Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Literature

The woman

by dolwright

I am a Woman,
Bound by the intricacies of my youth
Vassal of man's irateness
Emblem of purity, fineness and fairness
Convoluted, yet modest
In solipsism and silent melancholy
This is the woman's life.

Cattleya, the gracious orchid
A woman,
To be admired,
But never to be understood.
A woman,
The lesser man.
A woman,
At best, a contradiction still.

I am a woman,
Empowered with a voice
My words are as soothing as the waters
Weaker vessels, we are called
But the strength of many men lies within our loins.

Lolita, as graceful as a deer
Your charm and subtleness has exceled
Where many men failed
Man's avowal is only transient.

Oh! woman, lovely woman,
The hands that rocks the cradle is blessed
Woman of Africa, what are you not?
A mother, a sister,a daughter and a wife.
The travails of day and night.
Your exertion is not in vain
The end product of her labor- --man.

A new type of  woman arises,
With the torch of beauty in one hand
And the sword of audacity on the other
Pioneers of a fearless generation
The lifewire of the future
Inexplicable, Inextirpable replica of divinity
Virtous virtuosos
More than mere resections of man's intrepid frame.

Awake!, o ye daughters of Africa,
Awake sister!, slumber no more
Distinguish yourselves
Show forth to the world
That ye are endowed
With noble and exalted faculties.
I am a woman,
And I am pleased to be.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:11 pm
View Likes
Kale wrote a review...

Hello there, dolwright. In the name of the Knights of the Green Room and our Most Sacred and Tireless Quest to ensure that no works go unreviewed in the realm of the Literary Area, here I have come to free your long unreviewed piece from its state of reviewlessness on this fine Review Day. I hope you don’t mind. :3

First things first: the subject. I like the subject of this poem, and I particularly liked your message, however, the structure of the poem on a whole really doesn't lend itself to making your message as powerful as it could (and should) be. One of the most noticeable aspects of this is the word choice. Right now, your vocabulary is more alienating than approachable, and the use of words like "solipsism" and "inextirpable" make the piece quite formidable a task to read, even when one does know the meanings.

You also don't really have much by the way of imagery in this, which makes this feel rather like a not-poem, in addition to making it less fun to read, for lack of a better word. Instead, this feels more like an intimidating block of text broken up to appear like a poem.

Right now, overall, this piece feels bloated to me, especially with regards to your word choice. It feels like you went for big and impressive over accessible and relatable, and doing so has resulted in a piece that's too intimidating and trying too hard to appear intelligent. I would strongly recommend weeding out the more complex words and seeing if there are more common, but no less accurate, terms that you could use. I would also recommend condensing the stanzas and ideas within this a bit more. You spend a lot of wordage on basic ideas, which results in those ideas feeling weak and bloated. Try and refine your language to the point where it is still accessible, but is razor precise so that it carves that image into the mind of your readers.

One last thing: you suddenly mention Africa near the end, which seemed a bit odd to me as there are no references to Africa or anything Africa-related. If you're hinging on the out-of-Africa theory, then you'll need to allude to it earlier in the poem, so that the whole daughters of Africa thing doesn't come out of nowhere.

I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
— Chandler Bing