Outfoxed ch. 1

Hello there Stori! Dogs here with your review as requested. Ok, in reference to your previous question about how to make Bax clearer that he's an otter, I have a couple of ideas after reading this piece. Than I'll get into the review. When he's out and notices all the otters around the pub, you could say something along the lines of: "Bax noticed a few other fellow otters, but none payed any attentions to his silent pleas." Something on the lines of that if you wanted to stick with just hurling the reader into your writing at the beginning.

Or, more effectively, you could start with a stronger beginning/introduction that sets up a scene for the reader to follow. That is a weak point I noticed in this piece, you could describe the setting and scenery around the group and create a picture for the reader to follow along with. In the description you could say something along the lines of: "Bax, an otter, trembled timorously as he... (insert creative and innovative description here)." Ya get the point. Also do otters have paws? I thought they were more a flipper sort of animal but I could be wrong. Do a little more research on that to clear up confusion.

So those are my two general suggestions as to how to make it clearer that Bax is an otter, now on to the review. Other than the imagery point that I already made (which is a large prominent issue that definitely needs fixing) another problem you have is that this piece is a little rushed. Also, building off of other comments, you throw the reader into the middle of a scene, often that approach is effective for starting a novel, but in this case it leaves too many un answered questions and far too many characters that immediately get mixed up. You can solve that issue with an intro that describes the scenery a little more and some of the characters If not than spend some more description on these characters when they appear in your writing.

"four months' rations surely weren't worth his life..."

This sentence doesn't make much sense to me. You need to clarify this a little more so it gives the reader some information to hang on to. Which is essential because you've thrown us into a middle of the scene with no lead up so we need some clear small bits of information to give us a sense of what's happening. If you don't want to reveal what transgression Bax made, just re word this line so it makes more sense.

"Huh. You're too soft on 'em..."

Nice, I like this line. Except for the "huh," it seems a little out of place, and if Staj was questioning what her comrade had said, than there should be a question mark after "huh." Or just cut it out.

"wait-' he clamped his jaw shut."

I'm a little confuzzled here, why did Bax clamp his jaw shut? It would seem logical that he'd clamp his jaw if he got a cold stare from one of his captors. Or from them dragging him to tow. Whatever that is. You need to explain what a tow is, I'm imagining it's some sort of cable to hook him up to and then they ride off in a wagon? That's just a total shot in the dark because you don't leave the reader with much information in that regard.

"Why did you do it?"

Who is saying this line? Again just needing to add some more info for the reader to hold on to.

"as if you really cared fox"

Who is saying this line? My immediage response would be Golda but that can't be right because the person who said it is glaring at Golda. It can't be Staj because that's a girl. And the guy who says the dialogue before this couldn't be Golda as I had thought it was because apparently maybe "fox" said that previous line? He comes out of nowhere without you introducing the reader to this character.

"Hey ven- didn't you expect to be licking this coward's feet"

I'm incredibly confused by this line because, again, I have no idea who is saying it. Also who the Ven? And why would Ven be licking the coward's feet...? That entire concept seems odd to me considering Bax is in captivity, so why would anyone be licking his feet?

And than you move into Staj taking the weapons of her comrades (doesn't make any sense to me as to why), and than she gives a sward to Bax? Why, what is her motivation to be doing any of these actions after she was so keen on not letting Bax go. I think this is a good ending for a first chapter, but you need to flesh this out considerably. There are so many missing details that it's leaving the reader confused. I love the idea of this piece, but it need a tad bit more than the dialogue and the small descriptions that go with them. I hope my review helped, as always let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh

I agree that there are too many names being thrown around, and I'm kind of confused who is who. As well, I feel as though the dialog is choppy and the piece lacks details. It also just seems kind of off-beat, but other than that I think it's fine...

(sorry, I suck at reviews.)

Okay, I read the second chapter first and then this one, and I'm still confused. You're throwing way too many names and breeds at us. I have no idea who's who. Maybe add a bit more detail about them, or tell a little bit more about what's going on. Even though I'm completely confused, I like it. It's hooked me. PM me if you edit it dramatically or write another chapter.
-tgirly

Hey Stori!

I'm a big fan of Anthropomorphic fiction, so I'm excited to see where this goes. If this is chapter one Then you're off to a good start, getting right into the action. I would however like to know what Bax is. It was mentioned that he was a" Kit" but there are a few animals that call their young that. It would help clarify things, since we know that Slaj and Golda are foxes and there were otters mentioned. The first hint that we get that Bax isn't a fox is that the end, when he uses the word almost like an insult.

A Little more setting would be helpful too. We know Bax has stolen a sword and there are rations involved which make me think he was in a prison, but then the one fox calls out to someone coming out of a bar, so it's hard to tell where he is. Are the fox guards of some sort? or does everyone walk around in armour?
There is just a few details that would make the narrative a little more smooth, so that the reader doesn't have to stop and think about what they just read. does that make sense?

Anyway I'm interested. Definatly let me know when the next part is up, yeah?

Seems interesting so far...
And for nitpicking:

Bax looked into the trooper’s helmeted face

bare-headed—a young vixen who stood with eyes downcast.

“Wait”- he clamped his jaw shut

There were few otters about. Bax appealed silently to them- no luck.