Published June 2, 2012
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Hello! I really like this poem. I feel like the style that you used really fits the message of the piece and it takes skill to correctly cover both these aspects of a piece. I have just a few comments.
Without going too much in depth, there are a few punctuation/grammar issues. I don't like to make this the focus of my reviews so I'm just going to recommend that you reread your piece carefully and pick out the errors. A tip for finding issues like this is to read your piece backwards. This way you focus more on each individual word in relation to the surrounding words.
> I think there are also some issues with the way your poem flows. You include rhymes but the effectiveness of these rhymes is undermined by the lack of continuity in terms of syllable count. For example,
"Zoning into space without any trace.
Losing jobs because i cant pick up the pace."
could be changed to
"Zoning out into space, without any trace
Losing jobs because I can't pick up the pace"
The second option flows much better because the syllable count for each line is much more even, 11:11. In terms of corresponding lines and the way they are read, keeping a consistent syllable pattern is important to flow.
Anyways, the message is very clear and very well supported, expanded and developed throughout your piece.
In conclusion, I liked this. It was a bit predictable and not remarkably unique, but I think that you expressed yourself well and it was a good representation of yourself.
Threnody
Hi again, New!
What genre of songs do you write? I can't really place it in my mind -- at least, I can't match a sort of tune to it to read it appropriately. The structure is what throws me off, which seems really silly, and I want to give a fair critique if I can! This sounded a lot like your other song, so I imagine you have something in mind anyway.
I like how that first stanza went. It flowed so very nicely. It at least read very easily, so I'm sure listening would be just as smooth.
Part of me wishes this was structured differently, but I'm probably just so used to one way, I'm not really getting it. There really isn't a chorus or bridge or anything. It's just a pile of words. They're very nice words! But they don't connect so gracefully as songs usually do.
The second verse, again, doesn't have the same structure as the first verse. The rhymes are weird and the lines are clunky.
The message itself is pretty good, and like I said, what you have here is very good. I guess I wish I saw more of a point to listen to this song. Why would I want to listen to this song again? It doesn't really tell me much of the story behind it at all. It doesn't keep my interest. Food for thought!
Finally, the ending in the second verse felt weird. The daydream line was really long, and it overall didn't satisfy me and or give what I was supposed to take from the song. At least, I didn't feel anything for the speaker. It was more of a shrug and an, "I'm sorry ADD is kicking your butt today. :/ " Which isn't ideal. xD
So hopefully that all gave some insight into what I've been expecting compared to what I'm seeing. What genre of music is this?
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thanks Jabber! I honestly think if I were to write any genre, it would be more of R.A.P, although i'm not musically talented. But i put it under the lyrical category because it sounds more like lyrics than a poem. Oh and ha ha you made me laugh by saying A.D.D. was kicking my butt, it really was that day. I had so many ideas in my head for this but once it came to writing, i went blank and kept getting distracted. I might rewrite this and make it better although it is a little weird because I've never seen someone write about A.D.D. before which is why i wanted to write about it. it is a little dark but its something i feel strong about and i want it to be real and honest no matter how weird or "dark" it sounds. But I half assed this one completely. Thank you for your honest feed back!
Spoiler
Losing jobs because I can't pick up the pace.
Procrastination, wheres my motivation?
Focus isn't there, great lack of concentration.
What do I do? I ask myself.
Can I pull through? Or do I ask for help?
How can this destroy my life so easy?
Oblivious to the obvious, I can't even be me.
I tell myself, it will go away.
But this absentmindedness wants to stay.
When people ask whats wrong with me.
This is what I want to say.
A.D.D. is ruining me.
A.D.D. is in control.
I dream of trying adderal.I have no idea what you are trying to spell here...so I cannot correct it.
So I can tell that bitch to go home. Language does not have a place in poetry
Caffeine my baby, it always saves me
Makes me who I wanna be.
It wears off again, daydream to no end.
A.D.D. is ruining me.
Anything in the spoiler above that is in bold has been corrected.
Now....I have to tell you honestly that I do not like this. Its jerky, it rhymes just too much for me. And each line is a different length, pace, and all of them are jerky.
Please, you have potential. But you need to work on it.
This is just my honest opinion.
Keep writing.
NHNT
Hmmm...I have to say first that I do like this...in an odd kind of way.
Let me explain,
In the first stanza your use of language is fantastic. The rhymes are also fantastic, but for me, it just doesn't flow. Reading it back to myself, it's a little jerky - however, this may be how you intended it?
Couple of little puncuation errors - for instance, you've used a lower case 'i' instead of uppercase when talking in first person and in the second to last line of the first stanza, it should be a 'what's' with that apostrophe in there.
Second stanza I also like and in an odd way, it does fit with the first, even though all the lines are shorter, etc.
All in all, I find myself liking this, even though it is not the usual sort of poety I'd go for. I would usually stay clear of words like 'bitch' and 'wanna' in any prose/poetry, but it works in your poem, in an odd sort of way!