Published February 3, 2012
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137,419 Literary Works • 672,008 Reviews
Hello there, greg925. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3
First things first, why is every line ended with a period? It makes this piece read very choppily overall as the period in concert with the line breaks breaks the connection of ideas within each stanza, and so all the ideas feel fragmented and fragmentary.
While such fragmentation can be used to great effect to reinforce the theme of a piece, I'm just not seeing such a theme here, and so the periods at the end of every line feel more like you thought maybe that the end of every line in a poem had to end with a piece of punctuation.
In any case, I'd strongly recommend killing off some of those periods as they really do break up the flow of ideas within the stanzas.
Another thing that made me wonder what you were doing were the line lengths. They feel a bit arbitrary at the moment, like you tried to put whole sentences on each line, except when you couldn't. It looks strange, and I don't see the reasons why this piece has such odd line lengths.
Basically, overall, I don't see your reasons for doing what you've done with this poem structurally-speaking, and it's really puzzling and distracting from the piece.