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Young Writers Society



His Majesty's Assassin (working on the title)

by Caesar


Chapter One

The courthouse double-doors swung open silently.

Though the sun shined merrily in the cloudless blue sky, a pall of deathly silence hung above Court Square. The stalls and open-air shops that dotted the plaza, usually crowded and merry, bustling with activity, were closed, the windows of the wood-and-stone houses overlooking the square barred, gaping holes into nothingness.

The few people that were still left bent their heads down and shuffled further away from the mahogany doors as if they were the maw of hell, feet scuffing the red bricks.

They murmured amongst themselves, anticipation crackling from person to person like static.

Then, a black clad figure strode through the entrance, pale hand resting on the pommel of his sword, hanging from the belt at his hip.

He stopped at the first of the wide, shallow steps that led up to the house and surveyed the scene in front of him, coal eyes calculating and analytical behind his cowl.

After a few seconds, a lone old woman, dressed in a shabby grey dress, stumbled forward from the shadow of the marble fountain in the center of the square, watery green eyes hesitant and afraid.

"My granddaughter," she rasped, half kneeling before the youth. "What happened to her? Where's my Emma?"

"Your granddaughter was judged and found guilty." The youth's voice was cold and stripped of all emotion - it was a voice that could issue death sentences impassively, that would carry out any orders given.

"No! Not my Emma!" The woman inched closer, eyes downcast. She tentatively reached out a trembling hand, a plaintive beg.

"Enough - out of my way." The youth tightened his grip on his sword.

"Please, you must do something," pleaded the old woman.

"This is your last warning, old crone," admonished the youth. He was getting tired of this - he had a job to do, and this wretch of a person was in his way.

The old woman looked up, and faltered when he saw those eyes, pitiless black holes above an aquiline nose. Eyes that didn't forgive, cruel eyes. Eyes that intended every threat they issued and issued them often.

"Please," she repeated, hoarsely. "There must be a mistake, my Emma would never -"

The youth's pale lips curled in a rare display of displeasure.

His sword flashed, blade black against the sun…

… And the woman's head flew back, blood spilling everywhere, staining the youth's cape and face.

Silence.

Then, a single scream rent the air.

A second woman, in her late thirties but much like the corpse that lay haphazardly on the stairs, charged forwards, eyes furious with hatred and sorrow.

"You bastard!" she screamed. "You heartless monster!"

Raising a fist, she moved as if to strike - and froze.

Eyes bulging, she painfully bent her hands to her heart, breath coming out in ragged gasps.

"Woman," the youth spat. "Don't you dare even think of attacking me. I am Zane, His Majesty's Assassin"

"So…so young," the woman coughed. "So young… to be in thrall of His Majesty's words. Empty words, traitorous words. They'll twist your mind around." She managed to sneer despite the blood being drained from her face. "But I see you're already too deeply lost in lies" Then she cried out in pain.

Zane's hand had closed to a fist, the other still clutched the pommel of his sword, which was glowing.

You will not speak out against His Majesty," Zane said, voice deadly quiet. "You will not insult His Majesty. I shall say this once."

The woman managed another hacking laugh.

"So deluded."

The laugh became a gurgle, and Zane dashed the woman against the stone steps, headfirst.

Without looking back, Zane strode forward, people flinching in terror as he passed, and bent by the fountain.

He flipped his hood back, revealing a mass of untidy white hair framing handsome -albeit in an angular way- features, and washed his face clean. After all, if he had to kill Alice, he'd have the decency to look presentable.



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Sun May 25, 2014 8:15 am
BellaRoma wrote a review...



Cool! Your main character was great and described in minute detail (in terms of attitude especially) I think this really brings him to life and readers can easily sort of picture him. This may sound weird but I love the fact that he also seems pure evil. Most of the time we think of the main character as the hero but this doesn't appear to be the case.
I don't know if later on he has a change of heart but the potential for that keeps the plot interesting. I can't wait to find out about Alice and why he has decided to kill her.
Hope to see more of this




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Tue Jul 10, 2012 3:20 pm
Lothbrok wrote a review...



This seems like a really solid beginning to what looks like an interesting story.
The charactisation is good do far with Zane looking like a could end up being a strong despicable character. Though "youth" seemed a tad overused to me, surely there is some other way he could have been described.
Dashes seem a bit overused or could be replaced by other pieces of punctuation.
And as a minor nitpick Zane holds his sword by the pommel after using it, though I'm assuming he was meant to have sheathed it, though there was no mention of it.
Despite all this I thought it was a very strong piece and look forward to the next installments.




