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For Hearts and Clocks

by AuroraThorne


Slowly, ever painfully slowly the clock ticked. It never stopped. It just kept going. Always, and forever. But it had a reason to keep going, right? If it didn't why did it go?

But why did it keep going?

Did it mean to taunt?

Does it mean to break the silence?

I stared up at the ceiling. Still blank, still white. The birds sang outside. It was just too normal.

What was the point? Why did every thing look so calm?

So peaceful?

So…so normal

The world wasn't ok.

I didn't think it would ever be ok.

Wars wouldn't stop.

People wouldn't stop dying.

We couldn't deny what fate had.

But what if the clock stopped. You know just gave up. Like humans. What if it died?

I smiled bitterly.

The clock would always be different

Unlike humans, a clock could be restarted.

Fixed.

Brought back to life.

Not like us.

When we die. We can't fix what happened to us.

We don't get fixed.

Or brought back to life.

We can't be restarted.

We're just gone.

But unlike the clock, we had choices.

The clock can only tell time.

We can do things.

Move.

Watch.

Laugh.

Play.
Love.

I guess clocks and humans can be the same. But different. Like that one strand of DNA. That's all it took.

Oh the irony.

Won't you agree.

After all your heart is a clock.


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376 Reviews


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:09 pm
Trident wrote a review...



Hi AuroraThorne, a few of my thoughts here:

Slowly, ever painfully slowly the clock ticked. It never stopped. It just kept going. Always, and forever. But it had a reason to keep going, right? If it didn't why did it go?


This is just...been done to death. This Poe-like poetry can be really wonderful, but it absolutely needs one thing to be especially present: originality. This first line lacks that completely. It has been said a million times before.

But why did it keep going?

Did it mean to taunt?

Does it mean to break the silence?

I stared up at the ceiling. Still blank, still white. The birds sang outside. It was just too normal.

What was the point? Why did every thing look so calm?

So peaceful?


The interrogative can be effective and I employ the technique often, so don't be afraid of it. But you have to be careful here. If you get into this habit of asking, asking, asking, it tires the reader to no end. Because they (on instinct) try to answer the questions and in each of these cases you are pausing the flow. It verges on distraction rather quickly.

Saying a lot, giving a little

There are many ways to add a lot of words to a poem, but not every word that is added to a poem adds to the poem's spirit. When you have so much abstraction, we as readers tend to gloss over everything. Why? Because we have read it all before. Imagine reading the same paragraph over and over for a day. After a while, you wouldn't be reading it and thinking about it, you would simply be reciting it. This is what we do in our lives with abstract ideas. You read the word "love" and know what it means, but you don't really think in depth about it unless you have some reason to. And that is why imagery is so lovely in potery.

We can do things.

Move.

Watch.

Laugh.

Play.
Love.


Just no. It's like some terrible advert for adult diapers. And they purposely use this type of language because it is so meaningless. Makes you think about meaningless ideas instead the horror of changing an adult diaper.

I guess clocks and humans can be the same. But different. Like that one strand of DNA. That's all it took.

Oh the irony.

Won't you agree.

After all your heart is a clock.


You're trying here, but the metaphor isn't quite original or interesting. It's lacking a real soul, so again I gloss over the idea. It isn't quite doing anything for me. And the format feels rather old-fashioned.

I am being harsh, sorry, and there are redeeming parts, but I feel this is one of those poems that needs a huge rewrite.




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:52 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello again, AuroraThorne. As I mentioned before on my previous review, in the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3

You seem to really like centering your poems from these two that I've seen, and while your selective centering worked quite nicely in the poem I just reviewed earlier, I'm not so sure centering the text works with this one. You have such short lines, and having them in the center results in there being a whole lot of blinding white space surrounding a whole bunch of your lines, which is visually quite distracting.

Did it mean to taunt?
Does it mean to break the silence?

You have a tense shift here. Watch your tenses, especially later on in the poem. Inconsistent tenses can be very confusing for your readers, and it messes with the timeline of events in the piece.

The world wasn't ok.

It's either "okay", or "OK".

Overall, I'm wondering what it is about this piece that makes it a poem, aside from the line breaks. It's all so very literal, and there's so very few images. It reads more like musings broken up into lines and called a poem rather than something written to be a poem.

This piece has the potential to become a very interesting poem, but it would need a lot of reworking and refining to reach that point. A bit more narrowed focus, less rambling (especially in the beginning), and stronger and more images. As it currently stands though, I think this would be more successful as a short reflection piece instead of as a poem.





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