Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I watched his mouth as he spoke. His lips parted and closed as his orotund words fled out of his jaws like ballerinas do the wings. I wondered what he was thinking. His aquatic eyes flickered sideways as I looked up at them, they always did.
I began to speak, “Are you OK?” And I began to think “I’m not OK”. My honeyed prose dripped effortlessly onto the marble staircase. The sound entered none but his ears, my thoughts entered no ears. We were a charmed couple. Our hands intertwined as our poetic conversing came to an end. The words we had spoken were left behind but the thoughts we thought stayed with us.
I looked ahead. The charity gala, full of prestigious yet ignorant individuals, was packed full of deceitful speech. I watched as a women spoke, her chest heaved up and down as she uttered the words she had been fed. I noticed a man telling a story, he was laughing as his witty anecdote formed, an unoriginal narrative, the laughter that ensued was false.
It’s hard to understand, I thought in this grand hall, at this singular moment, it’s hard to think about all the conversations you’ve had. All the things you wish you could’ve said but don’t really know how. And further even how pointless all these conversations were in the big scheme of existence.
Part 1 - Anger
It doesn’t feel right.
“What doesn’t feel right?”
The big words. The small words. All the words. Speaking.
“You’re not making any sense, are you high?”
What? No. Of course not.
“Then what are you trying to say”
I am trying to say so much. I just don’t know how to say it.
“I know you’re failing English language. But it’s not that deep.”
It’s not that. Oh god, it’s really not that. Do you realise how trivial that is?
No. School, meaningless tests, teachers. All of it.
“Is this because of your biology result?”
No. It’s not. Will you please understand what I’m saying?
“No. Dude, its 3 am and I’m off my face.”
Part 2 - Acceptance
“Are you OK?”
“So are you going to answer my question?”
Um, yeah - what was it?
“What do you do in your spare time?
I distract myself.
You know, thinking.
“Why do you do that?”
Because I would never be able to say what I thought.
“Well, that’s what I’m here for.”
I mean yeah, on a very inconsequential level.
“What do you mean?”
Well, no one can ever really talk.
“I’m sorry? What?”
No one can say exactly what they are thinking so what is the point at all?
“I think we are going to need another session.”
Part 3 - Teaching
“So you are trying to tell me that we are all liars?”
Do you believe me?
“Well you’re lying aren’t you.”
“So how can I believe you.”
Some speech, special speech, is truthful.
“Are you truthful?”
“What do you mean?
You never really know.
“What are you on about? You are being really vague.”
Look, it’s too complicated. I can’t explain.
“Should we just get some coffee?”
Part 4 - Questioning
“You’re wrong, you can’t possibly be right”
Well, how do you explain the fact people always get the wrong impression.
“That’s not a psychological and philosophical flaw in society, that's just people not thinking enough.”
But that example is the simplest form.
“So tell me how it gets more complex.”
Think when you are telling a story.
And you are picturing it in your head.
Nobody is picturing it the same way as you are.
“Well, that’s a given.”
That’s how everything works.
“What do you mean?”
Everything you say - everything, is misinterpreted, miscalculated and their analysis of you, everything is entirely wrong.
“I still don’t get your point. Maybe you’re wrong?”This is so typical of you! You never listen to me. Oh my god. You are so, so selfish.
“Calm down. This is a small issue that shouldn’t get between us.”
Part 5 - Loneliness
Something is wrong. I don’t think it’s the words. I don’t know what it could be but I know it’s there. I could spend my life trying to find it and fail or I could know it is there and continue like the rest of you, us. Nothing quite explains the feeling I have but I will always know that there is something out their, something that makes even the most organic of moments a lie. And I will never know, and it’s killing me inside.
“Man, you are so wrecked. What the fuck are you on?”