z

Young Writers Society



Verdigris

by Kit


When I first started writing, it was about 
the glittering newness (vitreous, hyaline, efulgence...)
half the time I would use the word without
knowing what it meant, for the indulgence 
of it on my tongue. I wanted to know
everything that other people seem
to know, even now it's like they go
on keeping it from me, hold meetings to deem
me unworthy of it. I wanted fame
before I had so many secrets to keep,
before I grew into my sense of shame,
before I grew out of the knack for sleep.
The nerve astounds me, saying what you mean,
more than the sixty words I knew for green.



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488 Reviews

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Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:34 pm
Meshugenah wrote a review...



Hi, Kit! I haven't looked at a sonnet in ages, so this review feels clunky on my fingers.

Ok. I absolutely love "for the indulgence/of it on my tongue."

Line 7, do you need a semi-colon instead of a comma?

What, exactly, do you mean for "it" to reference, in line 8/9? I'm reading it a few different ways, and it all works - I just want to know what you intended.

I'm not sure how i feel about the parallel stuff you have lines 10-12 - I can't decide if it's clunky or not, and I know it's partly because of the sonnet form that it's driving me to that conclusion. However, I do love those lines down through to your final couplet. That, I absolutely love.

Overall, this simply feels a bit wandering - I'm having trouble putting my finger on the why of it, exactly, but something about it feels almost too much, but at the same time not. Part of it I think lies in some lines I find lovely resting between those that are much more (for lack of a better word) bland. Maybe it's because I think you do have some concepts I really like, but I'm not sold on the execution of them all.

Regardless, it's lovely to see work from you! I'm not sure how I didn't see this sooner, but that's on me. Thanks for the read, Kit!

Bek




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88 Reviews

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Thu Dec 13, 2012 5:57 pm
whitewolfpuppy wrote a review...



Hey there! I'll be reviewing your work today.

Alright I have to say that you had good taste in words for this type of poem but I am having a big problem... What is your style? I can't tell what your style is, let alone which verse is which. This long-ish paragraph looking poem is unappealing to a reader. Some reader's are lazy, therefore the breaks in paragraph's and verses cause them to think it's not as long as it really is. So, I kind of had a hard time reading it due to the fact that there was no spacial different between anything. (This is probably just me.)

"the glittering newness (vitreous, hyaline, efulgence...)"

Alright, right here I saw the word "newness" Now I didn't think that was a word, so I looked it up. Sorry to tell you, that is not a word. Therefore I wouldn't use it in a poem such as this because it doesn't really fit. You can change the word to something else, maybe find different words that you can replace it with? (In my opinion I would, but again this is just me)

"half the time I would use the word without
knowing what it meant, for the indulgence "

Alright, the word "half" must be capitalized due to the fact it is starting a new sentence.

" I wanted to know
everything that other people seem
to know, even now it's like they go
on keeping it from me, hold meetings to deem
me unworthy of it. I wanted fame
before I had so many secrets to keep,
before I grew into my sense of shame,
before I grew out of the knack for sleep."

Right here, these sentences seem to be run on sentences. They don't fit into one. Why don't you break them up into their own little sentence and create a better specific awareness to them? That's something I would do, it starts to get boring if they are just sentences that go on and on forever.

Overall Comments
Personally, you are doing great, just a few detail's I would change, then again you don't have to change anything because these are only my opinions. Thank you so much for your time, next time you write or post something, mind giving me a shout out? I would love to review it! :) Thank you again, have a wonderful day.

~whitewolfpuppy :3




Kit says...


Look closer, young pup, it does have a very structured style, that of a sonnet, ababcdcdefefgg, I like the Shakespearean couplet to end sonnets, it makes it a little neater, rather than the efgefg shenanigans. I do keep to strictly five iambs a line, but I don't relegate it to iambic foot, because I find that to be clunky. Essentially I aspire to blend stream of consciousness, or a casual speaking style with these very structured elements, so some of the phrasing would not necessarily conform to the way I would write it in prose, but more with the way it would be said.

I think anyone is absolutely capable of getting through sonnet, which without great reason must be fourteen lines with five iambs in each. Sonnets as a form contain some of the greatest inventions of our language and civilisation. This is not remotely a great sonnet, certainly not the best of mine, and maybe not worth reading all the way to the end, but that does not mean that we should be breaking up sonnet form into smaller chunks, sonnets didn't do anything to us.

As to newness, I do not know what you looked it up on, but it is absolutely a word that has been used for hundreds of years.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/newness
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/newness
Wiki isn't necessarily the greatest reference, but I thought I'd link it because it cites the source from Middle English, which is kind of awesome. It's even in the King James Bible, apparently. Knowledge.

I thank you for your review and for your time, and will keep an eye out for your works.



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Points: 1355
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Thu Dec 13, 2012 4:20 am
ahhhsmusch says...



It looks like you left out the word "to" between "wanted" and "know" on line 5.

I really enjoyed reading this out loud. The rhyming is there, but doesn't feel blatant and I liked the repetition of lines 10,11, 12 before delivering the final line.


-ahhhsmusch




Kit says...


Thanks, I wrote it very late in the night times, which is kind of ideal for sonneting.




It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey