z

Young Writers Society



The Shifters-Chapter 1

by BethJeff


Talia
My eyes snapped open as a lightning bolt illuminated my bedroom, wrapping everything in an eerie pale light before descending back into darkness. A low rumble of thunder came through my open window. Sighing, I sat up in bed and pushed my tangle of blond hair back off my face with shaking hands. I was still half asleep as I stumbled over to the window where I could hear the sound of heavy rain drops descending from the heavens.
Looking out, I watched as the rain slashed through the light from the streetlamp, dulling its bright orange glow and only illuminating the patch of road beneath it. Apart from that, the world was in darkness. There was no soft, safe light from the moon only the visitor of the night that engulfed the streets and houses. Cautiously walking back over to my bed, I felt around for my phone on the bedside table. It was hard to find in the darkness but once I did the light from the screen blinded me. I squinted and peered through the sleepy haze that was covering my eyes. Once they had got used to the harsh brightness of the phone I opened them fully and looked at the time. The digital clock read 4:28. Flicking on the lamp that was sat on the bookshelf, I reached for a jumper that was slung over the end of my bed and pulled it on, before tying my hair in a loose bun at the nape of my neck. I stood and walked to the door, my mind too alert and occupied to get back to sleep.
As I reached the door, I stretched a short pale arm towards the handle but stopped short as a faint red glow illuminated through the fabric of the sleeve. Slowly, I rolled it up. My hand shot to my mouth as understanding dawned on me. Somehow, engraved on my right wrist, in black ink, was a large majestic bird with a flaming body and wings, which actually seemed to be flickering from a dull red glow, to a sharp orange light and then back again. The dream came back to memory so fast that I had to place both hands firmly on the door to stop from slipping to the ground and curling up into a tight ball like I used to do as a child. In my minds eye, a valley rolled out before me and a soaring blue sky stretched out over head, seeming to travel into the distance as far as I could see. But what was strange, was that I wasn’t watching from a distance like you would in a movie. Seeing the character spiral in the sky, but I was viewing it all in first person. As if I myself was flying through the heavens at 30 miles per hour. I couldn’t enjoy the view long though, as the body my mind had inhabited swooped towards the ground and rose again quickly. Almost as if teasing me on my fear of heights. Although it was just a dream, I balled my hands into fists, clenching my fingers together as if they were the only thing stopping me from falling out of the sky as the ground swerved and dipped out of view again, but soon coming back and steadying out. I let out a breath as it finished and my body just glided on the wind. That didn’t last long. On a sharp current of air I flew vertically up into the sky. Passing through layers of clouds that vaporised around me as I sped through them. I rose higher and higher. Until suddenly the clouds were left behind me and I came up above them. All around the sky was a dark blue and I knew by just that, how high I was. At least the clouds stopped the view down to the ground. Whilst taking this all in, I hadn’t realized that I seemed to be coming to a stop in slow motion. The new world around me came to a halt and so did I. Then it hit me. I took in a deep breath and let out a terrified scream as I dropped back through the clouds, like a stone through water. That is when I got a proper look at my body. Whilst falling out of the sky I looked back at the place I had fallen from and could only see a muscular oval shape body with feathers made completely of fire despite the lack of oxygen. I also realized that metre long wings were pressed tightly against my torso and a forked tail flapped hastily in the wind. As I sped towards the ground, my speed not decreasing, I realized what I was. I was a Phoenix.
My eyes flew open and I found the anxious face of my mother leaning over me. Somehow I had managed to crumple to the floor in the dream-Probably, when I started falling. I gulped as she placed her hands on either side of my face. I looked into those sea green eyes that replicated mine and saw they were alert with fear. I remembered that in the dream I had began to scream, and feeling the soreness in my throat I must have been screaming aloud too.
“Well.” I said hoarsely, my throat stinging every time I spoke. “ that wasn’t a very pleasant dream.” despite the fear in my Mothers eyes the edge of her mouth lifted up in a smile.
“you scared the living daylights out of me.” she said as she pulled me too my feet. I bit my lip and looked down at the floor ashamed.
“sorry.”
“no need to apologise sweet. At least your alright.” we hugged in a tight embrace and then pulling away, I spoke in a whisper, hoping not to damage my voice any further.
“ Can we go down and get a drink?” My mother let out a laugh and took my right hand in hers.
“of co-” Whatever she was about to say was stopped as the mark on my wrist caught her eye. I had forgotten about it till now but it was too late to try and cover it up. She grasped my wrist and pulled it up closer to her face where she examined the glowing light which had now brightened and started turning yellow as well as red and orange. Typical.
Without further discussion she trailed me out of the room and bounded down stairs to the kitchen were she plonked me in a chair and began to boil the kettle.
“Mum?” I waited for an answer but there wasn’t one so I carried on talking although it hurt like hell to speak in anything above a whisper. “Mum I swear to you that I don’t have any clue about this.” as if she was going to believe that. “Look I woke up because of the lighting storm and found it on my wrist. So you can shout and swear at me as much as you like but I have no idea how it got there.” Still she didn’t answer. I sighed and looked out the window, watching the pea sized rain droplets hit the window until a mug of tea was placed in front of me. I took a sip of the hot drink and felt the warmth seep through my body. When I looked back up at my mother again, all anger had drained from her face and in it’s place a wild, crazy grin.
“Its finally happened.” she whispered to herself. Suddenly, making me jump, she snapped her fingers and went to the cupboard under the sink. For a few minutes she rummaged around. Swearing to herself until eventually she came out of the depths of the cabinet and chucked a thick leather bracelet on the table. I took it in my hands and examined it. It was pale brow in colour and the edges were tattered and old. I could tell it had been used many times before. a small metal clip was on the inside of the bracelet and the material was smooth on the outside.
“Put it on your wrist. It will stop the glowing.” said my Mother who was now sat back at the table. Doing as she said, I wrapped it around my bizarre tattoo and sure enough, the glowing could no longer be seen. My brow creased in confusion. Seeing my distress, mum placed her mug on the table and cleared her throat.
“It’s ok Talia. You don’t need to explain. I can do that for you.” I looked down at the bracelet and waited for her to continue.
“Since the beginning of time, Talia, our family have been able to do things other people cant. Sure, there are plenty of other families like us, but not nearly as many as ordinary people.”
“What are you talking about mum?” I asked. Confusion clouding my mind. Instead of trying to explain any further, she rolled up her own sleeve, and there, on her right wrist, was a black ink tattoo of a phoenix not glowing like mine, but still identical.
“I could sit here all day and tell you about why me and you have these marks, but I think it will just be simpler to show you.” without any further discussion, she rose from the table and stood out in the middle of the kitchen. She closed her eyes and her body relaxed. I sat there, tapping my fingers irritably on the table, but still nothing was happening.
“Mum, what are yo-” Slowly, my finger came to a stop as I watched my mothers face. Or should I say the birds face? Staring in amazement, I waited as her nose and mouth came together and formed a long and slender beak, her eyes became narrow and deep set and shone with hidden intelligence. Her body seemed to shrink and her legs thinned until they looked as thin as sticks. Her toes changing into three razor sharp claws. And finally her arms expanded until they were as thin as paper and glowing a spectacular ruby red. Her new transformed body stood on the floor gazing up at me. It tilted its swan like neck and shook out its feathers. The movement causing the entire creature to catch light. I stumbled out of my chair and fell onto the floor as the bird that was supposed to be my mother flapped its great wings and lifted itself into the air. It did a small summersault in the limited space of the kitchen before landing back down on the floor with a sharp clicking noise as its claws made contact with the wood panels underfoot. And then, quicker than it had started, the body of my mother re-formed and she took a shaky step towards the table. Her beach blond hair fell in a curtain across her face as she braced herself against the table. Breathing heavily. I was in to much shock and wonder to speak. My mother had just turned into the bird from my dreams.


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39 Reviews


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Fri Jun 15, 2012 5:44 am
laylaflame wrote a review...



Hey There!
I'm glad you requested a review because I really enjoyed reading this:D
I like how you got straight to the point within a few paragraphs as to what this is going to be about. Of course, you also let enough open questions to keep the reader engaged. Welldone.

I also think you could still break your paragraphs up more. A paragraph should be indicated with a blank line (personally I think this is the best method for this site to stop big, undesirable chunks happening), and used between speech and new ideas.

Just a little tip, you've written this in past tense, which is fine if you prefer it, just sometimes it can slow down your story. If your aiming for a fast paced, exciting story, perhaps try changing it to present tense. :)

As for the plot, it seems really interesting. I was however confused in the middle as to what was a dream and what wasn't. First I thought she was recalling her dream, but then she woke up... O_o

I think you're a good writer and definately have somewhere to go with story. Feel free to request another review for chapter 2!

(PS. I disagree with Twit on the arm thing. In one action you've given a clue as to what the main character looks like. And anything that hints to the reader about the characters, I personally think is good.)




BethJeff says...


Thanks that's been really helpful. I think I will go through and break up my paragraphs a bit because a few people have said that now. I will also make the dream clearer because I see what you mean about the confusion between dream and reality. I will probably keep the tense the same as I have like, 40 other pages after this so it would take a LONG time to change it all, aha, and I also find it easier to write in past tense. :D Thanks for all the advice!
~Beth :D



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Tue Jun 12, 2012 12:17 pm
Dawnbreaker wrote a review...



First i want to say that I absolutely loved this first chapter.

One problem: Spelling and grammar but that's easy to fix.

OH MY GOD YOU USED PARAGRAPHS! I'M SO PROUD.

This is great start and it has left me wanting more!

I know how excited you've been over this and now I understand why.

If you need my help just call/text/talk to me whenever you want.

Luv ya Bethie!

Keeya xxx




BethJeff says...


yes yes I know I'm terrible with grammar and spellings :L I'll go through and check that. And whoo I remembered to use paragraphs, lol
Cool thanks Keeya
~Beth ;D xxxx



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Sun Jun 10, 2012 1:36 am
emilybrodo wrote a review...



Hey, Em here with the review as requested,

Spelling and Grammar,

‘In my minds eye, a valley rolled out before me and a soaring blue sky stretched out over head, seeming to travel into the distance as far as I could see.’ Your mind is owning the eye, but you have forgotten to show this ownership. In other words, ‘minds’ needs an apostrophe, ‘mind’s’.

‘“ that wasn’t a very pleasant dream.”’ ‘“ that’ there shouldn’t be a space between the beginning quotation mark and ‘that’.

‘despite the fear in my Mothers eyes the edge of her mouth lifted up in a smile.’ I think you meant for this to be a new sentence, and therefore ‘despite’ should have a capital d: ‘Despite’.

‘“you scared the living daylights out of me.” she said as she pulled me too my feet. I bit my lip and looked down at the floor ashamed.
“sorry.”
“no need to apologise sweet. At least your alright.” we hugged in a tight embrace and then pulling away, I spoke in a whisper, hoping not to damage my voice any further.’ All these sentences need capitals.

‘At least your alright’ ‘your’ needs to be ‘you’re’ as you are saying ‘you are’.

‘“ Can we go down and get a drink?”’ Again, you have an unnecessary space between the beginning quotation mark and ‘Can’.

‘Without further discussion she trailed me out of the room and bounded down stairs to the kitchen were she plonked me in a chair and began to boil the kettle.’ ‘were’ should be ‘where’.

‘“Mum I swear to you that I don’t have any clue about this.” as if she was going to believe that.’ Ok, so in these sentences where someone speaks, and then you continue on, you need to either change the first full stop into a comma, or make ‘as’ capitalized. I think. I’m not too sure about this one. I used to be positive about it, but now I’m not too sure. Anyone reading this, help me out here?

‘So you can shout and swear at me as much as you like but I have no idea how it got there.”’ You have an extra space between ‘I’ and ‘have’.

‘“Look I woke up because of the lighting storm and found it on my wrist.’ You forgot the end quotation mark here.

‘When I looked back up at my mother again, all anger had drained from her face and in it’s place a wild, crazy grin.’ In ownership, when we are saying that ‘it’ owns something, we don’t use an apostrophe, as it can make people think you are saying ‘it is’ and such. So ‘it’s’ should be ‘its’.

‘“Its finally happened.”’ This ‘its’ does need an apostrophe, to say ‘it has’ : ‘it’s’.

‘I took it in my hands and examined it. It was pale brow in colour and the edges were tattered and old.’ Did you mean ‘brown’ instead of ‘brow’?

‘a small metal clip was on the inside of the bracelet and the material was smooth on the outside.’ ‘a’ needs to be capitalized.

‘I asked. Confusion clouding my mind’ So, either make these two sentences the one, or say

‘Confusion clouded my mind.’ It just doesn’t make sense the way it is.

‘Slowly, my finger came to a stop as I watched my mothers face.’ ‘mothers’ needs an apostrophe to show ownership, ‘mother’s’.

‘Her body seemed to shrink and her legs thinned until they looked as thin as sticks. Her toes changing into three razor sharp claws.’ Either join these two sentences of make the second sentence as so: ‘Her toes changed into three razor sharp claws.’

‘It tilted its swan like neck and shook out its feathers. The movement causing the entire creature to catch light.’ Same as above, you could change ‘causing’ to caused’ to keep them two separate sentences.

‘I was in to much shock and wonder to speak.’ ‘to’ should be ‘too’.



Dislikes: some of you paragraphs were a little bit long, no biggy, easily fixed. Dislikes is a harsh word, these are just minor issues that, when fixed, makes your story even better! There is a problem to do with the mum’s clothes, when she shifts, where do they go? In my book, I have a shape shifter named Jimmy. It took me a while to come up with a solution as to where Jimmy’s clothes would go when he shifts, so this is what I did. I said he had a tattoo on his thumb and pinkie of his left hand, and when he was in the middle of shifting, he’d rub the tattoos together, and his clothes would fade and end up where another symbol, which matched the tattoo of his finger, was found. I researched what happened to other shape shifter’s clothes went, and in Twilight for example, the werewolves clothes rip off, but their pants miraculously stay on them (thank god). I’m not sure whether my idea is really stupid or not, but it did solve the problem at least. (This is really random, but Jimmy can shape shift into a Phoenix too. My shape shifters have to collect the soul of an animal by killing it in order to morph into it. He killed this demon’s Phoenix and was cursed to be young forever, unless he kills her. Sorry, getting really off track now.)

Likes: I have to say, I really like this idea. The way you went about was awesome, and you have a great story brewing here. You didn’t just go: girl wakes up, shows flashing wrist to mother, mother tells her about Phoenixes. I can tell this is going to be an amazing book, and therefore, you have to tell me when the next chapter is out! I loved everything about this and didn’t get bored by it. I can’t find much wrong about it. Well done. Keep writing!

Advice: Like I said, make the longer paragraphs shorter, just by entering somewhere in the middle of them. When you’re describing Talia’s mum changing into the bird, there are a phew helpful words you can use: morphing, transforming, altering, contorting, deforming, distorting, converting, shifting and such. There’s always more room for detail, and maybe you could use a bit of imagery such as, and this is really random, ‘these thoughts bothered me like a small child tugging at its mother’s dress’ that’s the first thing that came to my head. Imagery I think is the icing of the cake.

If you have any questions or want another review, just let me know. Hope this helped.
From Em, XD
P.S. Sorry for all the babble and such.




BethJeff says...


Thanks, that's been really helpful. I know I am terrible with grammar and punctuation so I do really need to watch for that! I will go through and change those things you mentioned and change the length of the paragraphs a bit so thank you!
~Beth :D



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Fri Jun 08, 2012 8:10 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Hi Beth Jeff!

My eyes snapped open as a lightning bolt illuminated my bedroom, wrapping everything in an eerie pale light before descending back into darkness.

At first I thought this was, like, an actual lightning bolt actually in her room, like Emperor Palpatine zapping someone. Maybe reword to make clearer?


Sighing, I sat up in bed and pushed my tangle of blond hair back off my face with shaking hands.

Kudos for showing us her hair colour in the narrative rather than dumping it, but I think you could leave it out altogether. We’re only a few sentences in, and as I’m thinking her hair colour is not vital to the plot, you could show it later on.


There was no soft, safe light from the moon only the visitor of the night that engulfed the streets and houses.

It took me a few tries to understand this. Maybe add in a comma after “moon” or reword better. “Visitor of the night” makes it sound like something is visiting the night, not that the night is the visitor. Maybe nix and just say “night”.


As I reached the door, I stretched a short pale arm towards the handle but stopped short as a faint red glow illuminated through the fabric of the sleeve.

...Que? This makes it sound like she has several types of arms and she decided to use her short pale one this time. In any case, we don’t need to know that her arms are short and pale. Reword to something like At the door I reached for the handle but stopped short...

“Illuminated through” is the wrong phrase. Things that are illuminated are lit up by light, so a room could be illuminated by candles, or (if you’re being fancy) a face could be illuminated by a smile. You could say ...a faint red glow shone through the fabric of my sleeve.


My hand shot to my mouth as understanding dawned on me.

Awkward phrasing. It wouldn’t really matter elsewhere, but this is an important moment, so it has to be perfect. Maybe change to something like My hand shot to my mouth to smother my cry. That’s not very good either, but I don’t like “understanding dawned on me” as it sounds far too tame and passive.


Somehow, engraved on my right wrist, in black ink, was a large majestic bird with a flaming body and wings, which actually seemed to be flickering from a dull red glow, to a sharp orange light and then back again.

“Engraved” makes me think of stone and carving and blood, so I’d find another word—perhaps “etched”? This sentence is also rather long. I’d break it up so we have the reveal in one sentence so we can process it better and so it stands out more, and the description in another sentence. That way there’s more drama, if you see what I mean. ^_^


The dream came back to memory so fast that I had to place both hands firmly on the door to stop from slipping to the ground and curling up into a tight ball like I used to do as a child. In my minds eye, a valley rolled out before me and a soaring blue sky stretched out over head, seeming to travel into the distance as far as I could see. But what was strange, was that I wasn’t watching from a distance like you would in a movie. Seeing the character spiral in the sky, but I was viewing it all in first person. As if I myself was flying through the heavens at 30 miles per hour. I couldn’t enjoy the view long though, as the body my mind had inhabited swooped towards the ground and rose again quickly. Almost as if teasing me on my fear of heights. Although it was just a dream, I balled my hands into fists, clenching my fingers together as if they were the only thing stopping me from falling out of the sky as the ground swerved and dipped out of view again, but soon coming back and steadying out. I let out a breath as it finished and my body just glided on the wind. That didn’t last long. On a sharp current of air I flew vertically up into the sky. Passing through layers of clouds that vaporised around me as I sped through them. I rose higher and higher. Until suddenly the clouds were left behind me and I came up above them. All around the sky was a dark blue and I knew by just that, how high I was. At least the clouds stopped the view down to the ground. Whilst taking this all in, I hadn’t realized that I seemed to be coming to a stop in slow motion. The new world around me came to a halt and so did I. Then it hit me. I took in a deep breath and let out a terrified scream as I dropped back through the clouds, like a stone through water. That is when I got a proper look at my body. Whilst falling out of the sky I looked back at the place I had fallen from and could only see a muscular oval shape body with feathers made completely of fire despite the lack of oxygen. I also realized that metre long wings were pressed tightly against my torso and a forked tail flapped hastily in the wind. As I sped towards the ground, my speed not decreasing, I realized what I was. I was a Phoenix.

This is a cool dream, only I’m a wee bit confused. Is it a actual dream that she’s having while standing up or is it the memory of a dream she’s had before, or is this actually happening to her right now? I’d suggest breaking it up a bit as well, as right now it’s all one long paragraph. It looks blocky, and also too much of a chunk, like THIS PART IS THE DREAM AND THE REST IS NOT. If you break it up, it will fit with the rest of the page better.

Also write out numbers, so “30” should be “thirty”. And saying “thirty miles per hour” and “metre long wings” is too specific. Unless you’re Rain Man, you don’t really think in exact measurements. Just give a rough estimate like you would in real life, and worry about the exact details later.


I looked into those sea green eyes that replicated mine and saw they were alert with fear.

Too obvious. We don’t need to know what colour eyes she or her mother has, and the phrasing is weird anyway. If you’d just woken up from a crazy dream, would you look at your mother and think, “Oh right, she has green eyes... wait, I have green eyes as well!”


