Young Writers Society

Hello!
You asked for a review on this back in January, so here I finally am!

I like the images here, and how you focused around a color. That was a really good method of focusing your poem on a concrete thing. It really pulled everything together.
I especially like the first and last stanzas. They seem fresh and vibrant and concrete. The way you worded them was very nice.
I like most of the third stanza too, but the "void of darkness" part seems a little over-dramatic, especially since it's in italics.
And your second stanza is pretty good, but I thought it was a tad over-dramatic and cliche too. Especially "endless nothingness" and "sea of hurt," though I think the second would be okay were it not italicized and emphasized so heavily, being the end of a stanza.

But I do like the italicizing. Like, I think it adds a good sort of tone along with the emphasis. I'd just maybe choose some different words to emphasize on the middle stanzas.

But this was really good. I don't have a lot to say because it was really solid. I like the formatting.

Great work! Keep writing.
I hope this review helped.
~fortis

Heyo Snow, Hiraeth here for a review on this wonderful review day! Before I start you should know that I know close to nothing about poetry so I don't know how helpful I'll be. The good thing with this poem is that it's very succinct, there is nothing excessive about it (which is something I usually pick on with other poems...). I guess the one of the things that sort of nagged at me was the italicised messages at the end of each verse. I understand that you want to transfer a message across to the readers but the thing is, they don't well, quite fit in with the things you're saying.

When reading something, at least for me part of the fun is trying to interpret what the author is saying without having them spell it out for us. Let's take the first stanza for example, I'm not if grains of sand is the best conclusion for something as intricate as webs of harmony intricately linked. Unless of course the italicised messages are meant to be read separate from the normal ones, but if we do that then I feel that the italicised message is somewhat clunky and awkward. I like most of your stanzas, especially the first and the third. The imagery is simple yet it dictates a message, I've got some advice for your second and fourth stanza.

The second stanza strikes me as a bit cliche, not the idea itself but rather the words that you've chosen. Defying gravity has been used too many times. I'm sure you can come up with something that means the same but without using those. Salten teardrops and a sea of hurt when placed together becomes the same in my mind, so the two of them being grouped together becomes somewhat repetitive.

'watch the sunbeams die' just sort of kills the mood of this poem for me, it has been mostly a positive poem about well, a seemingly dire situation. But 'die' itself is such an unpleasant word, it reminds me of wilted roses and dead birds. So maybe use a gentler word that mean the same thing?

Last of all, some personal note. I noticed that the theme is seafoamy but I also feel like not much of this poem is spent on describing the seafoamyness. Whether figuratively or physically, but that's just something for you to chew about. If you've got any questions regarding this review, please don't hesitate to ask me.

-Hir

Hello, Pretzel


Firstly, let me just say wow. I'm an avid poetry writer and this piece was just beautiful.
I always tend to start with structure and the structure you incorporated in this piece is perfect. I love the stanzas, how each is laid out and ends with a trio of italicized words creating a nice flow. Also, the imagery created by the structure paired with the idea of waves is brilliant. Secondly, your diction is superb. Mature diction creating imagery through these detailed pictures is the epitome of poetry. You don't have excess words, you make less more. The italics connect perfectly concluding each stanza and leaving an intense feeling each time.
Thirdly, I've reread the poem over and over and it seems to me each stanza softens until the italics which oppose the regular fonted words. I'm not sure if you meant for each italics to connect, but if so I did interpret it that way so well done.

Usually, I have some constructive criticism but this poem is magnificent. The length isn't too short or lengthy, the word choice is beyond an appropriate level, the imagery and other literary tools is essential.
Well done my friend.

Cheaper

Hey, Pretzel ^^

I don't consider myself to be very good at poetry, but I still hope that this review is satisfactory.

So, it is my opinion that poetry both can and should be interpreted differently by different people. It's this difference in opinions that gets people talking, sharing their thoughts and ideas.

First of all, I like the shape of the poem. The stanzas have a common general outline, which is inconsistent throughout, and it creates a great image of waves splashing against one another (especially when one's view is tilted clockwise by 90 degrees). I don't know if it's meant to look that way, or if you meant something completely different, but that is how I personally perceived the shape of this piece.

I read this poem a few times, and here is how I personally understood it and interpreted it:

The person is lying on the surface of the water, the waves splashing them from all sides. They had been lying in the sand, thus they are connected to the harmony of the sea through tiny particles of sand that still coat their body, positioned right between it and the water.

The person used to lie on the sand, but they could feel gravity there, so that's why they moved to the water, so they could float. Even though gravity pulls them down, it is crucial for them to survive.

Night descends, and the Sun sets, the light is gone.

To me, this is a poem about thinking clearly and concentrating. The waves are echoes, sounds that come from all directions, the Sun is the light, a visual distraction from one's thoughts. The gravity made them aware of the ground beneath them. Distractions everywhere.

So, they went for a swim during the sunset. The distractions faded away. When night descended, the Sun was gone, most of the distractions are gone, and they are able to think in colour, to think more clearly. The "dance of the colors" came alive inside their mind.

Sometimes the thing that gives us light can be a distraction, and the thing that pulls us down can also help us lift ourselves up, by motivating us to stop lying at the beach, and take a swim in the sea, because the water's great! ^^

"come, my friend". They are recommending this, and are passionate about deep stuff like this.

You probably have a different thing in mind, and so my interpretation of it may sound weird or it might not make any sense, but it's how I felt after reading it.

In conclusion, I liked this poem, it painted a good picture in my head, and it made me think about a few things. Sometimes it's better to just stare at the stars and drift in the water, than to be encumbered by life's problems and never be able to go for a swim after a sunset.

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful day!

Very good! I love how you set it up, you can tell each stanza pertains to the italics line at the bottom of them. I'm a bit confused at what o' means. If it means "Oh" I don't think it needs the ' Really great, good job!

This is a truly beautiful poem.