I watched his mouth as he spoke. His lips parted and closed as his orotund words fled out of his jaws like ballerinas do the wings. I wondered what he was thinking. His aquatic eyes flickered sideways as I looked up at them, they always did.
I began to speak. My honeyed prose dripped effortlessly onto the marble staircase, the sound entered none but his ears, as we made our way down to the grand hall. We were a charmed couple. Our hands intertwined as our poetic conversing came to an end. The words we had spoken were left behind, never to be heard in that exact order again. I found that intriguing.
I looked ahead. The hall, full of prestigious individuals, was packed full of deceitful speech. The charity gala was packed full of liars and the words that came out of them. I watched as a women spoke, her chest heaved up and down as she uttered the words she had been fed. I noticed a man telling a story, he was laughing as his witty anecdote formed, an unoriginal narrative that could never be fully appreciated for he could never truly convey the image in his mind, and therefore the laughter that ensued was false.
But these liars weren’t the malevolent ones. No, these were the ignorant ones. Ignorant of the fact that all words, speech, verse, discourse is deceitful, there aren’t enough words to manifest the picture of our mind. And our mind is jumbled, thoughts come and go, they are the truth, and can to no extent be expressed. And so we go on, and no one knows us, the words won’t allow it.
It’s hard to understand, I thought in this grand hall, at this singular moment, it’s hard to think about all the conversations you’ve had. All the things you wish you could’ve said but don’t really know how. And further even how pointless all these conversations were in the big scheme of existence.
Part 1 - Anger
It doesn’t feel right.
“What doesn’t feel right?”The big words. The small words. All the words. Speaking.
“You’re not making any sense, are you high?”
What? No. Of course not.
“Then what are you trying to say”I am trying to say so much. I just don’t know how to say it.
“I know you’re failing English language. But it’s not that deep.”
It’s not that, oh god, it’s really not that. Do you realise how trivial that is?
No. School, examinations, the superiority of adults imposed on children by forcing them to meaningless tests. All of it.
“Is this because of your biology result?”
No. It’s not. Will you please understand what I’m saying?
“No. Dude, its 3 am and I’m off my face.”
Part 2 - Acceptance
“Are you OK?”
“So are you going to answer my question?”
Um, yeah - what was it?
“What do you do in your spare time?
I distract myself.
You know, thinking.
“Why do you do that?”
Because I would never be able to say what I thought.
“Well, that’s what I’m here for.”
I mean yeah, on a very inconsequential level.
“What do you mean?”
Well, no one can ever really talk.
“I’m sorry? What?”
No one can say exactly what they are thinking so what is the point at all?
“I think we are going to need another session.”
Part 3 - Teaching
“So you are trying to tell me that we are all liars?”
Do you believe me?
“Well you’re lying aren’t you.”
“So how can I believe you. This is too complicated.”
Think of words as prompts, they guide you to the right conclusion.
But there aren’t enough words to allow you to get to the full right conclusion.
“I still don’t understand how I’m supposed to understand this if everything you say is a lie.”
Because everything I’m saying is only partially true.
“Should we just get some coffee?”
Part 4 - Questioning
“You’re wrong, you can’t possibly be right”
Well, how do you explain the fact people always get the wrong impression.
“That’s not a psychological and philosophical flaw in society, that's just people not thinking enough.”
But that example is the simplest form.
“So tell me how it gets more complex.”
Think when you are telling a story.
And you are picturing it in your head.
Nobody is picturing it the same way as you are.
“Well, that’s a given.”
That’s how everything works.
“What do you mean?”
Everything you say - everything, is misinterpreted, miscalculated and their interpretation of you is entirely wrong.
“I guess, I still don’t get your point.”
This is so typical of you! You never listen to me, oh my god. You are so, so selfish.
“Calm down. This is a small issue that shouldn’t get between us.”
Part 5 - Loneliness
I feel so alone. I have felt like this for a long time. I know that and yet the tears that I am afraid to cry, the puddles I know I can’t create are so eminent, so near. This self-inflicted isolation, knowing I am wrong but still feeling so strong that something is wrong. Like atheists can’t believe in god, I could never imagine a world in which I’m not secluded from everyone else's way of life.
“Man, you’re so wrecked. What the fuck are you on?”