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140,730 Literary Works • 673,682 Reviews
Hi
This is such an interesting concept, and you've really done it justice.
My only suggestion would be to add a little more punctuation, for instance I would've written "Carry purses, carry knives". I can see you've used minimal puctuation to show the simplicity of the narrators thoughts, and it does work well. However, I personally like things to be broken down more when I read them because it just makes it easier to say and makes your meaning clearer. Like I said, stick to the minmalistic thing, but a few comma's where appropriate wouldn't hurt. Keep in mind that that's just my opinion though!
The repetition of "Patterns and colours" is just lovely. Really simple and beautiful. This is probably the best thing I've read on YWS today, you should be very proud of this poem. Keep writing, I can't wait to read more from you.
Hi, I'm storm to review your poem.
I really can't give much criticism, just a few little nitpicks. This is really good!
Verb tenses need to be watched. For example, if you are addressing the she-wolf in the second stanza, word it like this.
"She-wolf stalk by,
Protecting your young at all times.
Patchy and so rough.
Patterns and colors,
Patterns and colors."
I put a little punctuation in it too.
"She-wolf stalks by
Protecting her young at all times..."
The rest you would leave the same, same punctuation as my first suggestion.
Anyways, I think you can adjust it slightly based on those examples. Thanks for posting, I really liked reading it. It's a really interesting concept, wonderfully executed.
--Storm