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Memorizing Fields and Figures

by ForeverFlying

I look at you the way one might 

look at the stars, or a sunset.

But would you know?

For I shall spend hours grazing each delicate blade of grass 

with gentle finger tips, learning each blades name and soaking 

in the smell of the morning, tasting the dew with my toes. 

And I will do my best 

to remember the fresh fields, the same as I may wish to plant

the picture of your face into my mind. 

Numerous letters to you are created in the depths of 

my head, ones never to be delivered by tounge,

but instead tossed away and forgotten as days pass on

and the time I spend in these grassy patches multiply.

With curious eyes I

inspect your fragile frame decorated with wounds

created by the cruel part of the world.

I long for the time in this busy life, where I am able to memorize

your face and figure the same way I have memorized the grass.

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1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Tue Sep 26, 2017 2:35 pm
Kale wrote a review...

Hello there and happy RevMo (even if I am a bit late to the reviewing party)! I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here today to review you.

With that said, first impressions first, I noticed that the lines of your poem are quite a bit spaced out, and it looks like you've run into a formatting snafu with the text editor. There are a few ways to fix this, and this article goes over multiple methods in-depth, though this one is also really good.

It might seem like a little thing, but fixing up the spacing of your poem will really help make a solid first impression, and as we readers are fickle creatures, first impressions are quite important.

Which brings me to the title. "Memorizing Fields and Figures" made me hope that this was a sciencey poem because fields and figures have different meanings in the sciences, and I am a sucker for both sciencey poems and multiple layers of meaning, so I was a bit disappointed that this poem wasn't either, though that's no fault of the poem.

(If you do decide to write a poem around the different meanings of fields and figures and sciencey things, let me know because I will love you forever.)

With that all said, the poem overall felt a bit weak, and I suspect it has to do with the ending where you call upon the rather cliched "object of love being wounded by the cruel, cruel world" concept that pervades a lot of romantic media. Up until that point, you were working towards some interesting plays on some equally cliched concepts (I particularly liked the planting images one), and they were all related to growing and plants, which made the jump to wounds and cruelty all the more jarring.

I'd recommend focusing your images and ideas more around the theme of plantlife you already have going, and playing around a bit more with them so that your plays on the more cliched turns of phrase are a bit more creative. As it is, this poem shows a start towards a more unique piece, but it could use more work and development to make it stand more strongly on its own instead of relying so heavily on cliched concepts.

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1079 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 1079

Mon Sep 25, 2017 11:29 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...

Hi there ForeverFlying. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on this exceptional Monday night seeing that this is in the Green Room and I'm looking to review. That being said, I wanted to give you a warm welcome to YWS! If you ever have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me or any other names in green or red. Now that we've acquaintanced ourselves a little bit better, let's cut to the chase and jump right in, shall we?

I already attempted reviewing this once before but my review ended up being deleted because I accidentally misclicked out of the first tab (the one that I use to write the review in while in the other I read the poem and copy and paste) which I ended up being upset over for a couple of minutes but I'm ready to repeat what I already said before so let's start by taking a look at the first three lines.

I look at you the way one might

look at the stars, or a sunset.

But would you know?

Looking at these first three lines while the lines are fine and there's not all that much that can be added to pack more of a punch and instead this is more of an opening that isn't quite soft but isn't quite packing the emotional weight or strength that other poems may. Neither delicate nor a punch to the gut but what I do want to talk about and critique is the flow of these first three lines. I'm going to suggest taking out the period at the end of the second line or on the other hand there's the chance for a second possibility which is to take out 'but' at the beginning of the third line.

The problem that stands here now is that the word 'but' is a S.T.A.B. word and the definition is: essentially a word that is usually supposed to be used to connect an independent clause to a dependent clause. These words are So, To, And, But/Because and you can see why they're all on the list. There's the option of removing the word 'but' in the third line for this reason or going with the first route that I suggested and connecting the second line to the third line and taking out that period and placing a comma there instead. That being said, I wanted to point out the eighth line. The eighth line begins with the word 'and' and believe it or not, I'm completely okay with that.

There are exceptions to the rule of S.T.A.B. that are far and few between but basically taking these words out can also help the flow but the eighth line is a rare example of 'and' beginning a line done right. I wanted to also point out the fact that the word 'tongue' is spelled wrong in line eleven and my overall thoughts on the poem are that while the imagery is interesting I found this could've held a bit more direction or to be more specific, structure? The themes are clear by the end of the poem but I'm going to suggest breaking this up into stanzas (if you hadn't already and your formatting wasn't messed up by the Publishing Center and if so, give me a moment and I'll get into that).

Since the Publishing Center is odd and messes up the formatting of poetry a lot of the time if the author is copying and pasting instead of screenshotting their poem (this is the first way that you're able to make your poetry look the way you want it to). With screenshotting you can basically open up whatever software or program or document is used to write the poetry, screenshot and crop out all that extra stuff around the poem although I tend to take the second route which is formatting manually. You can line all the lines up in a stanza and then hit shift+enter where you want the line breaks to be but finally if all of those are seeming a little confusing there's always this lovely article in the Knowledge Base written by Aley on formatting poetry in the Publishing Center. Overall, interesting and solid piece although there are places that can be strengthened with editing!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.




Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
— Lemony Snicket