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The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 2

by HarryHardy


Chapter 2

In Which our Heroes Heroically Snooze

The sky was lighting up in the east. The cobblestones were cracked. Pieces of them dug into her arms. There was a metallic taste in her mouth. Evelyn Taylor breathed out slowly, wincing at the flash of pain in her side. She sat up, head pounding, and spat. The unconscious forms of the seller’s people were piled up against the wall. Staggering to her feet, she limped to the gate, cursing the pink lady with every step. She scanned the deserted street, and closed the gate. She made her way to the stairs, muttering a few detection spells as she did so, in between bouts of painful coughing. They’re gone. She sat on the steps,wincing as the her side felt like it was being pierced by several hot needles. She surveyed the destroyed courtyard. The ancient walls had taken a beating, spellfire leaving numerous scorch marks. Most of the cobblestones were cracked and large mounds of earth were piled up in places. Stupid dirt man. Never seen him before. Must be new to the scene. She winced as her side flared up again. The rudimentary healing spell on her burst lung wasn't very effective. She would have to get a proper doctor to look at it. Stupid lady. And pink. Honestly, of all the colors. Freaking hot pink. Wait till I get my hands on her. She noticed the unconscious bodies of both her men and the others. Idiots. Not a single brain cell between them. Let them wake up. Someone better have answers.

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Harry appeared in a swirl of blue light in the emergency section of the med bay. He paid no attention to the plain white walls as he made his way towards the beds. The doctor on call, Jenna, rushed towards them gesturing at the nearest bed. Harry gently laid Rose down on it while Jenna shouted at someone to bring a blood replenisher and some cleaning fluid.

Jenna waved her hands over Rose in an intricate pattern and a bright golden light passed through her body, flaring red in several places, as the diagnostic spell detected several minor scrapes and bruises. It, much to their relief, did not show any internal damage. She'd only been hit with a simple slashing spell. 

Harry stood at the foot of the bed. He barely noticed the briefcase clutched in his arms. He'd managed to grab the one that Rose was standing next to. Dirt king had gotten the other one. Please be okay. Why am I so terrified even after all these years?

"I suppose it would be futile to tell you to go ahead and report in?" asked Jenna as she waited for the nurse to bring the medical supplies.

"The boss can wait. I'm not leaving till I know she's okay."

Harry sat down heavily on the adjacent bed as a nurse brought in a red vial containing the blood replenisher and the orange bottle of cleaner. The nurse turned to Harry but guessing that she wanted to run a diagnostic,he waved her away. I know I’m injured. Fell down twice. Jellyfish and that maneuver. Not important. She’s the important one. I’m not going to distract the nurse from her.

He looked to the still unconscious form of Rose. Must be the severe blood loss. Jenna spelled the potion straight into her bloodstream and the blood replenisher began its work. She checked her vitals and once she was sure they were stable, she set about cleaning the wound and sealing it leaving only a small gash. 

"Mr. Danvers, that's one heck of a slashing spell. From someone with serious power. She's quite lucky her ribs survived," commented Jenna,“ but if my readings are correct your partner should be fine in a couple of hours. She’ll need to have it bandaged for a couple of days and she might have a bit of a scar but I see no lasting problems.” Harry nodded. She's going to be fine. Just a couple of hours.

He gripped the handle of the briefcase tighter. He glanced at the case. It looked so innocent. You had better be worth all this. Damn treasure hunt. He absently fiddled with his communicator. Should I call Johnson? Naa, he'd understand. Wouldn't be the first time this happened. 

The doctor finished her work as she poured more of the dark orange cleaner into the gash. It started to steam as it disinfected the wound. She wrapped Rose’s chest in a bandage before gesturing for Harry to move away. She conjured a privacy screen so that she could change Rose out of her bloodied jeans and blouse and into a pair of navy blue hospital overalls. She soon dispelled the privacy screen and turned towards Harry after running another diagnostic.

“She’ll be fine Mr. Danvers. Give her an hour and a half or at most two and she’ll be awake. You’ve seen her get through far worse. So cheer up. Go give your report.”

“I’m not going to leave till she’s awake,” said Harry in a quiet but firm voice," Not till she's awake."

Jenna nodded knowing from experience that he wasn’t going to be persuaded to leave.

"Honestly the two of you. Ever since Acktobrys. Now can I at least fix you up?" she asked," You don't look like you're unscathed."

Harry grunted out a yes and she muttered another general diagnostic. Several healing spells followed and soon all the little scrapes he'd acquired were dealt with. She left the two of them and headed back to her station.

Harry got up from the bed and grabbed a nearby chair before sitting next to Rose’s bed. He studied her sleeping form. Her red hair that stood out from a mile away was in a halo around her face. Her electric blue eyes identical to his own were closed. She seemed at peace. He let out a long sigh. Going to have to wait it out. Oh this is torture. Seven years of seeing the same thing happen and you'd think you get used to it. The perils of having a partner be your best friend. He smiled as several images ran through his head. Making himself as comfortable as he could on the hard plastic chair, he settled down to wait.

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Terry Clarke appeared in his house, startling his cat who proceeded to hiss angrily at him for disturbing her nap. He walked up to her, giving the cat a scratch behind the ear to placate her. She nudged his leg and moved into the small kitchenette. 

Plenty of time to do a bug sweep later. Dropping the briefcase he'd snatched earlier on the table, he went to the kitchen and, predictably, found the cat scratching the cupboard. 

"You want food now, come on Bunny. I just got home," complained Terry as he set about giving her some food. Leaving her to it he walked back into his living room. 

Throwing his black hoodie into a corner, Terry collapsed onto the couch. Staring at the ceiling, he stretched, yawning. Bug sweep. Plenty of time. Just a few minutes. With that in mind, he dozed off. 

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Rose slowly drifted into consciousness. She could smell the strong odor of disinfectant. Opening her eyes slowly, she saw a white ceiling. The med bay. She was momentarily confused, as she tried to divine why she was there. Then it all came flooding back. Stakeout. The Prince of Dirt. Dropping the Green Lady. Pain. Her hand instinctively moved to her chest. The pain was a dull throb now. Her hand touched something rough. Bandage. Oh Crap. I guess I got back. So Harry must be..  She turned.

Harry was sleeping on a chair he’d pulled up next to her bed. His dark black hair was messy, like he’d just run through a tornado. Probably because he did run through one. He hadn’t changed out of his outfit since the mission and was still clad in his faded blue jeans and sleeveless blue hoodie. The only person I know that prefers to be sleeveless in a fight. She traveled a few blocks down memory lane remembering the times she'd woken up like this during the past few years. Way too many times. And that's not counting the countless times our positions had been reversed. As she watched he woke up having heard her stir.

“Hey, Sleepyhead, you stink. Didn’t bother to take a shower?” she asked.

“Morning, Rose. Uhh… kinda forgot that. I wanted to make sure you were okay first. That was a pretty serious looking cut," he said rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“It definitely felt serious but it’s fine now. Just a minor inconvenience. How are you?”

“Fine, just a few cuts and bruises, all healed up.”

“Hmm... surprising considering you fell twenty feet that one time.”

“Well, it was a controlled descent, not a fall.”

Rose rolled her eyes. “Keep telling yourself that everytime you pull that move.” 

"It's true," he said pouting slightly.

"Jeez, don't pout."

"I'll have you know that I do not pout."

“Didn’t report that to Johnson yet?” asked Rose noticing the briefcase.

“No, I wasn’t going anywhere till you woke up.”

“You dolt. Now he’s going to be mad at us for being late to report to him.”

“Nah. He’d have guessed by now that one of us got injured.”

“Well, you are incorrigible.”

“Hey, you do the same thing every time I get hurt,” he said. She just smiled in response. She sat up slowly with Harry's help and shakily swung her legs to the side of the bed so that she was now sitting facing him.

She took a deep breath and assessed herself. Legs, not shaky. Hands, fine. Chest, minor pain but fine. Dizziness. Absent. Nausea. Nope.

“Are you okay?” asked Harry. “Not feeling dizzy or anything right?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Now let’s go give our report before the boss man gets impatient," said Rose getting up slowly.

Harry puffed out his chest. “He cannot possibly get mad at his best agents,” he said in a pompous voice.

"I hate that voice. You sound far too much like a ponce," she said once they'd stopped laughing.

"Very funny, Now can you walk on your own."

"I'll be fine. Come on."

They both set off to find their boss.

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Evelyn was severely pissed off. She had her men holding the four others against the wall while the man who'd brought the briefcase was currently levitated in the air gasping for breath.

"I'll ask you one more time. Who is tracking you? And what do you know about who attacked us?"

"I told you. I...I kn...know nothing. Let us g...go. We're only supp...pp...posed to deliver the goods. We don't even know what's in the damn c...ca...case," replied the man.

Damn right you don't know. As if idiots like you should be informed of those things. Evelyn made a fist squeezing him with the air.

"Looks like you're not going to spill. Too bad for you." She raised her hand and a crackling whip of green electricity formed in her hands. Time for the old fashioned way.

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Harry and Rose knocked on the nondescript steel door. The metal plaque on the door read ‘Commander Johnson’

“Come in,” said a deep voice and they opened the door and walked in. Harry plonked the briefcase on the desk that Commander Johnson was sitting behind and stood in front of the desk. Johnson gestured towards the two seats in front of the desk and the two of them sat down.

“Well, I see why the report is late,” began Johnson as he noticed the bandage wrapping around Rose.

“Yeah, Sorry about that,sir,” replied Harry.

“Nothing to worry about. It's understandable. So let’s move onto the report then. Start from the beginning.”

“Well, we went to the location two hours ahead of the scheduled time as planned. Checked the area. No wards were up whatsoever. Only things we found were some inactive lighting runes. So we just found decent spots in the courtyard and waited for them to arrive...,” began Harry.

“...and with about an hour to go a car pulled up. Three goons climbed out. One had a briefcase. They went into the stairs and waited in the dark. I didn’t recognize all of them but if we go over the database I can probably identify them. Then there was a slight surge of magic and the runes all lit up. I think it was one of the goons. So anyway we were waiting for something to happen…” continued Rose.

“...And the drop time came and went making us wonder if they were ever going to show…”

“...Finally after about ten minutes past a van swerved in and like five of them got out with another pretty similar looking briefcase. I think I recognized that Flandonson, Flander....”

“Flanderson, I think, Ron something.”

“Ronald Flanderson,” suggested Johnson.

“Yeah, that guy and possibly the Walters guy, Alvin Walters, If I remember correctly. That Pranfork fellow was nowhere to be seen though. He might have been the driver but we never got a good look at that driver. Aaand... I thin one of them was definitely Weaslton, but the rest I’m not sure. They walked to the middle of the courtyard and the deal was just about to start when all hell broke loose," continued Rose.

“Yeah, this dude teleported down while at the same time the lighting runes went out. From what I could see he was about five ten, give or take. All black. Black hair, bit of a bird's nest. He blasted everyone and then started looking for the briefcase. Around then is when we contacted you."

"So I order you to get the cases, then what happenened? And why do you have only one?" asked Johnson.

"Well after the order I charged in, she stayed behind to sneak up on the cases and tag them with that combo," explained Harry,"I punched the dude and stole the case from him. Tried to fly to the top of the building but got turned into a jellyfish and then I landed on the ground. He took the case and started flying away."

“I was slowly sneaking up on them and spelling trackers into anyone in sight. I think Harry tagged the dude too," added Rose.

“Oh, yeah, I put one on the guy," remembered Harry.

“Okay. pause. Let’s activate those trackers,” said Johnson, “tell me the codes.” Johnson tapped his monitor and brought up a window. He typed in the codes as Harry and Rose rattled them off. Sending them off to the reconnaissance department to process, he turned back to the two agents and gestured for them to continue their report.

“So then I flew after the dude with the briefcase and that’s when this woman ran in…didn't get a good look to be honest...” continued Harry.

“...she was like five six, fair, wearing a dark tracksuit,” supplied Rose.

"Right, so the other guy, dived down into a dirt pit..." continued Harry.

“Ok, you lost me there. Dirt pit. That’s new.” asked Johnson.

“Err.. it was like a… uh… I dunno… the earth sorta melted and shifted and he slid in. I don’t know. Reminded me of a book I read once," explained Harry

“You mean The Princess of Potty Sludge?” asked Rose.

“Yeah, that was a dirt queen, this is a dirt king," replied Harry.

“Okaay... I think I get the picture. Continue,” said Johnson.

“And then these two were battling it out. She had a green signature. That was the dominant color. I was waiting for the dirt king to show up. I decided to up the ante a bit, but then the dirt king arrived faster than expected and the lightning woman tried to attack him but ended up being maneuvered into one of Rose’s spell chains. She went down immediately. And then the dirt king sent a slashing spell at her which left that gash," rattled off Harry without pausing.

“Okay, slow down there,” said Johnson holding up a hand, ”So Rose v green woman, arrival of dirt guy.”

“Yes, then I called for a storm…” said Harry slowly.

“You did what?”

“Storm... uhh… well… it seemed a good idea.”

“Only you, Danvers, only you.”

“Anyway, the green woman was hit by a spell chain from Rose."

“Which one?”

“The entrail-fire-organ one,” supplied Rose.

“Ah… that one’s a particularly nasty one," said Johnson grimacing.

“Yeah, anyway then she got hit by the spell," continued Harry.

“Yeah, I lost consciousness sometime around that…” added Rose

“...and we got back here.”

“That’s quite a lot to dissect there. Your ‘dirt king’ sounds like somebody new. Not new to the game, but new to the situation. Your lightning lady though, I’ll have to look through a few files. She sounds familiar. green signature, tracksuit…. That’s a lot to think on. Leave the briefcase here. I’ll get back to you with what the people at Recon dig up. We have to try and acquire the other case too. Or else the we won't get the complete picture. Before we open this I’ll have it checked for any bugs and traps. Get a general read. You two get cleaned up and ready to roll. We’ll probably have a location for your guy before long. Good job.”

“Yes sir,” they chorused before walking out.

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Terry woke up. The sunlight was streaming in through the windows. After a reasonable amount of yawning he got up. He opened the small double doors and walked out onto the small balcony. He could see some people on the lower floors out on their balconies. One or two people were reeling in the clothes lines that ran across the alley.

“Hey Mr.Clarke! Can you throw that down?" said a voice.

Terry turned, and spotted a Frisbee in the corner. He picked it and peered over the railing at the kids in the alley below. One of the kids waved at him.

“Catch!” he yelled.

Terry threw the Frisbee. It sailed off towards the other end of the alley. Aw come on. Terry, smiling ruefully, pointed and slowly guided it back. Once it got close, the kid leapt into the air, rose unsteadily, and grabbed it. He floated down a fair distance and then plummeted. The other kids clumped together and just managed to catch him, collapsing in a pile of grunts and giggles.

“Work on those landings Jimmy!” called out Terry.

“Will do, Mr.Clarke!” came the reply with a cheeky salute.

He gazed into the distance. The river Zarate, dotted with barely visible forms of the various factories and houses that were perched on its banks, moved along lazily. A couple of boats were floating along. The smell of breakfast being cooked was prevalent in the air. He let out a sigh. A peaceful little community. Totally oblivious.

Maybe I could jut throw the damn thing in the river. Save me the trouble of keeping the damn thing safe. What a colossal oversight. Of course there must be others looking for it. The way this went it would have been easier to just let them swap it. Then I could have avoided having to injure her. She was in the way. Doesn’t make me evil does it? Just a slasher. She's probably fine by now. Wonder who they were? Probably just following orders. Who are they working for? It can’t have been just another gang. No one with that much power works as a lackey. So someone else is after it. What could they want with it? The...

Terry was pulled out of his reverie by Bunny’s miaowing. The cat paused a moment to stare at him. “My bowl had better be full again by the time I get back,” the stare seemed to say. Then the cat walked through the little rectangle of tape that Terry had pasted on the railing. Moments later, she appeared down in the alley. And ten points to me for mastering the permanent portal spell. The days where I had to levitate her down. Shuddering at the memories that dredged up, he walked back inside, had a quick but hearty breakfast, and pulled a chair to the table. The briefcase sat waiting where he had left it. Time to get this open. He took a long look at the briefcase analyzing its design before raising his hands. You had better not explode...


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Thu Sep 16, 2021 5:21 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I'll just start with what I noticed while reading and then give a general opinion at the end.

First of all, I was very pleased to have a very dynamic and fast-paced beginning, which complemented the first chapter in a short and concise way. It definitely gave a snappy entry into the story and this very frequently POV switching chapter. (I liked how it switched often).

I notice that you are accessing thought processes more, giving the reader a chance to get some insights into their minds. A good point, which I also like to read because it's better than reading dialogue or monologues all the time and gives you a better idea of the true intentions. But I also think that maybe you should try to always make them into a new line instead of leaving them in a text. You can tell they're italic, but I think it gives a better overview of the chapter. I also like the lines of thought you always put in.

You just have to be careful, because you show the trains of thought of several people, that it doesn't become too monotonous, or one even gets the impression that you use the same style and means of expression.

Evelyn seems very determined and confident for what you have seen. Especially considering that the thoughts represent her intentions, it fits better into this scheme of being able to interpret a character.

One question I have here is how the magic is set up in your story. Is it similar to Harry Potter (I happened to see your fanfic) or did you put some kind of different rules in there?

Even though the chapter changed POV frequently, I found it very quiet. Compared to the brilliant opening chapter, this had a sort of cool-down effect.

Harry seems very committed to his partner Jenna that he himself puts the boss in the back. I thought that was a good way of showing his character - where I'll go into a bit more in a later chapter. I also like there that we saw a bit of the appearance of both of them. Harry also seems older here, like the Harry in Survival now, because he seems more experienced, more articulate and has a kind of charisma.

What I noticed here, and in the parts to come, is that your descriptions here are a bit more developed and detailed, if a bit stiff at times.

The chapter felt like a bridge leading to a crossroads right away. You're opening up some storylines here that will inevitably meet again, and I think that's a great opening method.

For the build up to Johnson, I was a little disappointed. For that point to work towards him, it was only presented in a mediocre way. The dialogue though I thought was very good, the way he always spoke in questions and you could see a bit more with that. But I think a short introduction would probably be a good way to present his character better.

Overall, I found it a very complex but also very interesting chapter. I like how you always changed the voices to show this kind of dynamic spread over the next chapters.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Ohh the magic system here is built from scratch. Its something I use for every story of mine [they all kind of take place in a shared universe]



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Wed Sep 02, 2020 2:30 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey! Andrew here for your review. I really liked this chapter, we really strengthened the friendship (/romantic relationship? The tag is romantic fantasy so I can't help but wonder XD) with the good dialogue and Harry's waiting. I liked the perspective shifts, they felt natural and interesting. I'm excited to see where our Dirt King and Green Lady go, both seem like interesting characters with redeeming traits. As far as critiques, sometimes the dialogue felt a bit forced.
But into specifics!

Dirt king

Since this is a title I think it should be capitalized? I'm not quite sure.

run a diagnostic,he waved her away.

here should be a space between the comma and he.
“ but if my readings are correct

That space shouldn't be here
" Not till she's awake."

Same here
Should I call Johnson? Naa, he'd understand.

feels a bit forced, personally I think "Maybe I should call Johnson... naa, he'd understand." sounds better, but that might just be me.
Throwing his black hoodie into a corner, Terry collapsed onto the couch. Staring at the ceiling, he stretched, yawning. Bug sweep. Plenty of time. Just a few minutes. With that in mind, he dozed off.

This is great
" You don't look like you're unscathed."

Weird space again
“Yeah, Sorry about that,sir,” replied Harry.

Why is sorry capitalized? also, also, space after comma.

“Hey Mr.Clarke! Can you throw that down?" said a voice

Space after Mr. Comma after hey.
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
Overall I really liked this chapter, excited to see more of our likable enemies.
Thanks, and keep writing!




HarryHardy says...


Thanks you for the review!!

Those spaces are a problem with copying from google docs...xD I sometimes miss them when I'm editing it in the final draft because usually even the italics are also taken out by the copy paste so that's what I focus on.

Thanks again!! I'm glad you love the friendship they have...it's been a lot of fun writing that. :D



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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Here as requested! I see you've already got an awful lot of reviews on this one so I'm not sure what I can add... but let's see!

I've just been back to reread chapter one so I'm all caught up on what's going on here. On to the review.

The sky was lighting up in the east. The cobblestones were cracked. Pieces of them dug into her arms. There was a metallic taste in her mouth. Evelyn Taylor breathed out slowly, wincing at the flash of pain in her side. She sat up, head pounding, and spat. The unconscious forms of the seller’s people were piled up against the wall. Staggering to her feet, she limped to the gate, cursing the pink lady with every step. She scanned the deserted street, and closed the gate. She made her way to the stairs, muttering a few detection spells as she did so, in between bouts of painful coughing. They’re gone. She sat on the steps,wincing as the her side felt like it was being pierced by several hot needles. She surveyed the destroyed courtyard. The ancient walls had taken a beating, spellfire leaving numerous scorch marks. Most of the cobblestones were cracked and large mounds of earth were piled up in places. Stupid dirt man. Never seen him before. Must be new to the scene. She winced as her side flared up again. The rudimentary healing spell on her burst lung wasn't very effective. She would have to get a proper doctor to look at it. Stupid lady. And pink. Honestly, of all the colors. Freaking hot pink. Wait till I get my hands on her. She noticed the unconscious bodies of both her men and the others. Idiots. Not a single brain cell between them. Let them wake up. Someone better have answers.


Big chunk of a paragraph here. Makes it more difficult to read. I understand that you've got a different character's PoV here but I think the -------- does a good job of separating it so you can write in more than one paragraph at the top.

Harry appeared in a swirl of blue light in the emergency section of the med bay. He paid no attention to the plain white walls as he made his way towards the beds. The doctor on call, Jenna, rushed towards them gesturing at the nearest bed. Harry gently laid Rose down on it while Jenna shouted at someone to bring a blood replenisher and some cleaning fluid.

Jenna waved her hands over Rose in an intricate pattern and a bright golden light passed through her body, flaring red in several places, as the diagnostic spell detected several minor scrapes and bruises. It, much to their relief, did not show any internal damage. She'd only been hit with a simple slashing spell.


I think this section would be better if there was a sense of urgency added to it. Harry doesn't know that Rose has only been hit with a simple spell but he doesn't seem that concerned. The phrases you use: 'made his way' and 'gently laid' offer the view of someone very laid back. This might be true of his character, but as the reader I don't think we have any real tense moment which could work well here!

"The boss can wait. I'm not leaving till I know she's okay."

I thought we already knew she was ok?


Jenna nodded, knowing from experience that he wasn’t going to be persuaded to leave.

Could do with a comma here.

Her red hair that stood out from a mile away was in a halo around her face. Her electric blue eyes identical to his own were closed

I understand you're trying to have the description of these characters come up naturally but this feels a little forced. I'd either remove the 'that stood out from a mile away' or not mention her hair until perhaps he recognises her in a crowd because of said hair that stands out a mile away.

Seven years of seeing the same thing happen and you'd think you get used to it. The perils of having a partner be your best friend. He smiled as several images ran through his head.

Interesting, because from the first chapter I wouldn't have guessed they were friends. It looks like Harry has a thing for Rose but when we were reading from her PoV I honestly thought she just found him a bit irritating. I didn't get any warmth in her feelings towards him.

not counting the countless times

This reads a bit strangely.

“It definitely felt serious but it’s fine now. Just a minor inconvenience. How are you?”


How does she know it's fine now?

“Didn’t report that to Johnson yet?” asked Rose noticing the briefcase.

“No, I wasn’t going anywhere till you woke up.”

“You dolt. Now he’s going to be mad at us for being late to report to him.”

“Nah. He’d have guessed by now that one of us got injured.”

“Well, you are incorrigible.”


There's a lot of speech during this whole section - I actually feel like we could do with a little more description. Just to balance it out (I'm totally guilty of doing this too).

Evelyn was severely pissed off. She had her men holding the four others against the wall while the man who'd brought the briefcase was currently levitated in the air gasping for breath.

There's a lot of changes of scene in this chapter. I think it would work well for a tv show or film, but written like this it's a bit overwhelming. I'm not sure what to suggest to make it read better. Perhaps it will get more natural as we continue so I'll reserve judgement for now.

“Yeah, that guy and possibly the Walters guy, Alvin Walters, If I remember correctly. That Pranfork fellow was nowhere to be seen though. He might have been the driver but we never got a good look at that driver. Aaand... I thin one of them was definitely Weaslton, but the rest I’m not sure. They walked to the middle of the courtyard and the deal was just about to start when all hell broke loose," continued Rose.

If she could recognise and name them, why didn't we get their names in the first chapter? It would have made it much easier to work out who was where in the fight.

I also don't think they need to recount the entire thing, I mean, we were there! We don't need to read about it again ;)

Then the cat walked through the little rectangle of tape that Terry had pasted on the railing. Moments later, she appeared down in the alley

Aw cute, it's a cat flap!


Ok so a lot to dissect in this chapter. I was going to suggest posting future ones as multiple parts but I think your most recent is 4.1 so guessing you've already done that?

Hopefully some of my comments have been useful here! I'll try to get to the next chapter by Friday (work is crazy busy right now!)


Icy :)




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!!
Some useful advice that I have to look into when this goes into the second draft. I can see this particular chapter is probably the weakest one in the story so far.
Thanks again!! :D



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Sat Jun 27, 2020 12:13 am
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Cow wrote a review...



Alrighty, this is a long one...

Ok, I took an ice cream break. Chocolate ice cream but make it moose tracks! Anyways, review time!

I am loving this chapter title! It's not bolded like the other but that's fine, you do you, my dude.

The first whole paragraph wonderfully describes but PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER GOD YOU WORSHIP I DON'T CARE IF ITS A SLICE OF CHEESE, indent it and make it not look so... out of place and bulky. It just makes it seem like it doesn't belong. But the description for it was good! I'm glad to see that that may have improved this time around.

It felt overwhelming when viewpoints were switched, no names given to show you ahead of time who it was, just a bunch on lines. Try adding names or some sort of warning besides that, just even make it look neater! It was a bit strange to see, in the least.

When typing out names, hence Mr.Clarke, ALWAYS put a space after a period when typing out Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms. Otherwise, I like how some names are rather different, but then a lot are something you wouldn't see often unless you are from a certain area in real life. Like, I don't know anyone named Clarke but maybe going into a city or out west more, maybe!

Other than that, Editor seemed to grasp most everything else that I had an eye out for. I like that the description was a bit more in the lines there so that was good! I think I'm liking Harry and Rose a bit more though, to be honest. They were entertaining, with how they thought or talked to each other but hey! That's just me.

- Cow




HarryHardy says...


Thank your for the review!!
Some good advice.



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Sun Jun 21, 2020 6:09 pm
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JustPerks wrote a review...



Hello again! I am here for your second requested review. And whew, this does feel like a pretty long chapter. Just between Harry's and Rose's viewpoints would have been a fine length, I think, but I can understand wanting the side views to add more to the plot. From the previous review, I can recall that the first main characters were Rose and Harry, two special agents, and that Rose had been seriously wounded. Let's see what else occurs.

Hm. Starting this chapter with a new character works fairly well, but there was a sliver of confusion as to who Evelyn actually was, but her describing Rose as the "pink" lady and then getting annoyed by the bodies of the sellers, made me realize that she must be the "green lightening" lady. And apparently part of the "buyer" group if she dismissed the "sellers" like she had. Her criticizing her own men was pretty funny, too. I assume she's a rather independent character that would probably rather rely on her own abilities rather than that of her henchmen.

With the view shift to Harry, I have a few suggestions as to expand on his character and the relationship he has with Rose. Now, this is the first time that the reader has gotten direct thoughts from Harry and the like, and so a good idea is to really capitalize on how to get his specific character traits acros, in contrast to other characters.

I think the awkward vibe I get from Harry is more from some of his thoughts being unnaturally wordy, such as "Going to have to wait it out. Oh this is torture. Seven years of seeing the same thing happen and you'd think you get used to it. The perils of having a partner be your best friend." and "I know I’m injured. Fell down twice. Jellyfish and that maneuver. Not important. She’s the important one. I’m not going to distract the nurse from her."

The issue I think with some of these thoughts are that the punctuation seems a bit haphazard, meaning that these quotes feel like incomplete fragments -> "The perils of having a partner be your best friend" is worded funny, and the transition of "Going to have to wait it out. Oh this is torture" seems a bit off too. I'm not sure how to advise on the changes, maybe something like "Darn these perils of having your partner be your best friend" and "I guess I'm going to have to wait it out."

Maybe one thing that would help is body language! There are a few injections of what Harry is doing here, such as gripping the briefcase tighter, and him sighing at the end of his first section. However, I think more would be great, especially when we get sentences of just his thoughts. Even something like, "He grimaced" or "He looked down at his hand, surprised at the briefcase clutched tight in his grip." Maybe it's because I'm always interested in what people are doing and how their emotions are displayed from body language.

From there, other reviewers pointed out that the short look-in to Terry was probably too short to really establish much in the plot, but I did assume he was Dirt Man because that was the last character that didn't have a name yet. The detail about the briefcase was good, but I like the idea previous people had said to give some kind of hint as to who he was.

Back to Rose now, I see, and I like the easy friendship between her and Harry. The long chunk of conversation was a bit muddied as there weren't too many dialogue tags mixed in, but I think it's decent enough to read through. I'm trying to get some grasp on how old both of these characters are, judging by the "years" they've already worked together as Special Agents and each other's respective partners.

Evelyn's side view again gives a little detail here. I assume she's trying to figure out why the deal between her and the sellers didn't work out well. This part could work nicely at the beginning though, to give more of a smooth transition between view changes and giving the plot a better flow throughout the sections.

The summation of the previous chapter did feel a bit long, but that works as a decent introduction to their boss, Johnson. I kind of like his character so far, but I do hope to see some body language at least, or specific traits of his later in the story.

I think Terry's last section works a lot better than the first one because it's a bit longer and more descriptive with his thoughts, motivations, and everything that makes him a separate character than other people in this story so far. I think it's interesting to learn more about why he had swooped in and grabbed a briefcase, not to mention I wonder what's the importance of both of them. The indication seems to be a bomb, or maybe a weapon, if Terry is worried about the briefcase exploding. Hmm.

Overall, wow, this was pretty enjoyable! I like the characters and I like the plot development. I hope this helped!




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for your review!!
Yaa I should make the body language a bit more prominent.
As for Harry's thoughts I kinda modeled it after the way I think so...I guess I have weird thought patterns.
Thanks again!!



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Wed Jun 17, 2020 11:19 pm
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Que wrote a review...



Hello again, HarryHardy!

A quick note about length here--this wasn't bad to read, but might be a tad bit on the long side for most chapters on YWS. If you routinely have chapters longer than this, I might suggest breaking them up into parts in the future. This one was fine, but just a heads up if you're going to write some longer ones!

Harry appeared in a swirl of blue light in the emergency section of the med bay. He paid no attention to the plain white walls as he made his way towards the beds. The doctor on call, Jenna, rushed towards them gesturing at the nearest bed. Harry gently laid Rose down on it

It might be helpful to mention Harry actually carrying Rose as he appears rather than just having him lay her down when we didn't even know she was there.

Terry Clarke appeared in his house, startling his cat who proceeded to hiss angrily at him for disturbing her nap. He walked up to her, giving the cat a scratch behind the ear to placate her. She nudged his leg and moved into the small kitchenette.

Hm, this seems like the oddest character break to me. I think the lead-in with the green woman worked pretty well as an opener, but this one is so short and doesn't reveal too much, so it seems more jarring in context. It would also be helpful if you dropped some hints (other than the briefcase!) as to who he is. He's the dirt man, right? So there could be some little line about brushing dirt from his clothes or something to give a little more background knowledge.

Now let’s go give our report before the boss man gets impatient,"

It's made sense so far to call him their boss, but here "boss man" just strikes me as off. Shouldn't they know his name? And would they use it? Or at least a more formal "our boss" would feel better here.
(oops, I see later that his name is Johnson, maybe you could use that about as much as you use "boss" so that it feels more equal?)

She had her men holding the four others against the wall while the man who'd brought the briefcase was currently levitated in the air gasping for breath.

A little confusing! The phrasing here almost makes it sound like someone has brought her the briefcase? When actually I think you just mean the man who originally brought the briefcase to the meeting.

“Well, I see why the report is late,” began Johnson as he noticed the bandage wrapping around Rose.

Is she... not wearing anything else? Usually I think a bandage would be concealed by clothing. If so, you could always have him noticing the cuts visible on both of their faces and arms or something instead!

“...And the drop time came and went making us wonder if they were ever going to show…”

“...Finally after about ten minutes past a van swerved in and like five of them got out with another pretty similar looking briefcase. I think I recognized that Flandonson, Flander....”

“Flanderson, I think, Ron something.”

I love the flow of this bit, how Rose and Harry finish each other's statements so naturally! You can tell they've been partners for so many year

“Okay. pause. Let’s activate those trackers,” said Johnson, “tell me the codes.” Johnson tapped his monitor and brought up a window. He typed in the codes as Harry and Rose rattled them off. Sending them off to the reconnaissance department to process, he turned back to the two agents and gestured for them to continue their report.

I kind of love Johnson here, "Okay guys let's pause while we do this important thing first!" XD Even so, I wish I could see even more characterization here? Is he exasperated by these two or used to them by now? It would be great to have some body language/facial expressions from him to clue us in.

Reminded me of a book I read once," explained Harry

“You mean The Princess of Potty Sludge?” asked Rose.

“Yeah, that was a dirt queen, this is a dirt king," replied Harry.

I love this oh my gosh

Of course there must be others looking for it. The way this went it would have been easier to just let them swap it. Then I could have avoided having to injure her. She was in the way. Doesn’t make me evil does it? Just a slasher. She's probably fine by now.

Who is "she"? Is he talking about Rose...? If so, I wonder how he knows her or why he cares. It seems a little odd for him to fixate on her, or to regret causing damages in general.

Overall, a nice read! I wonder if the summary portion in the middle was a tad bit lengthy; it's helpful to clarify, but don't let it overshadow the actual first chapter. :) It was a little dialogue-heavy, so it could be a good place to add some description. Johnson is neat, but seems a bit casual to me, so I wonder how well this organization is run...? And where everyone falls in the chain.

You occasionally have some awkward language usage. Things like, "I suppose it would be futile to tell you to go ahead and report in?" "You don't look like you're unscathed." "The smell of breakfast being cooked was prevalent in the air." (on that last I'm thinking you meant something more like "pervasive" than "prevalent"!) I think some of these words are fine for description, but in dialogue, it just doesn't seem like people would use them and can make things a little clunky.

Other than that, there's some nice plot development with excerpts from the enemy perspective. You've got nice descriptions and I really enjoy how you weave magic into even normal things like letting the cat out. It's really nice in a novel like this! I'm very interested to see where this will go next. :)

-Q




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for your review!!

Weah I did feel that Terry's scene was a little too short and sudden. I probably should've made that longer and broken this chapter in half somewhere. And I do have some long chapters. I'll break them up in the future.
And Johnson, he'll get some more development soon. Here he is there to set up a little comparison in the next chapter.
And the bandage I meant the outline that would be visible from under her clothes but I probably should have made that clearer.
And thank you. I was hoping someone would like that little reference!!
Thanks again for taking to the time to review!!!
Would you like to be tagged when the next chapter comes out?



Que says...


No problem! This has been really fun for me to read, I%u2019d love to be tagged. :D



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Mon Jun 15, 2020 5:47 pm
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Seirre wrote a review...



Hello HarryHardy, I'm here for the requested review!

I really enjoyed reading this chapter! Not too much happened plot-wise, but I have a feeling that this is setting us up for some more excitement. We also got to see some great interactions between Rose and Harry. They really seem to look out for each other and I love that Harry wouldn't leave her until she woke up.

Her electric blue eyes identical to his own were closed.

I could be reading too much into this, but I'm curious if it means anything that they have identical eyes. Are they related? Do they share the same type of magic? Are they soulmates?

I agree with some of your previous reviewers that there are maybe a few too many perspective swaps, but that's understandable if you're trying to set this up for stuff that happens in the next chapters. In future chapters though, I would definitely recommend trying to cut back on perspective changes if possible.

I found the last point of view, of Terry's, to be especially interesting - it gives us a view of the "other side", who at the moment, doesn't seem to be evil. I'm curious to see if there is a good/evil side or if it's more complex than that.

Then I could have avoided having to injure her. She was in the way. Doesn’t make me evil does it? Just a slasher. She's probably fine by now.

I really like that you reveal how Terry is feeling about what has happened, his thoughts are very human and relatable.

There are a few typos here and there, but nothing huge that's going to detract from the story - I would just suggest proofreading or using an app like Grammarly to get rid of silly mistakes. There was however one small error that repeated itself throughout the chapter - there are several sentences that are missing commas. I put a spoiler of some examples below.
Spoiler! :
The doctor on call, Jenna, rushed towards them gesturing at the nearest bed.

"The doctor on call, Jenna, rushed towards them, gesturing at the nearest bed."

As she watched he woke up having heard her stir.

"As she watched, he woke up, having heard her stir.[/quote]

She sat up slowly with Harry's help and shakily swung her legs to the side of the bed so that she was now sitting facing him.

"She sat up slowly with Harry's help and shakily swung her legs to the side of the bed, so that she was now sitting facing him."

She had her men holding the four others against the wall while the man who'd brought the briefcase was currently levitated in the air gasping for breath.

"She had her men holding the four others against the wall while the man who'd brought the briefcase was currently levitated in the air, gasping for breath."

“Well, I see why the report is late,” began Johnson as he noticed the bandage wrapping around Rose.

"“Well, I see why the report is late,” began Johnson, as he noticed the bandage wrapping around Rose."

Again, just a very minor detail, but it helps with the flow of the story.


Other than that, this is a really well-written chapter. I can't wait to see what happens next to Harry and Rose - please tag me when the next chapter is published!

I hope this was helpful, and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit


Image




HarryHardy says...


Thanks for reviewing this @whatchamacallit. Was really helpful. I'll get to work on those typos.
And yes this is the only chapter that will feature more than two viewpoints. The others will only have one or maximum two.
And I'm glad you liked it.
I'll remember to tag you when the next chapter comes out.
Thanks again.
Harry



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Fri Jun 12, 2020 1:17 pm
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Shadeflame wrote a review...



Hi Harry! It's Shade here to do a review, trying to return the favor. I'm still not sure how you managed to do it all. xD

Okay. At the start, we see that green lightning lady getting up from the ground. I'm not sure how powerful her magic is, but she seems to be walking around a lot for someone with a burst lung. Still, I don't know how these healing spells work though, so maybe it makes sense?

She sat on the steps,wincing as the pain flared up again.She surveyed the destroyed courtyard. The ancient walls had taken a beating, spellfire leaving numerous scorch marks. Most of the cobblestones were cracked and large mounds of earth were piled up in places. Stupid dirt man. Never seen him before. Must be new to the scene. She winced as her side flared up again.

You repeat "flared up again" a lot in a short time. You might want to change your description of the pain, or not mention it quite as much.

The doctor on call, Jenna, rushed towards them gesturing at the nearest bed.

I'm guessing they get hurt a lot, because not only does Harry know her name, she also knows that he won't leave Rose. I liked your description of magic in the scene.

"The boss can wait. I'm not leaving till I know she'd okay."

I feel like "she'd" should be "she's".

He gripped the handle of the briefcase tighter.. He glanced at the case.

You could combine this into one sentence because I'm not sure why you put the "..." there.

Damn Treasure Hunt.

Did you capitalize "Treasure Hunt" on purpose? This confused me. Normally, just the first word of a sentence is capitalized, so I'm trying to figure out if this is a name of the mission or something or is he just using it as a metaphor type thingy.

She wrapped Rose’s chest in a bandage before gesturing for Harry to move away. She conjured a privacy screen so that she could change Rose out of her bloodied jeans and blouse and into a pair of navy blue hospital overalls. She soon dispelled the privacy screen and turned towards Harry after running another diagnostic.

You start all three of these sentences with "she", so it reads a little weird. You might want to consider varying that a bit. I also noticed it in your other sentences, so you might want to work on that.

And we've changed our POV again. I feel like you maybe changed it a little too much. It made it hard to focus when we bounce around all over the place. Some POV change is fine, but we have 7 changes in this chapter. Anyways, hope I'm not too harsh. I don't mean to be. These are just suggestions, and if you like that many POV changes, go ahead!
He walked up to her, giving the cat a scratch behind the ear to placate her.

I added a comma after her to make it flow better.


On to the next part!
As she watched he woke up as he heard her stir.

You repeat "as" twice here, so you should revise your sentence until you only have one.
“Well, it was a controlled descent, not a fall.”

You should put a comma in after "descent".

“Yeah, i’m okay.

The "I" should be capitalized.


Evelyn tightened the bonds on the man.

What bonds? You said earlier that he was being held in the air by telekinesis.

"Looks like you're not going to spill. Too bad for you really."

The "really sounds a bit off. You might want to consider taking it out.

And we've switched again.
”So Rose v green woman,

Pretty sure it's supposed to be "v.s", but I might be wrong.


Okay. I like your last scene a lot. It lets people know what this city is like. Kids have levitation skills and magic is commonplace. I also loved the little bits you put in about the cat. I'm internally cringing inside at the thought of poor Terry having to levitate this grumpy cat Bunny down. I loved the ending, and I can't wait to see what happens. What on Earth is in these briefcases?
You let us catch a glimpse of what Rose and Harry's friendship/partnership is like. Also you brought in some more characters, like that Evelyn woman and Terry. Honestly, I like Terry so far, probably more than anyone else, so please don't kill him off. xD
This is a great story and I look forwards to seeing more of it. Tag me when you post another chapter!
Again, I hope that I wasn't too harsh. I probably nit-picked way too much, and I hope I didn't offend you.
Keep writing!
-Shade




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for writing
After reading this *Harry facepalms*. Most of those were typos. I will have to fix those.
And don't worry you weren't too harsh. It was really helpful. I ran this by a couple of friends and checked it twice yet you found some mistakes I didn't see.
I'll remember to tag you. Tag me when your stories get updated.
Stay Safe :)
Harry



HarryHardy says...


And I forgot to say, the POV switching was for this chapter only to sorta get to know the main characters. The others will have two POV's at most.



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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hiya!!

Heroically snoozing, just what Harry & Rose needed. I really like that scene, because it shows really nicely how close Harry and Rose are. They’re more than just partners working together on a mission—they’re friends, too. Harry risking not bringing the case back to Johnson really shows how much he cares for Rose. I’m curious, is this med bay located at their headquarters of their organizations? It seems unconnected, mostly because the exact location wasn’t specified.

I’m wondering about the relationship between Harry/Rose and Johnson. It seems really really casual, especially with the way Harry and Rose were talking to him (very casual tone with the use of “like”, “dude” in their report). They all seem really friendly with each other. Also, I really appreciated Harry and Rose’s report; it was a nice little recap from last chapter!

I’m getting even more curious about what is in the cases! I like how we have several parties that are after them and how the motives are still unclear. I like the idea of bouncing back and forth between perspectives, but I’m wondering if it’s maybe better to stick to one or two per chapter, just because there can be a lot going on if we hop between different perspectives multiple times per chapter. That being said, it was enjoyable getting the opportunity to see the circumstances of all characters (though I wonder—will the buyers/sellers become important in the story? :0).

Last thing I want to say is I found this chapter easier to follow than the first! I’m really enjoying this and I can’t wait to read more :)

Peace,
~ EternalRain




HarryHardy says...


Hi EternalRain,

The perspectives will be down to one or two from next chapter on. Here I had to introduce the other characters so I thought I'd do a little multi POV. Good to see that it was easy to follow. I was a bit concerned that it might be too much jumping around.

Anyway thanks for the review. :)

P.S. Looking forward to the next chapter of The Rosemallow Princess.



EternalRain says...


Ah okay, glad that the perspective swapping will be toned down! I think it works well for this chapter, but many swaps each chapter might make my head go crazy hahah!! And you%u2019re welcome!




Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
— Lyndon B. Johnson