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Fri Jun 22, 2012 5:12 pm
AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Helo Illuminist. This piece is excellent. I really liked everything in it. It was very interesting (although it gave me shivers.) But it is really good. Even though it is short, I find it very good and catching. I really would like to continue reading it.

The only bad things that I saw about it were the dashes, most of which I think could have been replaced by points or commas. Otherwise, I found no mistakes and would really like to know more about 'His Majesty's Assassin'.

Keep up the good work!
-Alfonso




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Wed Apr 25, 2012 4:46 am
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hey there, Lume!
I'm here to do this review for you, sorry it took me some time to get here.
Firstly, I just have a few nitpicks that I want to get out of the way first so bare with me. ^^

“This is your last warning, old crone,” admonished the youth.

I don’t think admonish is the right word to use with this. The ‘youth’ comes off very cold and remote so for him to admonish the old woman is weird because admonishing means to rebuke or advise someone earnestly and he doesn’t seem to really care about anyone so why be earnest?

Then, a single scream rent the air.

*Rented? Past tense.

raising a fist, she moved as if to strike - an froze.

You use a lot of dashes in your writing. Instead of using them, try to use just commas, they work just as great and honestly, dashes just force the dramatic intentions and sometimes it just backfires so be careful when using them and half the time, they don’t really match the flow and cause unnecessary breaks in the writing. Also, I think you mean *and froze. Lawl. :3

-----


One thing I would like to mention here is that I think you seem to have a formula for writing your description. Here are a few examples:

“The few people that were still left bent their head down and shuffled further away from the mahogany doors as if they were the maw of hell, feet scuffing the red bricks”

And

“…Surveyed the scene in front of him, coal eyes calculating and analytical behind his cowl.”

And

“…Marble fountain in the center of the square, water green eyes hesitant and afraid.”

Etc.

You know what the connection here is, right? They all start off one way and end with a comma followed by a short description of what they do/did. Sentence variation in novels is important, without it, your readers will feel like they’re reading the same thing over again even though it’s different. There will be a voice in the back of their heads that tell them they’ve heard this before.

Another thing I want to say is that you should try to make this chapter longer. He pretty much kills around three people here, right? Or kills two and causing another major head trauma. Anyway, there seems to be a lot going on with just his introduction and I would love to see more emotion and back-thought to this. Try to get into his head a little, give us a tease of what makes him…so evil? Speaking of the evil, maybe you could tone him down a bit? I understand you want people to quake under his tyranny but if you make him come off as one of those people who kill because they get easily irritated and bored, then that person isn’t really ‘evil or cruel’ they’re just insane. What if the king makes an unreasonable request that he doesn’t like? Would he chop off his head too? D:
I don’t think so. These bad guys need a set of rules too, a set of morals or a code that they follow so they know why and when they’ll take a life and maybe…just maybe if the other person tips them over the edge on a bad day, they’ll get what’s coming.

Overall though, the ending left me quite interested. I want to know who Alice is and why Zane wants to kill her now, so you accomplished getting my attention. ^^

I’m sorry it took me a while to get to this review. I’ve been a bit slow getting these things done lately. Drop me a comment on my wall if you have questions or need some help. I’ll be more than happy to lend a hand.

All the best,
-Pink




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Sat Apr 21, 2012 3:22 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote a review...



Yeah, this was pretty interesting. You seem to have a really good idea who your characters are and what they look like. And I've always been a fan of the medieval/fantasy genre.

A few points, though. First, I didn't really like how you kept referring to that guy as 'the youth'. It's a really vague term. At first I was picturing him as more of a young adult, but now I get the impression he is more like a 14 year old or something. I would suggest simply calling him by his name, Zane, or maybe 'the boy'. To me, 'the youth' leaves a pretty vague picture in my head.

Also, it seems a little odd that these women would come up to Zane and try arguing with him. It seems like he's well known around the town as an assassin so I would have thought these women would've been a little smarter or valued their lives more. It felt like they were really asking to get killed x)

Hope the review helped a little, if you write any more chapters and need those reviewed too, just leave me a message x)




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Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:34 am
worldly says...



Yeah, it was a little too short to really draw me in but that can be rectified with a second chapter. You paced every sentence and set the tone expertly! So many questions, though that's to be expected from a first chapter I suppose. Keep it up!






It shall be so



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Sat Apr 21, 2012 9:48 am
Caesar says...



This is rather short, I'll admit it





"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi