Published September 3, 2012
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139,505 Literary Works • 672,592 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested.
The first thing I have to say is that this is one large paragraph. I personally hate that because it's hard for me to read and I already have trouble concentrating through most pieces. I suggest going back through this and finding places to break up paragraphs.
With that being said, I'll begin the review.
*okay, one of the most important parts of a short story is the opening line. What you've written here is great content wise, but with a little rewording, it can be amazing. I suggest something along the lines of this: "He was around the side of the house, hanging a door when he heard it; the screams of his child and his wife". With this sentence worded like this, you have good content and emotion all mixed into one.
*this is one big run-on sentence. I understand that all of these ideas run together, but with some added punctuation, it can be better. Hopefully you understand what I put in red above. I tried to help you out with this sentence, but I'm just confusing myself now. Just follow what I did to the first half of this. Basically, you used the word 'and' too many times. You can still link multiple ideas together without having to shove them into the same sentence.
I warn you, the review is about to get real harsh. Just remember, I'm here to help you become a better writer, not belittle you. That's my least favorite thing to do. I'm just going to point out what will make your story better.
So, usually I review as I read, but I stopped after the second sentence because of the abundance of run-on sentences. They start and just seem to go on forever. Honestly, I think there's only a few sentences in this that aren't run-ons. I suggest going back and reading your story aloud. That way you can hear what sounds right and what doesn't.
As for character development, there is none. All I know is that there's a mother and a father and a baby. The family must own an apartment complex or something because the father is fixing a door for a tenant in the beginning. But I know nothing else about him. How old is he? What is he wearing? What color hair does he have? Is he tall or short? These same questions pertain to the mother and the baby. I want to know more about your characters. Dig deep and give me some good details.
Lastly, I want to say that I am completely confused by this story. I know there is some sort of puddle on the floor of the kitchen and it's burning the baby. But where did it come from? And what's the whole thing with the diaper? Maybe I just didn't read closely enough and missed these answers. Who knows.
Overall I'd say this is a good start and a great idea. With some tweaking and editing, this can be a great story. Hope my review was ok!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
This gives me a bone chilling thought of pain and empathy. This also has a Stephen King affect on me which is a good thing regarding my love for his disturbing and grueling stories. I love it! You certainly have a talent for writing and i strongly encourage you to continue, because this has qualities of a graphic story with elements of horror. With that being said you also have a very unique mind of brutal imagery which reveals itself through this horrific tale. Nice Job
First this is really, really disturbing. I mean where did you get the idea from ? I had to take a minute a two to become normal! If that was what you were going for then thumbs up, all the way up! But usually people don't like to read things like this. Second thing was I really like your way of describing the scene and the whole emotion going on. Third I think you used 'Daddy' a bit too much you could have used dad after a few times, it would have felt a bit fresh and last think I kind of got lost at the last few sentences, I had to it twice to understand and then I got. Last thing, I promise! Incarnation means assumption of human form or nature, but you've written " it's self' soul so much vapor aloft, falling as rain and then rising, the sun up and down like a yoyo." so I really don't get where it's taking up the form of nature.Was it taking the form of rain ? So please explain that. Going to wrap it up now, your stories disturbingly good.
Could you please read my story and give me input ? Thanks!
-BlackStallion