Luke

  Sitting there on the sofa, while Jade was upstairs, I felt a sudden urge to lean across and kiss him. It would be so quick, so simple and no one would ever know. I sat forward slightly and he smiled. That smile that was across his face but not his eyes. It said so much. My gaze lowered to the scar on his arm. The one inflicted when I didn’t talk to him for just over a day. Another person’s blood.  My fault.

  Suddenly the door creaked open and I leant back. Jade looked at me and then at Luke, before sitting down on the sofa. There was an awkward silence.

   Now it’s twenty four hours later and I’m very glad I didn’t kiss him. I love him, but not in that way. I couldn’t live with him. Or could I? I don’t know. All I know is that he can’t live without me and that when he’s not insulting my boyfriend or Jade, I enjoy talking to him, but I’d be stupid to give up a perfect relationship for a guy that digs his nails deep into his own skin whenever I don’t talk to him for a matter of hours.

  Jade made another confession this evening. She’s been self-harming as well. She loves Luke so much, yet he feels nothing for her. I don’t know what to do with the pair of them. Without them my life would be so simple, yet empty. It’s like I need the power. I need the control. I need to know that there are people in the world who are totally reliant on me.

  Jade and Luke vary in their stress handling techniques. Luke scratches deep cuts on his hands and arms, visible to the world. He says they make him unique. Jade scratches high on her thighs, hidden to everyone.

  I just realised something. Sitting here, writing in my diary, I realised that I was the one that told Jade about cutting on thighs… I told her that that’s where a lot of people do it, because it’s so hidden. She hasn’t worn a skirt since then. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Part of me feels guilty, but another part of me thinks she did it before I told her that and another part of me says that it’s her own bloody fault she’s doing it and it doesn’t have anything to do with me. Why can’t Jade and Luke just get on with their lives like everyone else and not have to burden me?!?

  Ok, I’m back. I’ve calmed down a bit. I had to get another pen though, turns out throwing them against a wall doesn’t do them any good. Still it’s better than cutting into your own skin…

  And so, with fresh promises  from Jade and Luke over internet messaging about not self-harming, I lie back on my bed. Victory for today. For them. They have me. Having said that, I have a brilliant life compared to most people. I have Lacey. She describes me as the filter between Luke and Jade- which is true, whenever they talk to each other I hear the conversation from both sides- and Lacey describes herself as the bucket that catches the filters drops. It may sound sort of lowly, but without the bucket the filter would be no more.

  The doorbell has just rung. Chloe ran down the stairs full speed to answer it.

  Half an hour later, my heart has died a little. It was Luke at the door, I knew the moment he began to speak to Chloe, explaining to her that he needed to speak to my whilst trying to sound like he did care about her new toy pony.  He watched me as I went down the stairs towards him.

  “Go and play in the garden.” I whisper to Chloe. “The weather’s great.”

  Luke doesn’t move, he just stands in the doorway. I take his arms and roll up the sleeves. No new cuts.

  “I told you I wouldn’t.” He says.

  I smile. “You didn’t tell me you were coming.”

  “I had to see you. There’s something I want to tell you and it seems wrong to say it over the internet, I wanted to say it to you in person.”

  I didn’t say anything. I wanted to let him talk, I had a fear he would change his mind and not trust me all of a sudden.

  He closes his eyes and shakes his head before handing me a bit of paper.

When I first started talking to you, I was suicidal. You saved me. Those conversations saved me.

  I stare at the bit of paper.

  “I was going to tell you after you ignored me. That day was horrible for me. I realised I couldn’t cope without you.” I wrapped my arms around him. He whispered something in my ear. “I need you.” I turned my head towards him. I know I said it couldn’t work, but at that moment, I saw nothing in the world except me and him. I didn’t care what the consequences would be, what Jade would think of her best friend betraying her.

  I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t get the chance. At that moment my older brother burst out from behind the garden gate and slammed Luke against the wall.

  “Do not fuck with my sister.” Oliver snarled. “You have already messed her up too many times. She doesn’t need you.”

  Luke doesn’t look at me, he just stares at Oliver.

  “Piss off.” Oliver says, shoving Luke into the garden. “And don’t come back.” I run inside the house and upstairs, Oliver follows me. He grabs my shoulders. “Listen to me Cass. You don’t need him. He’ll mess you up. Jade used to be fine before she fell for him.”

  I shrugged him off and went to my room.

  It took me ten minutes to blink away the tears, but I know that Oliver is right. Whenever I’m with Luke, I only think about the present, but afterwards I remember that there are other people in the world and that I need to consider myself. Which is why I can’t talk to him anymore. He’ll get over me, one way or another. I just hope I don’t have to carry his death on my shoulders for the rest of my life…