Hey ForgottenMemories here to review again.
Im not going to sugaroat this because you honestly need the critics.


First off, This right here has so many grammatical errors and I hope that you can see them because I really dont want to list everything wrong in this sentence.

Puff! The cloud shut it's lips on Celina.She was trapped and felt that to her very bone and she's couldn't shake off the sensation that she was nowhere.

Puff! The cloud shut it's lips on Celina.She was trapped and felt that to her very bone and she's couldn't shake off the sensation that she was nowhere. Knowing this,she decided to make the best of her situation right then and right there. Bravery was needed for her to survive. She slowly and cautiously opened her eyelids and took a mental picture of the surroundings. She stumbled upon something that looked like a slide; when she squinted to take a closer look, she saw it.This "slide"was a vibrant,bright rainbow with the colors red,orange,yellow,green,blue,indigo, and violet wrapped up like in a perfect ribbon. Her eyeballs were bulging out of her sockets as the childhood enticement returned.She was going to try that slide if was the last thing she would do. While she was analyzing the best way to climb it, a sweet and honey voice beside her startled her by whispering, "I can help you." Celina whirled around,her ponytail hitting her neck. Who was talking to her?Why couldn't she see anything. She peered intently and then seeing nothing normal gave up trying. She suddenly felt pulled by some other force from her backside and pulled up into the summit of the rainbow slide. Shouting with glee, Celina put her legs up and slid down!The experience was so lovely that this fun-loving person had to try it again. So for the next full hour Celina slid on the rainbow, heightening her happiness, and the slide never lost it's glory.

Without warning the mysterious outer force came and transported her to the wonderland of this magical world.This wonderland had a lot of colored cubes and so when Celina started skipping down the lane she suddenly, without warning got sucked into one of them. There was the most gigantic library or bookstore she had ever seen in her life. There were books everywhere, and of everry kind,color,shape, and size. She pulled out a random book and got so much inside the story that she was very disappointing when the outer force pulled her out and then into another cube.In this cube there were rooms and rooms or computers,notebooks,pencils and pens. All she had to do is sit down and start typing her story.This was the story she typed.

I will do grammar stuff first.

The cloud shut it's lips on Celina.She

She was trapped and felt that to her very bone

she's couldn't shake off

Knowing this,she decided

Bravery was needed for her to survive.

While she was analyzing the best way to climb it

this fun-loving person

When she sat again for the last time

heavenly taste and addition to it

Hi,

Okay, so I love the idea of this story. Not many people write about a fantasyland and therefore I found this piece to be very original and pretty 'funky' if that word is best to describe it!

However, I think that there are quite a few errors that you could do with addressing. For example, your spelling needs work. At the top, you misspell she and write 'she's'. In the second paragraph you describe the voice in the girl's head to be 'sweet and honey.' It should really be 'honeyed' or 'with a voice that was as sweet as honey' or 'a voice that sounded like honey.' You also needed to put a question mark in the sentence, 'why couldn't she see anything.'

Finally in the last paragraph you said, 'all she had to do is sit down.' Since you have spent the entirety of the story writing in past tense it should really be 'was.' These are only little things but really your spelling, punctuation and grammar need to be top notch if you want to be taken seriously. My advice to you would be to check your work after you finish typing - we're all prone to typos.

You're description is good but it goes a little too fast for me. I know that dreams do tend to be quite fast - paced but putting in a little more detail would help it to flow better. I feel as though I'm only getting half a picture here which is a shame because I really do love the story.
I am also a little confused about this mysterious outer force you keep on mentioning. Who is he/she/it? Are they related to the character in any way? I'm assuming there's another part to this but if we had received a little more information about this being then the story would have been more interesting than it already is which is certainly saying something!

Overall this is a great story but it needs a bit more work - particularly in the way it is written and the establishment of the characters. I would also seriously suggest you work on your spelling, punctuation and grammar - those are really important.
But apart from that, I thought it was great and look forward to reading the next parts!
Keep up the writing and feel free to look at my work!

priceofwords

Hi Pretezel!

I was really looking forward to when I could review something for you seeing as you have read all my chapters of my novel so far! I think this was a pretty good beginning to a story. Your idea has so much creativity in it. I don't think I could've thought of a story with clouds, rainbows and outer forces which went unseen. I also really like the name Claire that you have for your main character. I wonder what else is going to happen in this story seeing as it is just the beginning! There are so many paths it could take.

I felt like this was set in a kind of fantasy land (because we can't really ride rainbows here on earth, or end up in the clouds ) but I felt like we needed some more explaining. Like at the beginning, why was Claire even in a place where she might get trapped in a cloud to begin with? And let us have some more explaining as to why there are rainbows and clouds about. I think it is a good idea, I just need a bit more explanation as to how this world works so I can get a proper grasp on it. Also, I feel like it would be nicer if we could see a bit more of Claire's personality. Yes, we see that she is going through a lot of cool and interesting things, but we don't get to know about her as a person. Only about what is happening to her, and not her herself. So, seeing a bit more of her as a person would be nice, and it would be up to you as to how you included it in there.

Puff! The cloud shut it's lips on Celina

She was trapped and felt that to her very bone and she's couldn't shake off the sensation that she was nowhere.

She stumbled upon something that looked like a slide; when she squinted to take a closer look, she saw it.

red,orange,yellow,green,blue,indigo,

She peered intently and then seeing nothing normal gave up trying.

The experience was so lovely that this fun-loving person had to try it again.

Celina's taste buds awakened like never before and she just couldn't stop sucking this fruit.

random book and got so much inside the story that she

This was the story she typed.

Hi there, pretzelsnow!


I loved this little anecdote! The way you described everything was amazing, almost as if the reader were there.

I only noticed a few things wrong.

The first is that you keep repeating, "the outer mysterious force". Why not just, "the outer force"? Or you could give it a little more description, throw in a couple similes such as, "The outer force grabbed her without warning and hoisted her into the air like a supreme being reaching down through the sky". See what I mean?

The second is that whenever you end one sentence, the next one is on it's tail. Give it some space!

For example:

"Who was talking to her?Why couldn't she see anything."


"Who was talking to her? Why couldn't she see anything?"

Don't forget the second "?" in that particular sentence.


Lastly, It's kind of short. Why not expand some?
If you need help, don't be afraid to ask me or someone else!


That's all. I'd give it a 7/10.

Cheers!

~Swiftfur

I really liked this, it was full of some wonderful imagery and it was very enjoyable to read. The content is really good, and you’re obviously a skilled writer. My only real suggestion for the text is to make it easier on the eyes by splitting up the paragraphs a bit more. You only have three paragraphs, and they’re all quite long. Shorter chunks of text are easier to read and I think you could really improve it by simply having more paragraphs. It would also have more of an impact in places such as the bit with the mysterious voice. This is just a suggestion, but perhaps you could split the text of the first paragraph up so it’s more like this:

Puff! The cloud shut it's lips on Celina.She was trapped and felt that to her very bone and she's couldn't shake off the sensation that she was nowhere. Knowing this,she decided to make the best of her situation right then and right there. Bravery was needed for her to survive.

She slowly and cautiously opened her eyelids and took a mental picture of the surrondings. She stumbled upon something that looked like a slide; when she squinted to take a closer look, she saw it.This "slide"was a vibrant,bright rainbow with the colors red,orange,yellow,green,blue,indigo, and violet wrapped up like in a perfect ribbon. Her eyeballs were bulging out of her sockets as the childhood enticement returned.She was going to try that slide if was the last thing she would do.

While she was analyzing the best way to climb it, a sweet and honey voice beside her starled her by whispering, "I can help you."

Celina whirled around,her ponytail hitting her neck. Who was talking to her?Why couldn't she see anything. She peered intently and then seeing nothing normal gave up trying. She suddenly felt pulled by some other force from her backside and pulled up into the summit of the rainbow slide. Shouting with glee, Celina put her legs up and slid down!

The experience was so lovely that this fun-loving person had to try it again. So for the next full hour Celina slid on the rainbow, heightning her happiness, and the slide never lost it's glory.

I don’t know if you agree with me, but I think it makes the story easier to read. You also need to make sure you have spacing after commas and other punctuation marks, as having the correct formatting will also make it flow more smoothly.

I couldn’t quite imagine the scene in the first paragraph, where Celina has been trapped inside a cloud. She takes a mental picture of her surroundings, but there’s not really enough description of the inside of the cloud. I was also confused by the slide; when she first stumbles upon the slide, she can tell it’s there, but it’s not until she squints that she sees it. It doesn’t quite make sense; maybe you could re-word it so she stumbles on something, looks down and sees the slide?

I also thought it was slightly weird that the mysterious force was grabbing Celina’s backside… perhaps you can rephrase that? Maybe it could just surround her and lift her gently up into the air – I got a rather strange image of her being unceremoniously hoisted up by the waistband of her pants!

A few very minor mistakes: “it’s lips” and “it’s glory” should be “its lips” and “its glory” (“it’s” is short for “it is,” but “its” indicates belonging) “Surrondings” should be “surroundings” and “starled” should be “startled.” “Heightning” should be “heightening” “everry” should be “every” “bookand” should be “book and” and “dissapointed” should be “disappointed.” “Addition” (when referring to the tree) should probably be “addiction” (unfortunately both are words, so spellcheck won’t pick up on it)

Apart from that I thought it was very surreal, and it’s definitely got a lot of potential. In my opinion the story itself is really interesting, it’s just the formatting that makes it hard to read. Hopefully I didn’t just discourage you with my review!

Ok so I'm new to this review thing but I hope it helps. I love the imagery. You can clearly make out the scene. I think for improvement maybe you could go into more detail with the cubes. Also vary your sentence length. There mostly long. If you use short lines it will add a dramatic effect to your story. I hope this helps you. And I do love the story by the way pretzelsnow. It really dose sound like a wonderland.

Hello! I'm Flash, and I will be reviewing this story.
Okay, so the imagery is very nice. It certainly is a wonderland! For some reason it kind of reminded me of the Overthere from the video game Super Paper Mario, haha. (Look it up one day, it's full of rainbows and pretty fruit!)
I noticed that throughout the story there are no spaces between commas, a couple periods, and a couple quotation marks. ALWAYS make sure that there are spaces. Sometimes they are easily overlooked, so always make sure to read through your work once it's done (but sometimes we all forget to do so, especially if you're eager to post it!)
"She stumbled upon something that looked like a slide;..." I would suggest taking away the semicolon and just placing a period there to start a new sentence after that.
"Like in a perfect ribbon" doesn't flow well. "Like a perfect ribbon" sounds better.
"That this fun loving person" would sound better as "that fun loving person."
"So for the next hour..." I would remove "so." It is distracting and does not flow well.
"The cloud shut it's lips..." "It's" is a contraction of "it is." "Its" is plural of "it."
The last two sentences seem very out of place. I do not know how I would revise it if I were you, but I feel like it is irrelevant. Plus, it's breaking the fourth wall. You wouldn't find something like that in a real story. At the end of a third person story, the author does not say "this is what the character did." It's not relevant and makes the reader confused.
Keep writing!
-Flash

Vary interesting.This story has such detail it astounds me,I've never seen any thing like it.

Right here at "Puff! The cloud shut it's lips on Celina.She" there is supposed to be a space in-between Celina and She. It was a good beginning on how you said she was destined for survival.
Also I loved the ending saying how "This is the story she typed." I thought that was amazing. Another thing is that I loved the Book Store that she goes flying into. That is all I hoped you liked my review.

This is a cool interesting story! great job!