Luko
Luko's heart raced at the sheer stupidity of his actions. Cursed with an irrepressible love of forbidden actions and unpredictable flights of fancy, Luko was a danger to himself and everyone around him. Until now however, he had merely been the laughingstock of his family, but as he ventured further and further into uncharted territory, he drew closer to achieving the title of "traitor".
The hot, buggy night air of Flood Town contrasted with the cool wind on the boy's wet skin as he ran. Beads of water still ran down his lizard scale clothes from when he had last swam, but Luko took no notice of them. Water was practically no different than air at this point, given that he spent almost an equal amount of time surrounded by both. Other Flood Town residents ambled past him, the sacks toted from their shoulders filled with the day's bounty. Several of them drew weapons as he passed, wary of an unfamiliar face in the territory they knew so well, but Luko prided himself as one of the fastest among his peers, and easily slipped past everyone he encountered. That is of course, until he came across someone he wanted to talk to.
"Hey, what's your sleep schedule?" He asked slyly, pulling back his dorsal fin cap to fully admire the portly girl before him. The girl, who was about his age, looked up from the loot she was sorting. Her eyes scanned him quickly and skeptically, not wasting more than a second or two before they looked back at the treasure.
"Please. Don't even start with me," she said. Her chubby arms gathered the valuables on the bed back into her bag protectively. "A skeleton like you doesn't have a chance with me. Go court some scrawny little wretch, I don't have time for this."
Luko sighed and shifted uncomfortably. "Well, it was worth a shot," he muttered.
The girl scoffed. "As if. Anyways, you'd better get lost before my family finds you. The Rivemorts are known for their bloodlust."
The young man's eyes widened as he heard the name. "You're part of the Rivemort family? Do you know where I can find Lorenzo Rivemort?"
"You'll find him about ten metres under the pillar with the skull nailed to it."
"How pleasant." He remarked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
The chubby girl chuckled sadistically as he walked away. "You're an idiot for seeking him though. You won't live long once you find him. I don't know how they do it on your side of town, but we don't give out favors for scrawny little strangers."
Luko leaped to the next building, a grin spreading across his face. "We'll see."
As the sun began to rise, Luko realized that he only had a few hours left in his usual sleep schedule and was immediately glad that he had gone through the buildings instead of over top of them. While jumping from roof to roof combined both danger and speed, two of Luko's favorite things, it was undoubtedly slower and less conspicuous. In another family's territory, taking chances like that could cost a man his life.
Finally, Luko reached his destination. Before him stood a massive structure, almost completely submerged. Presuming that it had once been some sort of court or governmental building, Luko was swam towards its massive pillars in awe. Despite the murky flood waters which obscured all but its grand roof and the tops of the supports holding it up, the building retained a good deal of its original glory.
Taking a deep breath, Luko dove. The warm dark water felt familiar on his skin, caressing his every muscle as he swam. Having known how to swim before he could walk, Luko took off like a bullet underwater, subordinating his other senses in preference to touch. With his hands stretched in front of him, he felt the surface of the road, and made his way along it to the base of the court building. After making his way up the stone steps, worn smooth from hundreds of years of water damage, the boy entered the structure and began climbing to where he could make out the vague shimmer of an air pocket. Lorenzo's lair.
Luko surfaced to the sight of two men drawing long thin daggers.
"I have vital information for your elder, Lorenzo Rivemort," He gasped, skipping right to the point, lest the men gut him before he could get a word out.
"Hand over the sack." The two men were taller and fatter than Luko, and they could clearly best him in a fight. He had no option but to hand his possessions over without complaint. As they took the bag and began rifling through it, Luko put on his most convincing disappointed face and suppressed a smile.
"This is some nice stuff! Can you believe a scrawny kid like this was carrying loot this valuable?" the man said to his companion, his face illuminated with greed.
"You don't get all of it! I found him too."
For a moment it seemed like the men were about to take their blades to each other's throats, but the boy cut in.
"First of all, I'm nineteen, and almost a third of the way through what I expect to be a long and prosperous life, so I am hardly a kid. Secondly, I don't give a rat's ass what you take as long as the sapphire goes to Lorenzo. It's a gift."
Slightly stunned by his bravado, the two men paused for a moment, before chuckling at the absurdity of the situation.
"I don't know what you were thinking coming down here, but if you think a little stone like this one is going keep Lorenzo from killing you, then you made a huge mistake. Typically when people from other families visit, he just kills them and takes their stuff. I can't see how you would think anything would be different for you."
"Just take me to him," Luko said, as one of the men patted him down for hidden weapons, and took Luko's hat for himself.
"As you wish."
