Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


by MasterGrieves

Talk to me mirror.
What do you want?
Who do you require?
Should I forget?
Layered in regret?
Is it for better?
Or for decay?
These fruits lay bare
Onto my heart.

This is a confession.
I must get it off my chest.
Inner conflict building.
Scapegoat searching 101.
A man hanging from a tree.
Fractional disilation.
That man's going to be me
If this depression gets too much.
And even now I'm shook.

The girl.
She kissed me.
Her saliva on my cheek.
That same saliva
Will come into contact
With poisonous solution.
By the tracks.
Never came back.
Where is she now?
I don't know.

The burden in her mind.
What could it have been?
Isolation, loss, heartbreak?
Must I wane these suggestions
For the intention of fait?.

The sky is prettiest
When God answers no prayers.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:43 pm
Kale wrote a review...

Hello there, 567ajt. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3

Should I forget?
Layered in regret?

Ouch. These lines. They feel like a forced rhyme. Which makes no sense because the rest of this stanza doesn't rhyme. Which makes these lines a double ouch.

Fractional disilation.

"Distillation" has two "L"s.

Must I wane these suggestions
For the intention of fait?.

Um... what? I'm not sure what you were trying to say with these lines, as they don't make sense.

The sky is prettiest
When God answers no prayers.

Now, while these lines are nice and interesting and I like them by themselves, I'm wondering how they tie into the rest of the piece. Right now, I'm not seeing a connection, and so I'm left wondering why they're even here at the end of the poem in the first place.

Now, one thing about this piece that I don't understand is why almost every single line ends in punctuation, and why you have so many fragments. The fragments in particular puzzle me as they confuse the piece more than support it, and so I'd recommend weeding out some of them, and stringing others together into more coherent units.

As it stands though, I'm not sure what the focus or main point of this poem is. There's a lot of ideas scattered throughout it, and no focus to them. If you could focus this piece, it would be stronger.

User avatar
22 Reviews

Points: 365
Reviews: 22

Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:05 am
demib says...

You are a good writer. I like your style, very well in my sense political. Keep writin man.

User avatar
52 Reviews

Points: 447
Reviews: 52

Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:37 pm
View Likes
emoticon220 says...

"The sky is most prettiest"

Most pretty or prettiest...

Beautiful, kiddo. I expect nothing less. You know that ;)

You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda