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Young Writers Society


12+

Elderwood Chapter 1: Part 1

by dalisay


I remember my mother telling me, “Rayna, in this world there is good and there is evil.  There is no in between.”

Somehow, I saw straight through her.  Her tone and attitude about my beliefs made me sense a hint of doubt in her voice.  I remember thinking to myself how ridiculous that sounded. 

As an inquisitive child, I asked her, “How can there be no balance? How can you control the darkness without light? How is their light if there is no darkness?  Shadows do not exist without light. Beams do not shine without the dark. They should be working together to create harmony, not separated and kept in balance alone. It simply isn’t possible."

She simply never had an answer.  Each time I questioned it, I was shrugged off and the topic was avoided.  She would sweat and look away from me as if she were hiding something.  I was too young to see that so I shrugged it off too.

 Despite her different morals, she was a wonderful mother to me. I blame it on the Elders, embedding in the young elves head that darkness is evil and should be avoided. I always looked at them and questioned their reasoning. And the same result always came about with my father having to take me home from the library.

“Father, they just don’t understand!” His grip around my hand would tighten inside his rigid hands. They were hands of a true leader, firm in what they stood for. “Rayna! Enough of this interrogation! You are constantly questioning some of the smartest beings in all of Tarron. You claim to know more than them?!” His eyes were clearly frustrated as I wept. My childish whining would continue everyday as my father drug me to my chambers, demanding that I sit in silence and read the books I was given. Every time now, that old cedar wood door closes, I still hear inside my head my father’s sighs in frustration and my mother’s weeping.

“What a stubborn girl she is! No matter how many times she is thrown in her chambers, she still finds the audacity to question the logic of her superiors!” My mother would weep harder the more my father would yell. His yells reverberated against the walls of my room, reminding me of his power. My mother’s soft, consoling voice was constantly overpowered with his booming cries of anger. I didn’t mind, in fact, it only drove me more to stand up for what I believed in just like my father. I wanted to be powerful and preach to the people of Alderheart that there can be balance in the hands of good. The Elders were just too simple minded to allow me to speak my mind. I was determined to prove to them, and my father, that it was possible.

I thought, being the only heir to the throne, my voice would be louder. But my voice was almost a whisper to my father. The only one who heard it was my mother, Rosemarie Elderwood. When I was a child, I remember loving to sit by her bed, her feminine hands rubbing my back as she read me stories. Her voice was almost as beautiful as she was. Everyone in Alderheart knew of my mother's beauty. Her pale rose hair combined with her hazy blue eyes made every elven man envyed my father. However, I most admired her beautiful personality. My mother was, and still is the most humble queen Alderheart has ever had. Her humble nature and her admiration for her kind made everyone have a peace of mind as they slept in our village, for they knew they were in her and my father’s hands.

My father was a force to be reckoned with, being he was a powerful being. He was firm in his beliefs and saw a direct future for our village. Unlike my mother, he was always a man known to have sharp, sophisticated features. I always laughed as a child when I noticed my father’s hair was much longer than my mother’s short rose hair. He always stood tall and raise his voice when he spoke to provide emphasis. It made the people have a respectable fear of him. Somehow, he never struck fear in me rather, he inspired me to be as strong as him. I was the annoying child who followed my father to speeches and spied on meetings held in our dining hall.

I always admired our villages charm because of its charm and beauty at night. The town square lights shone the brightest at dusk from my chamber window. I remember asking my mother how they shone so bright. She told me, “They are filled with shimmerstone. It’s a mineral only found at the heart of Alderheart for it only grows where evil is not. I looked down at her soft hands to see a small jar full of a bright, glowing stone. The light inside me decided to burst when I asked, “But why does it shine brightest right as the sun goes down?” Her eyes widened as they diverted to my window. She placed her hands on the ledge and gazed down at the town. Her eyes soon turned into awe as she admired the beauty I saw.

I walked over to her and tugged on her royal blue dress. The silk tickled my hand as she knelt down, “Yes Rayna, what is it?” I pulled closer to her ear and whispered, “I know why…” My mother giggled at my innocent voice and played along. Her breath in my ears echoed a sweet melody, “Why do they shine so bright Rayna?”

“Because all lights shine brighter where there is darkness.”

She instantly pulled away at the sound of my father’s knocking on the door. She looked down at me and pressed her finger to her lips, “Do not repeat that. Please Rayna…” I went to retaliate, but I stopped myself. For once in my life, I decided not to speak my mind. Why?

I always thought it was just me trying to protect my mother. If father knew what we spoke about that night in my chambers, he would never forgive her for allowing my ignorant mind to wander to darkness. But no matter how many times from that day forward that I tried to dismiss my thoughts, they always came back. In my reading, in my studying and in my dreams they almost haunted me. The more I grew, the stronger these dreams got.

The most memorable dream I had was of two wolves chasing each other in a forest. One was a wolf whiter than snow, the other was a wolf as black as night. They were chasing each other in a circle. Over and over, they never caught up to each other. They weren’t trying to catch each other, but rather they were creating a cycle. A never ending cycle of light and dark chasing each other. I told my mother of this reoccurring dream, but she implored me to dismiss it and focus on my studies. And so I tried to ignore my passion for the justice of the darkness and the light coming together. I tried to tell myself that there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Year after year though, these thoughts grew louder and louder. Until the day of my 18th birthday…

...

“Rayna!” I heard my name coming from the dining hall. One of the maids motioned me to hurry up and head to my mother, patiently waiting for my appearance. The 18th birthday for a princess was always a great deal to the village, for it meant I was finally becoming a woman.

My voice would finally be heard.

I quickly checked my neatly braided hair. One of my favorite maids, Elaine, loved to dress me as if I were her own. Not many of the maids in the castle were married, allowing them to work full time and live in the maid house. I made it a point to always thank them and treat them with the utmost respect.

“Thank you, Elaine. It looks beautiful.” I said, admiring my reflection in the large floor mirror, embellished with a gold trim.

“You look like an absolute jewel my sweet Rayna. It saddens me to see you grow so fast. Why, I remember when you were a little girl as if it were yesterday.” Elaine wiped a tear with her white handkerchief and pat me on the shoulder.

“You shouldn’t keep your mother waiting. You know how excited she is to see your new dress.”

I nodded and embraced Elaine, “Thank you. For everything.”

She took a deep breath and turned me around, “Now, go!” I too breathed in and emerged from the double doors into the dining hall. My mother, waiting by the main entrance, smiled over at me. With her hands placed elegantly on her cheek as she cried, “My my! Rayna you look like a true princess!” I smiled silently and slowly walked over to her. I maintained my posture to add to my elegance. However, my mother was by far the most elegant woman to walk Tarron. Her posture was excellent and her voice was that of an angel. I strived to be a woman like my mother.

“Thank you mother. Elaine picked this dress out. I think it suits me well, don’t you think?” I twirled the large purple dress, the deep ruffles dancing under the chandelier. She laughed at my attempt to be ladylike and placed her soft hands on my shoulders, “You will do fine. Any daughter of mine will make a fine queen.” I smiled sadly, “Yes mother.” She looked around for my father as she leaned into me, “No matter what you decide to do, I will make sure you are safe.” I looked into her eyes with confusion, “What do you mean?”

She sighed, “I know you don’t want to do this yet. And technically, you could decide not to take the throne. I just hope you do what is best for you and Alderheart. Our village is looking to you. Soon, your father and I won’t be here to hold your hand.”

I looked down, “No matter what I choose, once you and father pass, I will be forced to take the throne as the only heir.” She whispered into my ear, “Well then, what’s the rush to do it today?” Before I could question her meaning, my father’s footsteps echoed in the room. The marble clicking against his shoes filled my heart with sudden panic, something I rarely felt before.


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Fri May 05, 2017 1:23 am
NympheaLily wrote a review...



Top of the morning to you, NympheaLily here!
Oh man, it's been so long since I've been active on this website! Love that this particular story caught my eye and inspired me to get back on. Anyway, enough about me, let's talk review!

Love this beginning part! It's very intriguing and makes me want to find out more about the story as you post. The family drama gives the audience something else to hold onto as a sort of conflict type deal; maybe one of the many that give your main character's actions reasons to come to fruition. It also gives some of that cliche princess drama as well which isn't always a bad thing. Everyone loves a good, strong female character who also happens to be royalty. Although, some may prefer a peasant, however, I'm indifferent so who cares!

Now time for the nitty gritty.

"Thinking to myself, “How can there be no balance? How can you control the darkness without light? How is their light if there is no darkness?” "
-This kind of contradicts from the first statement that her mother made. She said (and I quote) "... in this world there is good and there is evil. There is no in between.” which gives the impression that there is good and there is evil, there are just no gray spots in between.

"His grip around my hand would tighten inside his rigid hands."
-This sentence is a tad confusing. Mind shaking it up a bit??

"My childish whining would continue everyday as my father drug me to my chambers"
-I don't think drug is the proper tense of the verb. I did see other people commented on this as well, so I don't think this is new. And also, 'everyday' should have space in between the words.

"“Because all lights shine brighter where there is darkness.”... “Do not repeat that. Please Rayna…”
-Why is this a thing? Why doesn't she want her daughter to repeat those charming words? GiVe mE anSWeRs.

I think that's enough for now. I thought the story was super intriguing and I would love to hear more and review them! I want to know what happens next! I cannot wait until the next chapter! Until then, keep up the good work and as always, KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily




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Thu May 04, 2017 8:08 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey there, nit-picks first:

I didn't believe those were her true words reflecting her emotions.

This seems a bit technical for something that the character seems to be saying directly to the reader. It would sound more natural if it was something like "I don't think she ever really believed that", which is more like something someone would say to someone they were casually telling a story to.[/quote]

“How can there be no balance? How can you control the darkness without light? How is their light if there is no darkness?”

This was confusing because you have the same formatting for your speech and your thoughts. Italics is usually what's used for thoughts.

Despite her different morals, she was a wonderful mother to me.

This should be a different paragraph. I really like the sentences just after this btw, good worldbuilding.

His grip around my hand would tighten inside his rigid hands.

This sentence doesn't make sense because it sounds like his grip is tightening inside his hands.

as my father drug me to my chambers

the past tense of "drag" is "dragged"

made every elven man envyed


being he was a powerful being

this is a bit repetitive which makes it jarring. You could just take a new sentence as "He was a powerful being".

admired our villages charm because of its charm and beauty at night

villages should be village's and you shouldn't have charm twice in such close proximity

reoccurring dream

it's just recurring

Overall:

Character: So, by the end of this, I have a good sense of both your main character and her parents. But you have done this by just telling me about them for most of them, which feels quite informative and is not as entertaining as it could be. I also don't get enough of an understand of Elaine because she's introduced so quickly before the emotional moment. My recommendation is that you have Rayna have a conversation with Elaine. Some of this information about the characters would come out in the conversation itself, but you could intersperse it with her thoughts to fill the gaps. It could also be emotionally charged so that I am invested in the characters when they have their moment.

Setting: This is done much more subtly with a good spacing out of details.

Plot: I feel like a lot of this is backstory that I want to learn gradually as the story goes on. I'm intrigued by the ending, but I'd feel more intrigued if there were more things I wanted to know, which I currently don't, because you've told me so much xD

Flow: Other than my nit-picks and the fact that it feels a bit factual, flow was good.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

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dalisay says...


Thank you for the review! I'm glad you gave me such good feedback!



ExOmelas says...


You're welcome :)



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Thu May 04, 2017 8:03 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello Galaxy! I'm dropping by for a review on this chapter.

Have you heard of the phrase "kill your darlings"? It means to take out parts of the story that are unnecessary but you love. It includes tossing away scenes bubbling with lovely prose and descriptions. The first half here is interesting and the characters are rooted there--but it's just backstory. By now, I think you know what I mean: that the first half, whether it's interesting or not, is just backstory and not necessary in chapter one. Just starting with Rayna's 18th birthday would be good enough. I think the details can be woven into the narrative.

For example, the “Because all lights shine brighter where there is darkness" part can be included in Rayna's private conversations with her mother. Such as her mentioning a dream she recently had and her mother frantically hushing her.

Another thing I want to point out is that the dialogue is crammed into a few paragraphs. A rule when writing is to start a new line whenever somebody new speaks. For example,

I looked down, “No matter what I choose, once you and father pass, I will be forced to take the throne as the only heir.” She whispered into my ear, “Well then, what’s the rush to do it today?” Before I could question her meaning, my father’s footsteps echoed in the room. The marble clicking against his shoes filled my heart with sudden panic, something I rarely felt before.


can be rewritten as

I looked down, “No matter what I choose, once you and father pass, I will be forced to take the throne as the only heir.”

She whispered into my ear, “Well then, what’s the rush to do it today?”

Before I could question her meaning, my father’s footsteps echoed in the room. The marble clicking against his shoes filled my heart with sudden panic, something I rarely felt before.


I see an air of mystery here and it intrigues me. This father is a rather creepy character and I wonder if he is the villain of the story! I'm interested enough to read on, and feel free to tag me if you have a new chapter! I may not promise a review for every chapter, but I'll always be lurking. :D

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dalisay says...


*laughs evilly* you will find out one day

Also, thanks for the helpful review <3




An existential crisis a day keeps the writer's block away <3
— LadyBug