When I was a cute little baby,
I played in the lap of my mummy and daddy;
I slept and played with a little crawl,
And ate my food in a little bowl.
Then I grew into a kid;
Now, I had to open my brain's lid.
Brush my teeth and wash my face;
As much as I could pace.
My race of life started;
My fun days departed.
Books, books, books; I could only see;
wanted to but unable to flee.
Then I became to dream,
And wanted to be among the cream.
Work with dedication was my only thought;
leave all the rest on God. :-)
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hey !
You know the starting of your poem is really really cute and sweet bit you lost the hold after
" Then I grew into a kid "
Okey thiings changed and we also have tto but why so sad.
Anyways you tried your best and you succeeded except that you have lack in command on your grammar part and the rhythm.
I enjoyed and memories of my childhood also revived.
Keep it up with nice efiting of grammar
Blessings!
Hello, here for a short review!
I first like to state welcome to YWS! I hope you are enjoying it here. The title of this poem definitely caught my eye (as thinking it would be about your childhood and whatnot). The whole main idea about this poem feels a bit cliche. That meaning, the central feeling has been used many times by different people. If you wanted to keep this idea, think outside the box. Even though this seems to describe how you were during all through your childhood, think of your thoughts during these times.
The following stanza after that takes a sudden turn; almost too sudden. When writing anything, perhaps it'll be best to think ahead or to wonder what you could say in place of something. Throughout this poem, it just takes in different directions. Stay with one central theme or idea; rip open the cage that holds the bird, and let the bird fly. Your imagination can take you anywhere and you have the hold to take it anywhere. A suggestion would perhaps add some description here and there, to give the reader something to hold onto to. I've also been told that shorter lines in poetry can create that small, quaint poetic feeling. When using capitalization for poetry, always be consistent; the same could go for punctuation.
Rhyming has it's ups and down. If you want to write a rhyming poem, do so. If you want to freestyle one, you can do it. Much like the capitalization, keep rhyming consistent.
Overall, this was a nice poem about your childhood. I think you could've thought outside the box or rather, a single childhood memory of yours. Describe it with warm colors and sad feeling.
Steggy
Thank you
Will surely follow your advice.
I think this is adorable! I love the way you used some rhyme and some half-rhyme. Your grammar is slightly lacking in some places. Like "wanted to but unable to flee"-- I loved that line, but I'd recommend putting a comma in there. Also, some places felt as if you forced a rhyme instead of let one flow into the poem. For example when you said "among the cream", it doesn't flow with the natural rhythm you gave the poem. Maybe revise the word cream into a line ending in seem or redeem, so that your line will follow the poem's rhythm. None of these remarks are necessary though! Your poem is great--they're only personal thoughts!
Thank you!
I think this is adorable! I love the way you used some rhyme and some half-rhyme. Your grammar is slightly lacking in some places. Like "wanted to but unable to flee"-- I loved that line, but I'd recommend putting a comma in there. Also, some places felt as if you forced a rhyme instead of let one flow into the poem. For example when you said "among the cream", it doesn't flow with the natural rhythm you gave the poem. Maybe revise the word cream into a line ending in seem or redeem, so that your line will follow the poem's rhythm. None of these remarks are necessary though! Your poem is great--they're only personal thoughts!
Awwww, this is so adorable. I love how you brought me back to my childhood memories only in seconds. It was really, really cute and had a childlike feel to it. The only thing I think you should change it "thought" and maybe replace that with a word that rhymes with God. And in some places the flow is off but overall it was really cute! Keep writing and stay cool!
~Keepwriting
Thank you!