The building was cold, unlike the hot swampy air in the city above. Luko enjoyed the chill on his skin, because of its stimulating effect. After all, that's what this whole thing was about. Excitement.
It was not until he entered the main chamber, however, that his heart began to beat furiously. Sitting high atop a stone pillar on a throne beside his wife, the matriarch of the Rivemort family, Lorenzo watched Luko approach. The man was not only obese beyond measure, but was surrounded with almost twice as much loot as Luko's patriarch was. Sorted neatly into piles around him, the treasure gleamed in the torchlight and succulent dishes from all over Archia glistened beside them in an adjacent pile. This man was powerful.
"Who is this boy?" Lorenzo demanded, turning to his plump wife as if to ask if she knew anything about him. His eyes were curious, but also... thirsty. Luko know that look. It was his look. The look of a man who wanted nothing but a little excitement. Any thrill, however cheap.
Luko sighed. "Again with the boy thing. I'm actually nineteen, so..."
The other members of the patriarch's family dropped their mouths in awe. This kind of disrespect was unheard of. As the two men guarding Luko began sorting the loot they had taken from him, he smiled. Everything was going according to plan. Some items they kept for themselves, but all others were sorted into their respective piles beneath the thrones where Lorenzo and his wife sat. as he spoke, Luko kept a close eye on which items went where.
"I've come here as a diplomat of the Desoir family, from the other side of Flood Town."
This elicited a laugh from the group, who knew of the Rivemort's reputation.
"Did you not see the skull on the pillar?" Lorenzo asked amusedly. "This family does not deal in diplomacy, we deal in death."
As they spoke, everything was set into position, so Luko began the next stage of his plan, barely able to keep from laughing at his own cleverness.
"It's obvious from all I have seen and heard that you are a truly powerful man, but let's be honest, you didn't get there just by killing everyone who stands in your path. You're a brilliant man, and the only reason you've stayed alive this long is because you know how to play your cards."
Lorenzo tilted his head, half smiling. At the same time that he was flattered, he was also aware that the statements being made did not completely coincide with his reputation, and in flood town, reputation was almost as important as survival.
"What's your point?"
"I have valuable information, that I'm certain you will want to hear."
Again the crowd chuckled, aware that their boss was not known to be one who valued information more than silver. As far as they were concerned, there was about to be a bloodbath.
"I'm listening," Lorenzo said, "But Keep in mind that if this information isn't useful to me it won't excuse you of trespassing on my territory. If it doesn't make my life better, yours will get a hell of a lot worse."
"First, I'd like to discuss my payment. I'll need supplies for a journey of approximately half of a year. That means food, silver, and a good horse."
The members of Lorenzo's court were too surprised to laugh this time.
"You've got ten seconds to tell me why I shouldn't order you killed right now."
The Rivemort family drew their daggers and began approaching Luko menacingly. Luko's heart beat even faster as he realized what he said now would mean the difference between life and death. Putting on a confident smile, he responded as calmly as he could with armed men advancing on him.
"I think you'll want to know which of your men are conspiring against you."
Lorenzo narrowed his eyes. The men of the court looked hastily at one another, and whispering broke out, cascading across the group like ripples in a pond.
"Prove it," the patriarch demanded.
The men with daggers crept closer, awaiting the slightest command from their leader to spill Luko's blood onto the damp floor. Luko pointed his finger at one of the men who had escorted him in.
"My sources tell me that the man with the dorsal fin cap is going to try and poison you tonight."
"I don't think you heard me, boy. Prove it!" Lorenzo shouted, growing more impatient by the second.
"I was told he would put the poison into a pie, and give it to you as tribute. If you eat that pie, you'll be dead in under ten minutes."
All eyes turned to the pile of food. Sure enough, an unblemished pie sat pristinely at the top of the stack, its filling reflecting the anxious faces of the crowd.
"It was Phillip who put the pie there!" shouted one of Lorenzo's extended family, "I saw him do it!"
Phillip, who was just now realizing that "the man with the dorsal fin cap" was him, stood paralyzed with fear. His eyes resembled dinner plates as everyone in the room looked directly at him.
"No I didn't! I mean... I did, but it's not poisoned! I mean, it might be... but I-"
"Enough!" shouted Lorenzo. "We're going to find out if it really is poisoned before we go turning on one of our own. Fetch me a lizard."
As the occupants of the room began searching the floor and walls for something to feed the pie to, Luko noticed Lorenzo's face. His eyes were locked solidly on Luko, as if he were sure the boy would try something at any moment.
After a couple minutes of looking for a lizard, and a couple more of trying to coax it into eating the pie, the wait began to see if it would die. This anticlimactic lull in the excitement was not anticipated. Luko began to sweat as he realized that Lorenzo was losing patience. His appetite for blood needed to be satiated.
"Is it dead yet?"
"No uncle, the creature still lives."
Lorenzo turned to Luko and smirked as if relishing some victory.
"I've seen enough. Kill the boy."
Luko's heart hammered against his chest and his head began to spin. As the men approached him from all sides, he felt sick to his stomach. His plan had failed and now he was going to die. He clutched his blond hair and awaited his fate with closed eyes.
"Wait!"
The men froze, several with their daggers already held high above their heads.
"The lizard is dead. The boy was telling the truth."
Luko let out a painful breath and regained his confidence.
"Again with the boy thing..."
The men of the court now paid him no attention and turned back to Phillip, who stood sputtering as they shouted questions at him. Finally, mob mentality getting the better of them, the crowd cried for his blood and surrounded him with weapons drawn.
"No! You don't understand! The kid framed me! He had the pie in his bag, so I took it and put it in the pile! I had no idea it was poisoned."
"Is this true?" Lorenzo demanded of Luko, happy that excitement had once again relieved him of his boredom.
"It's not. And I can prove it."
"Oh?"
"That's not the only bit of intel I have. I've also been told that one of your family is to marry a girl from the Lunepe family without your consent. He plans to join her clan and make off with as much of your loot as he can carry."
"I don't believe you."
Luko smiled. "You don't have to. You just have to believe the note on his belt."
The whole family followed the path of his eyes to a man standing near the back of the room. Gasps were heard as people began to notice that tucked into his belt was indeed, a small piece of parchment.
"I've never seen this paper before in my life! I have no idea how it got here!"
"Read it!" ordered Lorenzo, soaking in the drama.
The man removed it from his belt and studied it, his mouth dropping open in horror when he saw what it said.
"I- I-"
"Read it!" he shouted again. A woman in Lorenzo's court grabbed the paper from his hands and read it out loud.
"Meet me in the centre of town by the old statue. Bring as much treasure as you can, and we will finalize our union. Let no one know you are doing this. Until then, fare thee well my love, signed, Lauren Lunepe."
For a few seconds, the whole court was frozen in shock. Before anything else could be said, Luko spoke, loudly addressing Lorenzo.
"Now that you know my information is legitimate, we can talk about my payment. If you give me the supplies I need, I'll tell you one more secret your family has been keeping from you."
Lorenzo studied his face, gazing at him intently, as if to try and read his mind. When Lorenzo spoke, it was with the ease and peace of mind of man who know he had the upper hand.
"And if I say no, and just decide to kill you right now?"
"Well then I'm afraid you won't ever know which of these men are stealing from you."
Murmurs broke out among the crowd. Lorenzo rested his chin on his hand and brooded for a moment.
"No."
"No what?" Luko asked nervously.
"No, that's not how this is going to work. I'm going to give you half of the silver you'll need for this journey, and then when you tell me who is robbing me I'll tell you the location that you'll find your horse, equipped with the rest of the silver and all of the food you'll need."
"Fine."
After being handed a sack filled with a good deal of silver, Luko turned to Lorenzo and spoke. "That man there," he said, pointing to the other man whom he had met when he first surfaced. "I saw him steal a large sapphire from your treasure pile when I came in. now that you know all I know, I'll be needing the location of that horse."
Before the crowd could begin another witch hunt, Lorenzo stopped them, cutting off the accused man mid excuse.
"Listen kid, I'm not a fool. I see everything that goes on in my territory. I know you brought a poisoned pie here to frame that man."
Luko opened his mouth to say something, but the patriarch continued.
"I watched as the dagger with that fake note you brought with you was traded and passed around the room until it reached that man's belt. And finally, I'm aware of every bit of treasure that belongs to me, and most of the ones that don't. That sapphire you accused my nephew of stealing has never belonged to me."
"Well, I-" Luko started, his head beginning to spin again as his plan dissolved before him. He was beginning to lose track of how many times he had almost died today.
"You used the psychology of my family against them, knowing well that those items in your bag would end up scattered across the room within minutes, giving you a perfect opportunity to frame them. You have trespassed on my territory, lied to me, tried to trick me into turning against my own family, and attempted to extort me out of everything I own."
That's it, I'm dead. Luko thought. Everyone in the room knew it. Of all of the times he had narrowly escaped being killed today, this would be the last.
"And I respect you for it!" Lorenzo finished, standing up from his throne.
"What?"
The rest of the Rivemort family were stunned. Lorenzo was grinning from ear to ear.
"You have some serious guts trying to pull that nonsense in my territory. And a hell of a sharp intellect at that. I was very much like you when I was young, and I think you have the potential to be patriarch of your family one day, but judging by your demands that's not your plan, is it?"
"No sir," Luko answered, discovering a new politeness as he felt the euphoria of a man who was saved from death. "I want to travel the world and seek my fortune."
"Another bold move, deserting your family like that. You know they will consider you a traitor for leaving, and yet you leave anyway. That's the kind of spirit Flood Town needs more of. I'll be happy to support your endeavor."
Lorenzo then turned to address his family. "See to it that this man has enough food and silver to make it all the way to Selingrad. I'll also arrange for the best horse I can get to be waiting for you outside the city with plenty of alfalfa," He said, turning back to Luko. "Is that all you'll be needing?"
Luko thought for a moment, and then crossed his arms. "Actually, there is one more thing."
"Yes?"
"I want my hat back."
Phillip removed the dorsal fin from his head and cursed. After receiving his cap back, Luko tipped it in thanks to Lorenzo and exited the Rivemort headquarters. His journey had only just begun.
End of chapter
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Hi psudiname! Sorry this has taken a little while to get to.
I’m not sure how well this works as an opening. You start off showing, with Luko’s heartbeat, but then launch into an info-dump about him being a danger and a laughingstock. Personally, I’d nix this chunk and start with the next paragraph.
That should be a small letter on the tag. Also I’m not sure why he’s stopping—I thought he was in a huge hurry. The first sentence is about the stupidity of his actions, which makes me think he’s on the run from something daft he’s done, so being chased by the police, so anxious to get to safety, not stop to chat up a girl.
If you have a tag, like “he said” or “she said”, you need to end the dialogue with a comma and begin the tag with a small letter. So it should be ’How pleasant,’ he remarked.
Um, what?
I personally dislike using “menacingly” for anything because it sounds cheesy, but see what other people think.
This feels inconsistent with what you’ve shown us of Luko’s character so far. You’ve made a big point of showing how Luko gets off on danger and excitement, a real adrenaline junkie. But now at this crucial moment, this ultimate high, the quivering moment between life and death, he loses it and panics. He’s gone from laughing at his own cleverness to helpless fatalism, which doesn’t gel well together.
Also, this is not the moment to tell us what colour his hair is. Tell us that later on. Right now we’re meant to be concerned over whether Luko lives or dies, so don’t distract us with details that aren’t plot-relevant.
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Hi!
Overall, this seems like a good start. I like the idea of Flood Town, and the families each in their own territories plotting and stabbing and backstabbing and wheeling and dealing. Your overall style is good and easy to read; I’d like a little more description to make the scenes more vivid, but that’s easily added in. There were a few typos and grammar mistakes, but a quick proof-read will pick those out.
The main thing that could be improved is Luko’s character, because as I pointed out above, he seems inconsistent, almost like two people. There’s the arrogant daredevil who stops to chat up girls and bounces over rooftops and is cocky enough to try and fool the Big Cheese—but then there’s the nervous weakling who cowers before a knife and doesn’t seem bored so much as a scrounger and scavenger. Fear of death is excellent; it’s a human trait that stops Luko being an annoying superman and keeps him likeable, but the way that he gives himself over entirely to fear clashes with the persona of the wild con-man. The personality traits don’t mesh well with each other, so they don’t seem like parts of the same person. It’s too bipolar. One second Luko’s congratulating himself on his cleverness and audacity, the next he’s nervously quivering. Obviously don’t get rid of his fear, but try and integrate it with the rest of him. Maybe tone down the cockiness, and don’t tell us straight out that Luko is bored. He doesn’t seem bored, and telling us that he is makes the nervousness and fearfulness even more incongruous.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
Hey there psudiname,
First I would like to congratulate you on giving me a very enjoyable read. Your story is one of the first that I've read that didn't have so many grammatical errors, that it distracted me from the story trying to be told. The first sentence is a great hook and your superb word choice kept me interested throughout. I particularly enjoyed all the imagery you used, especially the scene where he is diving under the water. Your character is well rounded and interesting and the tension that you managed to build in the scene where Luko's attempting to trick Lorenzo was marvelous. His whole scheme was elaborate and fun to read about. I'm very intrigued as to what is going to happen next. Keep it up.
-Hyjoinks
Very interesting I liked it's a lot. I didn't see very many grammatical errors and the main character was charming. My only problem I would have like more descriptions so that I could not just "see" what was happening, but experience it for myself. What is flood town? Is this is some sort of dystopian America? Or is this some made up country from which no one has heard of. Maybe describe the feud between the two families you mention and the inner workings of this new society. Besides that I found this to be a good read and would like to read more