In the Absence of Stars - 2.5

Hey there! How about a review this lovely day? I haven't read previous parts so hopefully this will go alright.

I really liked this, actually. Your characters seem to know what they're doing, and they actually act like real people, and there's definitely a lot of things that I want to know about- which is good, because that's what keeps people reading. I like the MC, too. She seems down-to-earth and she has a sort of dry-humour that I find quite funny. For instance, this line:

I'm quick to pick up a staring contest with a glass-eyed fish on the wall behind him.

I love the whole staring contest with the fish throughout the boat scene. It's interesting because a lot of writers tend to have their characters just watch the people talking, and look around every once in awhile, but the fish thing was really entertaining and it we still could tell what was going on, so it was just fine.

I almost died.

Did she, though? Yes, she had a gun pointed at her head- but, I don't know about the MC but my impression of Cat was that he's pretty chill, unless provoked, and I don't know, I just got the impression that he was... safe? I wasn't worried at all when he pointed the gun at her head... which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. If you were going for him being a "safe" character, then that's good, but if you wanted us to be a bit worried in that scene, it didn't work. I mostly found it interesting because we got to learn a bit more about how your MC deals with stressful situations.

One thing that I think you could work on, is your imagery! I didn't really have a clear image in my head of any of the settings that we went through while I was reading this- except the boat; I got a pretty good image of that. But why's that? You certainly used descriptions, but descriptions sort of tell us what it's like, but doesn't allow us to really imagine it for everything that you want it to be. There's a quote that Morri has in her signature, that I often think about when I think about imagery:

Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.

And that is apparently a quote by Anton Chekhov. I can't think of a better way to describe imagery, really. Try to show us things in a way that will make our ears perk and our eyes chase the letters. And if you don't already, I suggest you start writing some poetry; I've found it really helped me improve my writing in all kinds of ways, including imagery.

I really hope you keep writing this! It seems like a great story, and I think you're off to a fabulous start! Keep it up, my friend! C:

-Socks

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.

Nit-picks

The barrel of a steely gun is pointed right at my head. Cat's hand isn't even shaking.

Dear God in Heaven—how am I supposed to pray about something like this? I was stupid to have trusted him, stupid to have agreed to let him drive me. I should have taken the car this morning and left on my own. Learning how to drive couldn't be that hard.

I lost sight of what I was trying to achieve, and as punishment, I'm going to die.

I draw in a sharp breath and look away from the gun. I don't want to be like my father, staring my killer in the face until the moment he pulls the trigger. I don't want to be so weak that I can't look away; I'm better than that. I'm not afraid to die—like hell, of course I'm afraid to die—hell, I can't even look over at him.

Who do I think I am, trying to do what my father couldn't?

Metal rattles against wood, and I look up to see Cat's hands empty and Buff turning back from the bar, his face spread in an uneasy smile.

I feel like you could have dragged out the suspense here a lot more. You did a pretty good job for the most part, but I still think you could drag it out a bit more. Also, great job on explaining her back story a bit more. That was done really well.

[/quote] I don't want to ask what Cat's real business is; that'll just slow us down.[/quote] I can't wait to find out what his business is. This one of those things that you put into a story to encourage the reader to continue reading. Put more of these in and you'll have a much more interesting plot.

Grammar and Punctuation

Some day, when I have my own place, I'll have to take decorating tips from this

"Some day" is one word.

He's not the guy who's driving me any more.

"any more" is one word.


Overall thoughts

Story plot: Okay so the story plot is actually getting a bit more interesting. I look forward to finding out more about Cat's really goal and how it will affect Seven.

Characters: I can't believe Cat actually held Seven at gun point. I don't care what the reason was for, that was mean. I'm starting to get interested in Cat. He seems to be a fairly dynamic character. You also gave Seven quite a bit of back story in this. That was a great way to add more dimension to her character.

Description: You description has improved enormously from your first chapter and I actually really enjoyed your description of the seaside. The description of the boat was also really good and I had a clear picture of everything going on around the characters for once. Keep it up.

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.

Your friend, Felistia.