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12+ Language

Ballerinas Out of the Wings

by eiaeh9


Prologue

I watched his mouth as he spoke. His lips parted and closed as his orotund words fled out of his jaws like ballerinas do the wings. I wondered what he was thinking. His aquatic eyes flickered sideways as I looked up at them, they always did.

I began to speak. My honeyed prose dripped effortlessly onto the marble staircase, the sound entered none but his ears, as we made our way down to the grand hall. We were a charmed couple. Our hands intertwined as our poetic conversing came to an end. The words we had spoken were left behind, never to be heard in that exact order again. I found that intriguing.

I looked ahead. The hall, full of prestigious individuals, was packed full of deceitful speech. The charity gala was packed full of liars and the words that came out of them. I watched as a women spoke, her chest heaved up and down as she uttered the words she had been fed. I noticed a man telling a story, he was laughing as his witty anecdote formed, an unoriginal narrative that could never be fully appreciated for he could never truly convey the image in his mind, and therefore the laughter that ensued was false.

-

But these liars weren’t the malevolent ones. No, these were the ignorant ones. Ignorant of the fact that all words, speech, verse, discourse is deceitful, there aren’t enough words to manifest the picture of our mind. And our mind is jumbled, thoughts come and go, they are the truth, and can to no extent be expressed. And so we go on, and no one knows us, the words won’t allow it.

-

It’s hard to understand, I thought in this grand hall, at this singular moment, it’s hard to think about all the conversations you’ve had. All the things you wish you could’ve said but don’t really know how. And further even how pointless all these conversations were in the big scheme of existence.

-

Part 1 - Anger

It doesn’t feel right.

“What doesn’t feel right?”The big words. The small words. All the words. Speaking.

“You’re not making any sense, are you high?”

What? No. Of course not.

“Then what are you trying to say”I am trying to say so much. I just don’t know how to say it.

“I know you’re failing English language. But it’s not that deep.”

It’s not that, oh god, it’s really not that. Do you realise how trivial that is?

“English lang.?”

No. School, examinations, the superiority of adults imposed on children by forcing them to meaningless tests. All of it.

“Is this because of your biology result?”

No. It’s not. Will you please understand what I’m saying?

“No. Dude, its 3 am and I’m off my face.”

Part 2 - Acceptance

“Are you OK?”

Yeah, sure

“So are you going to answer my question?”

Um, yeah - what was it?

“What do you do in your spare time?

I distract myself.

“From what?”

You know, thinking.

“Why do you do that?”

Because I would never be able to say what I thought.

“Well, that’s what I’m here for.”

I mean yeah, on a very inconsequential level.

“What do you mean?”

Well, no one can ever really talk.

“I’m sorry? What?”

No one can say exactly what they are thinking so what is the point at all?

“I think we are going to need another session.”

Part 3 - Teaching

“So you are trying to tell me that we are all liars?”

Yes!

“Ok…”

Do you believe me?

“Well you’re lying aren’t you.”

I guess

“So how can I believe you. This is too complicated.”

Think of words as prompts, they guide you to the right conclusion.

“Uh huh…”

But there aren’t enough words to allow you to get to the full right conclusion.

“I still don’t understand how I’m supposed to understand this if everything you say is a lie.”

Because everything I’m saying is only partially true.

“Should we just get some coffee?”

Part 4 - Questioning

“You’re wrong, you can’t possibly be right”

Well, how do you explain the fact people always get the wrong impression.

“That’s not a psychological and philosophical flaw in society, that's just people not thinking enough.”

But that example is the simplest form.

“So tell me how it gets more complex.”

Think when you are telling a story.

“Ok…”

And you are picturing it in your head.

“Yeah…”

Nobody is picturing it the same way as you are.

“Well, that’s a given.”

That’s how everything works.

“What do you mean?”

Everything you say - everything, is misinterpreted, miscalculated and their interpretation of you is entirely wrong.

“I guess, I still don’t get your point.”

This is so typical of you! You never listen to me, oh my god. You are so, so selfish.

“Calm down. This is a small issue that shouldn’t get between us.”

Ok… Ok

Part 5 - Loneliness

I feel so alone. I have felt like this for a long time. I know that and yet the tears that I am afraid to cry, the puddles I know I can’t create are so eminent, so near. This self-inflicted isolation, knowing I am wrong but still feeling so strong that something is wrong. Like atheists can’t believe in god, I could never imagine a world in which I’m not secluded from everyone else's way of life.

“Man, you’re so wrecked. What the fuck are you on?”


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9 Reviews


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Tue Apr 17, 2018 9:42 pm
camusic wrote a review...



I love how everything is described, fun to read. Very interesting you grabbed my attention.
“What doesn’t feel right?”The big words. Need a space there, I’d suggest making all those short sentences one but grammar isn’t my strong suit. If the main character in the first part is talking then there should be quotations and he said she said. If that’s to boring or doesn’t convey the meaning you want you could try something like. “It doesn’t feel right,” I murmured… Something like that. I was a bit confused by the “I’m off my face” Anyhoo very interesting I’ll grant you that.




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Mon Apr 16, 2018 12:55 pm
OniiChan wrote a review...



Hey, Onii-Chan here!

Thanks for requesting I review this!
I found this very interesting. I find it particularly cool how the prologue has such attention to detail. The story itself, though, feels rather vague. Maybe I just can’t put a story together well (that’s why I write poetry :/) but I just couldn’t find out what was going on. There were also a few grammatical errors.
THAT LAST LINE THO
You probably want to change the rating to 16+.




