z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Second Piece of Papers

by Elijah


  • /random thingy that surely will turn out to be nothing but I had fun, you can of course say what you dis/like/

March 23

12:32

Page twenty four of thirty.

Spring break. Last year. Weirdly his last memory of himself the way he was before as well. A cloudy reflection. Like a faculty that was coming back to him each time the sun left the skyfield. But those shining stars reminded him of the ones on his old bedroom's ceiling. As the nerd he was back then, he had put thousands of posters in that room which could fit in only one small bed and a desk, maybe a chair. And he loved to read poetry-

So please him with that.

The last sentence was cut off and continued in a different manner. "He had stars on his ceiling, the same as me as a child," said the doctor, forgetting that he was doing his job, or he needed to do it. "Well, reading his diary or not makes no difference for me. For now it does not give me any kind of clue. The only thing I can find not orderly is that he is using third prespective." A sign of no hope was found in what he had said. The notes made no sense at least for Dr. Miller who re-read that single part multiple times. Maybe he needed to leave that one child to someone else then. Him but not the mother. 

He really had no time to think of what might be in the head of this child. His diary was just papers put together with a roses on the front page, drawn with a crayon. The doctor left the notes and walked away towards the door.

7:02

The hospital he was working in was small but it was like his second home. Miller loved kids and most of his patients were exactly that, small and energetic youthful ones who sometimes did not know when to stop fooling around the doctor.

The handwatch on his wrist showed, reminding him how wasteful of his time he could be if he did not stay focused. A young lady had come that morning to stay, being in risky state. Not like it was so much different from other patients. No one expected a person below the age of fifty or over above to have her problems. But who listened to the predictions of humans, the illness has its own way.

First, they could not tell what was going on with her because a coma was something that could lead to many things, none of them good. They needed a clue from somewhere. Poisoning was one of the choices, as well with other kind of traumas from her past, and diseases connected with her nervous system. Nothing from the short life of hers did make any doctor or nurse think of a solution. A medical history check was already performed.  But Miller passed through her papers again, stopping mid-way and realizing he had missed one very important part. He was so lost those days, missing the most needed information.

"She has kidney problems?" 

"Yes but it was last recorded four years ago and no medications had been sent to her since then," One of the nurses, a woman with crosses arms and pithy figure, mentioned right after the doctor's question. "But I guess each thing is important?" 

Captious. You could actually not hide that paper under your armpit.

That lady knew how to push his buttons and not in the good way. She was new, Rose or whatever, even if he was kind..he did not care. Spontaneous and not thinking of what may her words sound like, what a child. But it was not anything connected with him, he bared her like one more stone on his shoulders. So many more important things to think about.

"Anyways," Miller stood up, nurses and doctors doing same, the talk for today was over. "We all have more than enough work for ourselves. I am her main doctor and I will do my best, if you find something that I have not, inform me. That is all. Hope today goes well." He left the stack of papers with medical history down on his desk, each other person going out of their meeting room. It was not that much of a room, several desks and a bit too much chairs. Nurses came in only when called and doctors rested there, the only ten minutes they had in between a surgery or a talk with another patient. Miller felt like the oldest in that hospital, everyone relying on him. He was one of the youngest though, there only from four soon-to-be five years. Only twenty seven.

12:54

He went out of the room, locking the door, no one was allowed in. Ten minutes after his took off, a low noise was heard from behind the curtains. Behind all the chairs. A small child peeked to check if anyone is present in that room together with him, but a smile appeared on its face when he head no other's steps. It only rushed to take the small diary which was open on the last pages.

It was not his.


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81 Reviews


Points: 2620
Reviews: 81

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 3:17 pm
skylnn00writes wrote a review...



I like the idea of the times. It's kind of rare to find pieces like this.

"Page twenty four of thirty" I think you can remove this

"Spring break. Last year." Maybe you should make this flow more by writing "spring break of last year"

In the first paragraph, there are a lot of choppy sentences. I am actually kind of lost... I haven't been able to find the purpose of the story or what is happening actually. The doctor character seemed kind of random to me and the whole diary in the begging I is confusing. "Put together with a roses on the front page" should either change to "with a rose on the front page" or "with roses on the front page"

Did the point of view change by 7:02?

Are they in a regular hospital, or a hospital for the mentally ill?

"The handwatch on his wrist showed," you didn't put a time after it, and I think you should whether it is 7:02 like I believe it should be or not. "Or over above" take out the above.

"As well with other..." change it to "as well as with other" so that it makes more sense. Also "with other kinds" add the s after kind

"Already performed. But miller" put "performed, but Miller"

"Woman with crosses arms" change crosses to crossed

"Spontaneous and not thinking of what May her words sound like" should gramatically be "not thinking of what her words may sound like"

"Nurses and doctors doing same" maybe you should change to "nurses and doctors following"

"It was not that much of a room, several desks..." better wording would be "not much of a room, consisting of only a few desks and too many chairs"

The last sentence before 12:54 makes no sense with the random years. I do not understand what it's significance is.

This story has potential in its plot, but I think it needs revising because I was very confused while I was reading it. It just needs some revising. I hope my suggestions above are helpful and I hope I can read a revised part soon. You are good at writing so do not get discouraged :smt001




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276 Reviews


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Reviews: 276

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Thu Feb 16, 2017 11:44 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Good afternoon, Elijah! (well, its afternoon over here at least...) Yes, you do have a review for this piece of yours. Be excited.
I'll be honest with you here. The beginning confused me so, so much but... then you expounded and I am not as confused. This is certainly very mysterious and intriguing! I'm a little curious to see how this story's going to play out but for right now I'm reviewing this and must stay on track.

The Story

You begin with a date and a diary entry. Simple enough. Then, the doctor speaks. Does he talk to himself or was there someone else in that room? You give the impression of the latter but don't say who it was or anything about that person.

Maybe he needed to leave that one child to someone else then. Him but not the mother.


This lit a question mark over my head. He needed to leave the child (not "one" child) to someone else. Ok. So leave the child to "Him" (Dr. Miller) but not the mother. WHAAAT?! You just said he needed to leave this kid to another human being. Maybe I have it wrong. Maybe "Him" is a very significant person who is NOT the doctor. But... who? You must clarify this!
I won't say anything about the mother. I'm hoping you'll explain this woman later on.

Now, onto the last part. (The middle, I thought, didn't have much importance). So, let me get this straight. You begin with the doctor reading a diary then, you jump backwards to Hours Earlier. Besides the doctor checking his watch at 10:30, this is all we know of the time. Which is a problem. We don't know when the doctor reads the diary (only that it is after 10:30) and we don't know when the little snitcher runs off with it. However, we do know that you kept this thief as a part of the section titled Hours Earlier. This creates a problem. The boy runs off with the diary Hours Earlier yet, the doctor reads it hours later. I'm sure this is probably not what you intended but my advice here is if you're going to have time as a crucial key in this story, you need to make clear what happens when.

I honestly know next to nothing when it comes to the medical business so when you started talking about the coma and this young woman's risky state, it was ALL over my head. But. I did think it strange the doctor overlooked her kidney problems. If everyone's relying on him and he's as responsible as they think... shouldn't he know to look for stuff like that? Well, not like I know what I'm talking about!

And my last issue: Why was this man, of all people reading the diary? He's not a detective or a Private Investigator! Just a (apparent) children's doctor. Suspicious much?

The Grammar

I know some people get irritated when it comes to this part but you had a lot of errors here and I thought I'd point out some, if that's alright. I understand if you just typed this out in two seconds, its hard; I'll just give you a few pointers.

Ten thirty.
The handwatch on his wrist showed, reminding him...


I don't know why you put these as two separate sentences. They need to be together. When I first read it, I thought you were going to divide the story up into little time frames, due to this. But that second sentence there does not stand by itself without the "Ten thirty" part added to it.

A young lady had come that morning to stay, being in risky state.



This is an awkward structure... Inserting an a between the "being" and "in" would help but I a-thinkin' that here you could merely say something such as this: A young lady, in a risky state, had come that morning to stay". Not like you MUST and ONLY must use my example. x D [Note: the following sentence should probably say *she* instead of "it"]

No one expected no one below the age of fifty or (over above) to have her problems. But no one listen to the predictions of the humans, the illness has its own way.


Now this, my friend, is a problem. There's too many "No one's", to begin with. You could probably get away with saying "anyone" or another word like that to replace the "no one" I crossed out. As for the words in parentheses, well, they made no sense to me. Because I do expect people over (not "over above) to have problems. Onto the 2nd sentence: "listen" should be "listened", also you could probably take that "the" out. My Suggestion: put a semi-colon instead of the comma after "humans" and change "has" to "had". That will hopefully make for a better read.

First, they could not tell what was going on with her because coma was something that could lead to many things, none of them good.


I'm pretty sure not many people just say "coma" so maybe... a coma, here? Also: after that "things," I'd say and none of them were good."




Elijah says...


Thanks for the review! I will try to edit it when I am on the laptop. I know that it is pretty much worthless story. %uD83D%uDE02



rosette says...


Oh no, no. This is not a worthless story! An edit would be good, yes, and that would help clean it up. But this has potential for great things!



Elijah says...


You are kind!




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