Published July 10, 2012
Four girls were lying like crime scene bodies in a pink bedroom. A small fan whirred on the desk.
“It. Is. So. Hot.” A girl fanned herself with a copy of Cosmo.
“I know, right? We should… go to the pool or something, don’t you think?” Another girl sat up and re-ponytailed her hair.
“I don’t know…” A third girl was dabbing powder on her nose. “I don’t really feel like it,” she sighed. “Is your air conditioning even working, Ash?”
“Oh, it’s not even on. My parents decided to save the environment or something.” She rolled her eyes. “They started buying organic produce and those funny-looking light bulbs, too.”
The other girl clicked the powder compact shut and seated herself closer to the desk.
“Kayla… stop hogging the fan!” Ashley whined.
The girl with the Cosmo flipped through it for the tenth time that day. “Well, I guess my parents don’t care about the environment.” She used the magazine to ineffectually whack at a mosquito. She frowned as it buzzed to the other side of the room. “Our AC’s on full blast.”
The fourth girl spoke up. “Maybe we should go to your house then, Brianna.”
Brianna sat up, slump-shouldered, and sighed. “I don’t know…” She flopped back onto the bed. “I think my brother has a bunch of friends over.”
“Oh, okay then.” Amber started fussing with a hangnail on her thumb.
A lawn mower started up outside. Ashley got up to look out of the window. “I thought he just mowed a few days ago. Oh look, a breeze.” She closed her eyes and smiled.
“Doesn’t your dad know that’s bad for the environment?” Amber said.
Ashley snorted. “Is it? That’s funny.”
Kayla heaved a sigh and picked up her water glass from the floor. “Maybe we should go to the mall.”
“I’m kind of sick of the mall,” Amber said.
“Sick of the mall!” Brianna put down the magazine. “You must be crazy.”
“Well, I’ll go if you guys want to.”
“I don’t know…” the three girls chorused, and then laughed at the coincidence.
Amber pulled off the strip of skin and her thumb started to bleed.
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140,289 Literary Works • 673,076 Reviews
Hey prolixity!
Thanks for the review request. Your request actually got me reviewing again, so thanks a ton! ^_^
I'd be short since it's a short short story. xD! Besides, I'm not nitpicking line by line because I don't feel like it and I think an overall kind of review always helps!
So, this was short. Really short, I'd say! But that's not the point. What I felt was weird about this story was that it didn't lead us anywhere. I'm not sure what exactly was happening-it seemed more like an excerpt from some a bigger story you're planning rather than a full fledged story in itself. I hope I'm not confusing you.
Secondly, I think it was really confusing the way you sort of spat names at us. I'm still confused what exactly Brianna did or what was up with Amber. I mean, it's an effort to remember names like this. That's why you need to take a friendly approach. Plus, if you had described them more maybe it would have been easier.
Sorry to be rude or harsh, but I'm not sure what exactly I liked here. I think it could be a good story if you try coming up with a plot and extend it, but you'd have to think of a really good plot. Also, you need to describe more? I think for you, being a seventeen year old, writing should be better. You could add in more stuff, you see. Just take down notes and make an aim for where you want to go with this story.
You know there are two things perhaps which I did like. First of all the title was inviting and with that in your hand, you could have experimented more. Were you trying to show how hot it was and which had made people all lazy? Because if that was the aim, it's alright. The second thing I liked was the way I thought it could become a movie or something. Your dialogues were real and really good.
I'm not sure if I leave you with anything concrete to work on but I really don't have much to say what Rydia already hasn't. So, good luck and if you make any changes do let me know so I could review again!
Keep Writing!
~Mia
Thanks for the tips! I know there's not much going on, haha. It was just a short thing I did for a class, but now I have some ideas on how to expand it. Thanks again!
You're welcome!
And good luck with it.
Cool, then! When you expand and write it, do let me know.
I read this and I think that the term "tarantinoing" should be a real word. You create and define these characters (more as whole than as individuals, in my opinion, and it works that way) through what it seems just a casual conversation in a casual scenario. Still, it has elements that draw my attention, both in the narrative, in the enviroment and in those dialogues.
Talking about the dialogues, I think they are mostly well written, but I do not like that you use so often ellipses. I know you want to give the conversation this feeling of realism by making sure we get the pauses, but I you overuse this tool, forcing it sometimes. This is my opinion as for the style of the dialogues, and in fact is kind of hypocritical because I too am fond to the ellipses in my writing (so I better go check where I am doing the same thing I am criticizing).
It's... a fine story. It's ligh, and that's what makes it interesting at the same time it keeps it from being something more compelling or memorable. The thing I think it lacks is conflict. I don't say they should go out and kill someone or go to Egypt and explore some temples, but I was expecting a conflict driven by the dialogue. If you can set problem, and you can handle it and solve it using mostly dialogue, then you would really had me hooked.
Well, that's my review. I hope it helps you whether to improve this story or to write new ones. Good luck!
Thanks! You're right about the ellipses. I never even noticed them. I guess I wasn't going for pauses so much as a whining tone. So I'll have to work on that.
Yeah, I guess nothing really happens to the characters. It's more a realization on the reader's part, that the girls aren't such a happy group of friends or whatever. I'll see about adding an actual conflict.
I had to google Tarantino and I don't think I've seen any of his films. But I'm guessing that's a compliment, so thanks!
This short story is great because it looks to be a simple conversation, but you can tell from the almsot sarcastic language used that there is deffinitely an underlying unsympathetic voice in this peice. I like that, it seems like you are exploring the lives of these four simple girls and what their friendships are founded upon. I also got, if Iwas meant to, that Amber seemed a bit away from the swim - not quite there. Anyhow, I really enjoyed the message of your short story.
Abigail. xxx.
Thanks for the review.
Hi again! I thought I'd drop by and review this for you
I love this opening line. The sound of it and the image it puts in my head are both beautiful.Specifics
1.
2. I'm not sure about reponytailed. It sounds a bit strange and drags on rather awkwardly. Perhaps you could try something like 'and fixed her hair' or 'and took her hair down, only to tie it up again'.
3. I'd like a few details of the girls, just to help me tell them apart. They're all quite similar in dialogue and personality (which I rather love as it reminds me vividly of some girls I overheard in Waterstones and a scene that inspired me to write). But perhaps you could refer to them by the colours or lengths of their hair or the colour of their skin? Or simple as 'compact girl', 'cosmo girl', 'ponytail girl' etc. Just four specific lables so we know which each is.
4. Mosquito? What country are they in? It would be quite nice if you gave a sense of setting, maybe just a sentence near the beginning.
5. The way you bring the names in feels rather forced. People don't often refer to each other by names when they're in a small group, they just look at who they're talking to. The way this is set up, it's very obvious that the names are there just so your reader knows who the characters are. I'd rather see them referred to as 'cosmo girl' etc. as it's a very short piece and that would give more characterisation than names do.
6. Coincidence isn't the right word, not quite. Uh... I'm not sure what you could have instead. Perhaps just say, 'and then laughed at themselves'.
Overall
It's an interesting short! I wonder if you were planning to do anything more with it? It works as it is, just as a bit of a character sketch and I'm not sure where you'd take it if you did decide to extend it. Unless you decided to make it part of a novel I suppose.
I feel really though that it's a good length already and makes a nice statement on those sort of 'nonsense' conversations that seem to go nowhere and be about nothing. I like it and I haven't much more to say to be honest. Good work!
Heather xxx
Thanks for the review! It was really helpful. I know what you mean about the names. That's my biggest issue with this piece, I think. Too many people in too short of a space. I'll see if I can work something out.
I wasn't planning to expand it much more, just try to fix some of its problems. It was from a prompt from a class to "fascinate the reader with a description of a boring situation." I think if it was any longer the fascinating part would fall apart and it would just be boring, haha.
Thanks again!