Clash - Chapter 1.

Howdy, this is in response to your request for a review, please let me know if this is helpful, and feel free to ask for specific feed-back in the future. AS it is, I'll start with some nit-picking, and move towards a more general opinion.

"It’d only took the words"
took -> taken

"queue or it had broke down"
broken

"She turned back on her heel, back to the car which was still empty"
She turned back on her heel to the car that was still empty.

Generally you'll use "which" over "that" only after a comma, as a sort of tangent in conversation, whereas "that" is more of a straight shooter, requiring no comma and carring on the line of thinking of the previous clause.

"against it and waiting"
waited

"She looked around the waiting room while she asked no sign of him."
She looked around the waiting room while she asked; no sign of him.
Or: full stop after asked. It's a conclusion to a question that isn't asked in the prvious clause, so it's a separate idea that needs a semicolon or full stop.

"“Tyson?” The girl asked, Alicia looked at her, of course she knew his name."
I think breaking this up would make it more accessible to the reader. It's important to signify that you're switching from direct speech to a characterisation of that speech, to a description of a physical response to that speech, and finally to an internal response to that speech through short sentences like so:
"Tyson?" The girl asked. Alicia looked at her. Of course she knew his name.

"she was a terrible flirter"
Just "flirt", no need for the "er"

"she didn’t have to look for him any further into building"
she didn't have to look into the building for him any further.

"of the Hospital"
Doesn't need a capital, it isn't a proper noun in the sense of being the name of the particular hospital.

"her phone of the"
"off" unless the seat owns the phone

"she had no missed calls from him, and he wasn’t picking up his phone, which she knew he had with him, because they were going to go and swap it after the hospital"
Some of these commas could be full stops: short sentences make the scene tenser and the prose easier to read.

"she didn’t know while"
didn't know "why"

"where she wasn’t exactly allowed"
I actually liked this, the word "exactly" shows that she's breaking a rule but trying to ignore/justify it. Good work.

"A song that both her and her brother knew."
"she" and her brother

"until her brothers favourite "
favourite of her brother, so "brother's"

"she hoped she would find the phone with her brother. But she didn’t"
I don't think you need this: the reader knowns she hopes that her brother is ok, and keeping the monologue a little detached from her internal responses and focussed on the search itself makes the scene more suspenseful, as the pace is quicker without resorting to her reaction to the search, and the reader is left to draw their own conclusions of how she feels when you don't directly tell them.

"he had held of "
"he held" or "he had hold of"

"She went to head butt him, but he dodged, she tried to struggle out of his grasp, "
once again, if some of these commas are full-stops, the pace is faster and more abrupt: which is probably something you want for this bit of the scene.

"someone joined him from behind"
Unclear if her or his behind: only clarified in the next phrase, so it was confusing to read.

"she felt and sharp"
"a" sharp

"longer enough "
long enough

"impossibly take to two men "
take two men

"his hands, both attackers "
Once again, a full stop here fixes the longer sentence.

Overall I like it: the suspense builds up: there's a clear climax around the violence and the unexplained box stepping in: though perhaps there could be a little more detail as to how that goes down, even if the girl doesn't understand what she's seeing.

I enjoyed the way that the girl subtly affected the narration, with little phrases like breaking the rule by walking down certain streets: it gave a brif glimpse into her thought processes.

your biggest grammatical concern is run on sentences, but that's easily fixed, as you seem to intuitively know that you require some punctuation, but rely on commas instead. Other than that, there's some basic editing, which I've highlighted above, which I think should be pretty self explanatory.

Once again, good work, I'd be happy to review anything else you care to post.

Peace out,
Rubric.

Hi! TazmaniaGirl to review here!

I'm not really good at Reviewing. I do it a different way to others. I state the obvious and that, but I don't do it a certain way, like below.

Postives :
I love the flow of this story. It doesn't drag on, and it keeps me intrugued.
I lovw some of the words you have used, and the characters names.
Well Done.

Negatives :
There are some sentances that drag on, and on.
Maybe use a few more descriptive words, and I also would love to hear about the characters a little more.

OVERALL -
Well done, and I hope to read more soon!

Hey Red! Sky here (you already know that) for a review.

Within fifteen minutes Alicia was waiting outside the local hospital in the beat up car her brother had worked long and hard to afford waiting for Tyson to return with a parking ticket.

Within fifteen minutes, Alicia was waiting outside the local hospital in the beat up car her brother had worked long and hard for, to afford waiting for Tyson to return with a parking ticket.

She thought, walking around the corner to the ticket machine, thinking there was probably a big queue or it had broke down, but there was nobody there. She walked over – it was working perfectly. She turned back on her heel and walked back to the car which was still empty.