Hana and Emily

Hello. It would appear I'm back from the dead, so this is my first review in...seven months? Eight? We'll see how this goes.

First off, I really enjoyed your concept I liked your characters and how mysterious they were, but maybe we could have been given just a little bit more on them? I'm assuming this is part of a much larger story, but I still felt very in the dark. My only details: Emily has brown eyes, thin lips, and is wearing a white gown. But what does Hana look like? I know there's a mark on her wrist; what does the mark look like? I don't know, just little details that would keep me wondering about them, but give me enough to go on.

There was a whole lot of dialogue in this, obviously. I suppose you were going for this as a style, and maybe there was only this much dialogue in this piece of your writing, but I just think that your dialogue to plot ratio was a little off. Don't get me wrong, this is really great dialogue. I especially liked Emily's dialogue; you could tell she was panicked by her words alone. But I had a lot of trouble figuring out who is talking, when. I also couldn't visualize their conversation, because while there was lots of information on their facial expressions and motions, I wasn't given much to go by on their body language and the tone of their voices. I'm a generally visual person, and this is probably all personal to me. I just felt like you could give me more on that, you know?

Finally (because I am me, after all, and this is what I do), a few grammatical nitpicks.

"The late night waves rushed over the sand dampening Emily's white gown."
There should be a comma between sand and dampening.

"With slow deliberate steps Hana closed the distance between them."
Since you're listing how she walks, there might should be a comma between slow and deliberate.

"Holding out her left arm Hana pulled up the sleeve to reveal the mark."
I figure you know where I'm going with this. Comma between arm and Hana. I'm a comma fanatic; you can go through some of my reviews and see people telling me to lay off the commas. You can take or leave this advice, as it may or may not be good for you!

"'You're determination is annoying.'"
*Your*

"Emily couldn't help but wonder how Hana could have been clumsy enough to of been marked."
*to have*

"Go to bed Emily she demanded. First light will provide you an answer. Holding up her dress she followed Hana's footprints into the shadows."
I think the other reviewers pretty much got this one just right. Though I LOVE where you were going with this ending (seriously, it's a great ending), that first sentence is a little confusing. Was Hana talking, or Emily?

Overall, this is such a good story. I enjoyed every bit of it. Please don't think that just because this review was long that there's a lot wrong with this story! I tend to ramble. It's a wonderful story, it really is. I look forward to reading more from you, and I hope this helps. Keep writing!

~Emily

Hi Magic!

Now, I wouldn't say I loved it nor would I say it was not confusing at all. It has actually left me with lots of confusion and questions but it was good. Kind of dark and scary. Just one thing, you must have left spaces after one conversation and the narrative parts.

Now, what I would say it that, it needed more information and what exactly is the story about. There's no story to it except the fact that Hana got a mark on her wrist which seems dangerous. Who are the shadows? Why does Emily need that box desperately? What is in that box? All these questions are twirling in my mind that its kind of disturbing.

Here:

"Hana's eyes looked to the fullness of the moon."

"Fullness of the moon" is not said that way. It's called "Full Moon". Here's a better way, re-written.

'Hana's eyes shifted to the full moon.'


"Go to bed Emily she demanded. First light will provide you an answer."

You missed the quotations there. Use edit, and edit it. From "Go to bed, Emily" and "First light--an answer".

And you seemed to have missed some comma's in between. Your punctuation has to improve a little more. I can see you're a splendid writer but you just need a little more practice.

Overall: Good job, though you could improve a little more. And that, with the help of the YWS team, you'll be awesome in no time! I'll be looking forward to more of your works! Rating this a 7/10.

Keep Writing ~

Cookie

this story sounds interesting but try to use more descriptive language and sensory detail, it will help grab the reader's attention.
all in all good job
keep it up!

This story is really good. the only thing is tell a little bit more info.

First off, this really grabs you but concerning your dialog, i found it hard to keep track of who said what. Also, i a few places, you forgot a " mark. Still, your writing is very grabbing and i hope you will continue

"You're still looking for the box," Hana said.
"I take it you know where it is," Emily replied.
The late night waves rushed over the sand dampening Emily's white gown.
"Where is it Hana?"
Hana bit her lip.
"Is it so important to you?"
"I wouldn't be standing here losing my mind if it we

I enjoyed that part a lot as i thought it was slightly stop-starty but good.

Go to bed Emily she demanded. First light will provide you an answer. Holding up her dress she followed Hana's footprints into the shadows.

Well um I thought that maybe there was supposed to be speech marks at the start?

I thought it was a great passage over all and keep on writing!

If you have any questions on this just ask!