Early in the morning it was so boring time and I was upset too.Do not know why I am feeling so lonely ?.Something have been missing, May be some happy sweet moments , some fragrances of my happiness ..Something swirling inside my mind . feeling hollow and it is knocking my heart beats and something weeping like a little gloomy girl inside myself.
...........................................But could not share to any one else, my lips has sealed and some shameless salty tears came out without knowing , And I put on some eye liner and play a sweet fake smile on my face.Cause I have to play my roll as usual. Have to erase all my sorrows with my fake smile.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Lima
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139,401 Literary Works • 672,552 Reviews
Hello Lima, welcome to YWS!
Pretzel here for a review. Disclaimer: This review is pretty harsh so read as you will.
The first thing that really threw me off was problems with formatting. And I well know that YWS Publishing center can be tricky with poem formatting. So like for ex. an easy fix would be to go back and edit all of the spaces out of between the words(because you are writing it double spaced when it should be only single spaced- also there has to be a space between every comma and period to the next word.)-This is something that you will have to manually go back and fix yourself so that the format is much more neater for the reader's eyes, not so chopped like it now is.
Luckily, there is a detailed article with steps and methods that goes in depth about the ways to format a poem to make it look like exactly how you want it: How to Format Poetry
This seems to very emotional/personal and there is nothing wrong with putting this onto YWS, but I personally wouldn't want you to waste your first points that are given to you for free, so I would suggest maybe starting a blog about this, or posting this as a wall post to further this outlet a little bit less costly for you.
Next, you use a very excessive amount of boring adjectives, such as sad, boring, little, happy, sweet.(<< that's very elementary language) I think that what you would need to be to make this more interesting is you could make your language more figurative, or maybe put in delightful descriptions. Something to make the words on your paper come more alive, because right now, they fall flat. A wise writer once told me: Don't be tempted to use more adjectives, instead use more specific verbs.
Also, like the previous reviewer mentioned, there is no really knowing if this is a short story or a poem, it could be both. Food for a thought: Try to nail it down and decide with type of writing this, because poems and short stories have completely different rules in their dynamics, therefore if you differentiate between them, it will be much easier to actually give you some more specific advice tailored to that work.
Your transitions from emotions are basically non existent, because you seem to go back and forth with this idea of happiness and sadness, but I wanted to know more deeply what that really looks like for the narrator. Instead of just writing that this character is having a sad morning, give us images that remind them of sadness, likewise give her images that remind her of happiness. What you could do it just go onto Google images, look at the picture that you would want to use within your poem to describe these emotions, close your eyes, open a new tab, and then write what you see in your mind. This has always proven to be an effective tool for me at least.
That's all that I have to say about this realistic piece that you have written here. If you want me to elaborate on any piece of my advice, please let me know and I will be glad to do so.
Keep on writing
~Pretzel
Hi there, Empty Soul is here to review!
I don't quite understand what you were writing. It seemed like a poorly structured poem at some parts and a short story at some others. Perhaps, you were just writing to get your feelings out without caring much for structure, grammar, and spelling. You know, you have a lot of potential. You could turn this into an interesting poem. First of all, you could learn how to write a proper poem. This site can help you: Link
If you have any questions or even need help, you can message me!
xxx
~EmptySoul