“Well.” I said hoarsely, my throat stinging every time I spoke. “ that wasn’t a very pleasant dream.” despite the fear in my Mothers eyes the edge of her mouth lifted up in a smile.
“you scared the living daylights out of me.” she said as she pulled me too my feet. I bit my lip and looked down at the floor ashamed.
“sorry.”
“no need to apologise sweet. At least your alright.” we hugged in a tight embrace and then pulling away, I spoke in a whisper, hoping not to damage my voice any further.
“ Can we go down and get a drink?” My mother let out a laugh and took my right hand in hers.
“of co-” Whatever she was about to say was stopped as the mark on my wrist caught her eye.

If you have a tag (“he said”, “she whispered”, “they yelled”, etc.) end the dialogue with a comma, not a full stop. If you have the tag in the middle of dialogue, like you have in the first line here, you also end the narrative with a comma.

When you introduce a new speaker, start a new paragraph and add a line break. Keep everyone’s actions and dialogue together, that way we know who’s speaking and doing what when.

Example:
“So are there any new episodes of Danger Man we haven’t seen yet?” Bob asked, opening a packet of Doritos and offering them around the room.

Harry took one and crunched loudly. “No, we saw the last one yesterday. Don’t you remember, it was that one with the powder in the jacket.”

“I don’t suppose anyone wants to know what I want.” Moses stretched and scratched his stomach.

Harry rolled his eyes. “Okay. What do you want?”

“What I want,” Moses said, “is to watch The Lion King.”


She grasped my wrist and pulled it up closer to her face where she examined the glowing light which had now brightened and started turning yellow as well as red and orange. Typical.

Why is it typical? Has this happened before?


When I looked back up at my mother again, all anger had drained from her face and in it’s place a wild, crazy grin.

Wrong word. “It’s” with an apostrophe is short for “it is”. You need it without the apostrophe for possessive.

---
Yo! This is a cool plot premise, and this is a good first chapter. You introduce character and drama and a neat set-up.

Narrative and Stuff
You have a few typos, especially later on, so you should do a read-through to clear those up. The story moves very quickly, so you could slow the pace a bit and add in more description. Your punctuation needs work as well, but I’ve pointed out most of the stuff I noticed. Formatting is also very important, especially online, and you need more spaces to make it more easy on the eyes. Leave a line between each paragraph and line of dialogue.


Character and Emotion
This is only the first chapter, so there doesn’t need to be huge loads of development right now, though I hope we’ll get a clearer picture of Talia and her mother later on. They’re rather bland right now. Like when Talia’s arm suddenly gets a strange tattoo and she has a weird out-of-body experience—she doesn’t get excited about it. It’s just, “Hum, dude, weird.” I get annoyed if a spot appears on my face; if a huge glowing tattoo appeared on my wrist I’d be freaking out. I almost passed out once—I was giving blood and sat up too quickly and it was really cool and weird—and that was the most exciting thing that happened all week. I told pretty much everyone about it, because how often does one almost pass out in everyday life? Not often. Collapsing and having a cool dream should evoke more emotion than, “Meh, that was unpleasant.” So basically I want more freaking out, lol. ^_^

PM or Wall me if I wasn’t clear on anything! :D

-twit




Dawnbreaker says...


No offence but what normal person would assume a person had loads of arms just because they had written a short pale arm.



Twit says...


People like me with too much time on their hands. ;) I'm not saying I thought she did have loads of arms, just that that's what it sounded like. Ambiguous prose often makes for unintentional hilarity. One time my dad was reading this book to us and it said about how the character heard "the step of a foot on the floor above" or something like that. We all knew perfectly well that the author just meant there was someone upstairs, but that didn't stop us from laughing hysterically about the one-legged man madly foxtrotting back and forth in the attic.

Speaking as one of those childish people who find stupid things funny, it always pays to be clear.



Dawnbreaker says...


But it was clear. She reached her pale arm just says that her arm is pale! Seriously!




Life is like a bag of potatoes, it starts out rough, but can turn into something beautiful (and yummy).
— Ley