot episodes to make up screen time. Filler episodes can be skipped without any detriment to the story. You never want your chapters to be filler episodes.

Hope this helps somewhat :)

"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov