Published July 26, 2012
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hi
Sorry it's been so long. I've been terribly busy.
I must admit, I'm not a fan. The problem is you have not given the reader anything at all really. There is no subject (or at least no subject directly eluded to), and no description or evocative elements apart from what is readily apparent. Basically, it's shallow. You've hit us with a list, but nothing else. And it does read a little like a shopping list. It's short and sharp, minimalistic, and that can be cool, but you haven't pulled it off here. Consider Ezra Pound's 'In a station of the metro':
Pure imagism. On the face of it there isn't much to it, but when you really look you'll find an unbelievable amount of depth. Every word is perfectly placed, carefully considered. Not a single word could be removed or replaced. What I want to draw your attention to here is the heart of the poem. It's not the first line, nor the second; rather it is the link between them. It is the linking of two images that have unexpected likeness. You're on the right track I think; you have a whole lot of images with unexpected likeness. What you're missing is the crucial link.
Basically, katie, it's about depth. "Show, don't tell" is lazily thrown around this site all the time, but here it is particularly true. You've told us a lot of things, but shown us nothing. Pound told us virtually nothing, but showed us an entire world.
Reflect on this, mull it over, take your time. Poems like this are meant to be savoured. If you edit it, let me know
Le K.
I enjoyed this poem very much.
I like how the poem created a mysterious aura until the very end. Your choice of words made it sound more dramatic. I suggest you add different punctuation in every line because the periods seem to cut it off suddenly, making the poem seem quick. The punctuation will help send strong emotions across the poem. Overall, it is a very good and unique poem
I haven't been on here in a while and this just happened to be the first poem I came across. I actually enjoyed this poem. It is quite simple, bare really, but it conveys the actual meaning of the poem quite well. This is a rare poem that needs no more detail to be complete. I would caution you on using periods at the end of every line, as it makes the poem a bit too abrupt, a bit choppy. But overall this was a fairly good poem.