Published February 18, 2012
Chapter 1:
My name is Xero. Yes, it is like Zero, spelled with an X. Usually, I wouldn't tell the story. But I need help. See, I am having troubles with a certain group of people. They are called the Terrors. What is terror, you might ask. Basically, a terror is a person clinically insane that broke out of the asylum to raid everything else. Or something like that. I don't exactly know what they are up to. Well, I didn't know. Till I met them. Her name, ironically, is Terro. Pronounced "Tearo", but spelled Terro. Right now, she is following me through the store. I feel her watching me, gazing at me. I am scared to be honest.
"Do I know you?" She asks, stopping my cart.
"N-n-no, I, uh, don-don't think I, uh, know you." I stammer, looking away.
"Hhm, are you sure? Cause you look oddly familliar."
"Y-e-es. I am sure."
"Are you Dexa?"
"No."
"Cherr?"
"Cherr?"
"I guess not. Hey, do you want to get to know me? I am very fun and very exciting!" She pulls a package of meat from my cart, tearing a small hole in it, and drinking the blood.
I shiver a little. She's insane. Completely, utterly, entirely insane. She pulls an old pocket watch from her pocket and looks at it, then sighs.
"So sad, dearie, but I must make haste and leave. Promise you'll be back tomorrow?" She asks.
"Uuh.." I stammer.
"You don't and I'll hunt you down."
My eyes widen, and I nod. She smiles, giggles, kisses my cheek and leaves. I shiver again and run home from the store, my cart still full. A burn mark from her kiss is on my cheek. Now if I don't go see her I will die. That's how they get their kicks. Torture. They touch you in some way, leaving their mark. And if you don't fulfill your part, you either burn, rot, get eaten, or some other oddity. I run to my bathroom and try to scrub the mark off with my thumb. All I do is make my skin bleed trying to get it off. I take an ice pack from the fridge and try using that. The mark burns through the pack. She will burn me. I hear burning is one of the most unpleasant forms of torture they have. I shiver yet again, then lay down on my bed. Soon I hear my door open. It's Clant, my husband. He comes into the room and sits next to me.
"Hey sweetheart." He says gently.
I don't reply. Instead I try not to cry. He strokes my good cheek gently, whiping some of my red hair off my face. He places a hand on my hip, the way he does when he knows something bad is up.
"Come on, babe." He says.
I sit up and look at him. He notices the kiss mark, and his eyes widen with horror.
He begins to shake his head no. Like he knows what it's like to be obligated to have to go see one of these people. I'm almost mad at his reaction. I expect him to be strong and big and here for me, but, no, he has to freak out on me. I'm the one that will be burned in a fire hotter than the theoriesed Hell if I don't go see this chick.
"Baby, I am so sorry. I hope that you can survive." He says sadly.
I begin to cry, and he pulls me in close, letting me cry on his chest. His strong, protective arms wrap around my shaking body. My tininess against his strong, firm body feels so good, I don't want to leave ever. He looks down at me, kissing my hair. Soon, I fall asleep in his embrace.
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Wow, this piece is really old and really needs another review. I wonder how it didn't show up.
Ok, this piece is surprisingly short. I did see some missed spaces.
Her husband isn't very nice or loving if he is going to leave her up against this monster, aka terror. I guess that's what happens when you have to go shopping when one of them is around.
Keep writing!
~lost
This piece is really short. It's also kinda awkward and I end up confused, because at the beginning of the story the main character seems like a man. You need more description such as the smell, taste, the drive on the way home (perhaps you almost crash into an SUV) Little details make the story, and I want to read bigger chapters. I want to feel it. I want to know what the Terror looks like, and how frightening she is to you. (Maybe sweat beads your forhead or the Terror mentions how loud your heart pounds) We need more unusual details about them. The way they dress or look. The wa your husband dresses or looks or if he's tired or lively. Instead of ""Baby, I am so sorry. I hope that you survive," He says sadly," You could write, "*Character's name here* I am so sorry. I wasn't there for you. You will survive. I promise. I'll protect you with everything I have," He said, with such intensity that I had to smile through the flowing tears. Just keep it up with he description. Description makes it longer. Overall it was okay, though.
Uuh...Thanks. I am glad for the feedback. I will..I will try them.