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Sun Apr 15, 2018 9:35 pm
killeham wrote a review...



Hi there! Thanks for the request, and I hope this is helpful.

First off, I’d recommend you mark this as 18+ for the very last line of this piece. I don’t think you lose much meaning if you modify that sentence to

What are you on?
That way you don’t scar the young writers on here. But however you’d like to address that is fine.

Continuing on, I’d like to say that I’m intrigued by your formatting. Whenever anything’s listens like this, it reminds me of Safeway of grief and such, which is a cool aspect to get readers to think as well. I like how you did the steps, but I’m unsure about the prologue.

It would have been interesting to see a glimpse into that conversation that the narrator described, since it would have given you an opportunity to allow for nuances to aid you in getting your message out here. Don’t mean to sound redundant, but it would have been cool to see more showing how people don’t really speak their minds, instead of just being told that.

Overall, I think you have some potential in this idea, but I’d recommend you imply your theme rather then just laying it out in the prologue. I’d love to see more “personal” conversations l, like I had stated before, just to see a little insight into not only your message, but also the narrator themself.

My personal reaction to this is that, yes, it’s sad how artificial some conversations may be. I don’t think that all talking is meaningless though; it matters on exactly who you’re soeaking with, and what you’re talking about. Social media doesn’t help that situation, but hopefully someday down the line, people can start putting more effort and emotions into communication.

I hope this helped and thanks for the interesting read!




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Sun Apr 15, 2018 7:27 pm
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manilla wrote a review...



Hi, Manilla here for a review as requested.

Main Point: For me, it wasn't very clear for me in the dialogue streams, but in the prose section (first part) of your story, it was. You seem to be getting at the usage of words and...Friends getting in a fight? Your first part was great, though! I enjoyed the narrator's understanding of "listening between the lines" through the high class event they put up with. You should write a continuation of that - I'm sure we'd enjoy it.

My only main punctuation nitpick for you is just that you forget commas occasionally, but that's not too major. Don't forget to make sure you're getting your point across, too! The technical skill of your prose is wonderful - Remember that.

Nobu covered a lot of my other points, so I'm running out of things to say.

I guess...That's it?

-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comments you deem unhelpful or rude. They were not intentional.)




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Tue Apr 10, 2018 1:17 am
Nobunaga wrote a review...



Hello! I am here as requested!

I feel like you were trying to articulate a very specific point here. From what I understand, this is a study on communication and the disappointment of never being able to convey exactly what you mean to. I've gotta say, on that note, I relate so completely. Like, whenever I'm arguing talking with my boyfriend I can't ever say what I'm thinking with the right words. It's very frustrating to feel like you're constantly misunderstood or misinterpreted. I'm never read anything that sought to explain this. That's really cool.

With that in mind, I'm not sure if this was meant to be satire... The piece itself was very confusing to read and hard to understand. A part of me feels like this was on purpose, but another part of me doesn't. You use extremely purple prose as well as vague dialogue. I can understand that some parts of this - maybe - are intentionally "confusing". The dialogue, for example, is presented with no context or setting. I actually liked that! I can't explain it really - lol - but I really enjoyed simply reading the dialogue and having the conversation presented to me as-is. It made me feel like I was spying on something intimate, like I was listening at the door of a therapist's office.

However, overall, I found the person speaking without quotes to be just... unnecessarily long-winded and vague. Like they were being confusing on purpose.

Part 3 is a perfect example of this. Specifically, this part

“Well you’re lying aren’t you.”

I guess

“So how can I believe you.”

You have to think about what I’m saying.


What do they mean by that last line? It just doesn't make any sense to me. And I feel silly for saying that, but I honestly don't understand the conversational flow of this quote. Saying "You have to think about what I'm saying" in response to the person asking how they could believe them if they're lying is just... what? I would really suggest stepping away from your piece as the author, saying these conversational lines out loud, and really evaluating if they are believable as an actual conversation.

Moving on, I mentioned purple prose earlier. This is mainly directed towards your prologue. Basically, so that I don't ramble, "cantaloupe lips" is a weird description, and not everything has to be prefaced by some magnificent adjective. It seems as if you went flipping through a thesaurus as you were writing this.

Also, on the subject of your prologue, I'm not sure how it ties in with the rest of the piece. I don't see the correlation there.

I did like the way the person speaking with quotations would say things like "Should we just get some coffee?" as a closer to the conversation. I found that very grounding and it was almost like a snap back to reality after all the philosophical talk.

As a whole, I enjoyed this! I really did! It was just those problems I mentioned earlier that kept me from becoming fully immersed in your work. My main suggestion would be to tone it down a little with the vagueness and the overuse of adjectives. Anyway, I hope I helped!




eiaeh9 says...


Thanks so much for this. In the prologue I was trying to be fairly poetic but I completely understand what you mean when I use too many adjectives. The prologue was also supposed to be a short descriptive piece to understand the thought process of the narrator plus a small internal monologue type thing to get the general gist of the philosophy behind the piece but it was quite hard to do this without just giving it away, which isn%u2019t the point. I was finding it really hard to clear it up as it all made sense so thanks so much for explaining clearly what you found confusing.



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Mon Apr 09, 2018 6:19 pm
eiaeh9 says...







I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights