Centuries - Chapter 1.1

by eldEr

Published November 24, 2014

In Centuries

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The palace was dimly lit, the Sun's rays still striving to crawl their way past windows and pillars and into the throne room, but already the Empress had ascended the throne, her daughter at her right hand, her husband laying soundly in his tomb. Folds of purples and reds draped over her, revealing the pride in her breast as she breathed the first breaths of morning. Her eyes, a flicker of intense amber, rested on a single woman, who knelt before the queen on trembling knee. The marble was cold under her fingers, which were, bloodied knuckles and all, fighting to support the brunt of her weight.

"We ask for provision," she said, her voice rasping in her dry throat. "Should your Majesty grant it, we seek refuge wherever it can be spared, until we're strong enough to move on with the rest of the Sendorai." Her accent was thick, but the language was fluent.

"How large is your party, nomad?" The empress Hares clicked her nails against the cool stone of her throne as she studied the girl before her. An air of defeat was so thick about her, a desperate tiredness so pungent in her voice, that neither Hares nor her daughter, Maesa, could call their royal professionalism to ignore it. A silence hung in the room for a moment, tangible enough that Hares nearly regretted asking such a question.

"Eight," came the reply, barely audible. "Four dragons were found after the raids, and one of our women is with child. Her husband was among those taken back to Kiran."

There was another pause. It was known that the Se Ador clan was large, for the Sendorai people. At last count, they'd numbered one-hundred and ten. Hares sent a side-long look at her daughter, whose eyes, a deep, gentle brown, had been stirred to compassion. Her brow frowned, though her lips remained poised, and a dark hand held her chin, as though she wished to conceal her horror behind her fingers. She caught her mother's eye, giving her head the slightest of dips. It was her turn to speak on the matter, her mother's silence communicated to her.

"Refuge will be granted," Maesa said, her tone carrying authority that mixed with her gentleness. "A counsel will be held this afternoon to decide how the dragons and their keepers will be accommodated. In the mean time, our stable-keepers will watch them, and you and your clan will have my own maids at your service." She rose, her turquoise robes fluttering about her. She raised one arm, bent at the elbow, and opened her hand. "Send for General Aresh; she shall be their escort to the North Wing."

Hares remained seated, though she gestured with her arm as her daughter had done, and repeated the order. Her voice carried through the dome-shaped hall, and two guards standing near the threshold to the rest of the palace bent at their waists, left arms raised in a similar manner, before turning to fetch the requested.

Maesa waited for them to depart, and then descended the steps leading to the thrones and knelt before the woman, tucking two fingers under her chin. She lifted her head, her free hand resting on the wool covering the new charge's shoulder. "You may have whatever is necessary for your people to move to their northern grounds. The Sendorai people, as a whole, have mended and provided for far more than eight of our own soldiers; it would be our honour to return the favour, and our shame to refuse you."

The woman smiled, despite a split lip, considering but not daring to rest a hand over the princess's. "Thank you," was all that passed her lips before her throat constricted, words catching on the grief that blocked her lungs. A tear was on her cheek, and neither woman made a move to whisk it away.

"What's your name?" Maesa asked, her voice soft. "It would not do to call you nomad, if you're to live among us."

"Ora." The woman inhaled deeply, wincing as though it had pained her. "My name is Ora Se Ador."

Silence was thick on the palace that morning. The only conversation was made by whispering servants, fluttering back and forth as they went about their duties. Each had their own idea of what had happened to the Se Ador people in the days before they'd arrived in Dashaer, but all knew that their blood stained the hands of Kiran. Rumours of a long-held trade partnership between the two kingdoms being closed distressed the middle-aged, though the young remained convinced that such an ending should have come to pass long ago. Kiran was a tyrant of a kingdom, and their exports were ripped from starving hands and hard labour.

Many donations and gifts were brought by such young folk, laid down by the palace gates for the eight remaining Se Ador; clothes, both of Dashaerene and Sendorai make, along with dried foods to aide in their impending journey north, rope, and lost provision, had been offered up until eight alone wouldn't be able to use all of what was given, and servants and guards alike had been busied themselves transporting the goods.

The gifts were brought to the North Wing unspoiled by the Dashaerenes, left outside the door of the House of Hashan where the Se Ador were being housed. The House was located at the end of the palace's North Wing, dedicated to the families of the army's serving generals, and had been given to Aresh's great grandfather many years before. Aresh was a third-generation general, after both her father and her mother, and accommodated the wary nomads as though they were her own soldiers. Baths had been drawn, and beds had been abandoned by her three brothers and four sisters, who had piled into Aresh's chambers until more convenient arrangements could be made. She had food brought to them, in quantities greater than Ora's people could eat, and those practised in relaxation medication had been brought from all corners of the city to relieve at least a fraction of the trauma the group had endured from the Kiranese.

Ora herself remained close to the group's escort, too numb and too tired to be part of the bustle. The woman in question, one Low General Aresh, was a tall, sturdy woman with thickly muscled arms and legs, and black hair drawn back in tight curls, shaved close to her dark head. She wore casual palace armour, the metal plates on her shoulders engraved with symbols of her family's war feats. The rest of her arms were bare, save for thick leather braces that shielded the arteries on her wrists. Her neck was half-covered in similar armour, a brilliant crimson tunic falling to her thighs, hiding the form of a body Ora assumed to be quite buff. Her legs were covered entirely in thick leathers, her feet concealed in heavy boots. She bore a belt of daggers, each tucked into a sheath that any not trained by Dashaer's army would take an age fumbling with to get open. Aside from the belt, Ora could see no weapon, and the soldier wore no helmet.

She found Aresh's presence soothing, despite the intimidating garb; the lower-ranking general was surprisingly lighthearted, and her boisterous laugh and quick wit put the smaller woman's nerves at ease, as did Aresh's fluency in Sendora, and her knowledge of the Se dialect.

Conversation was veering towards an exchange of cultural trivia, the Sendorai's side of which Aresh was also surprisingly knowledgeable of. She knew what the Helekiy were, and what the patterns dyed and embroidered into the sleeves of Ora's tunic meant; tales of tracking and trapping prowess, of motherhood and of her standing with her clan.

"I travelled with one of the Se clans for four cycles midway through my training," she explained, leaning a shoulder against a white stone wall. They were Aresh's family chamber-hall, on the outer side of the threshold separating them from the room being lent to the wary. "Could say I've got restless feet. They don't much care for being in any place for very long." She chuckled, a deep rumble in her chest. "My parents were none too pleased with me for it."

Ora could barely bring herself to smile, but she did, leaning her back against the wall next to Aresh. She barely thought about it; just sunk until she was sitting on the tile, her tired head against the cool of the stone and her legs curled up to her chest. "I suppose earning the rank of Low General before you turned twenty-six didn't help you at all?"

Aresh broke out into a full laugh, her grin sparkling in her eyes when the sound finally calmed. "Oh, Lord Iyno, Ora. I'm their favourite child for it!"

Both of the girls laughed, though Ora's was still softer. Still less convincing. She gazed down at the tiles, tracing the silver lines against the white with the toe of her shoe. "I'm ashamed to say I know very little of Dashaerene etiquette, past what's expected out on the farms."

Aresh waved a dismissive hand, the sound of footsteps padding from around the corner catching her attention. "We'll work on it. There's much to teach, and much time to teach it in."

The footsteps revealed the walker before Ora had time to respond; Princess Maesa turned the corner, seeming to glide over the stones. Her robes had changed, now all blue and gold silks, draped around her as one of the Sendorai's wedding togas would be. She had her hair wound up, piled on her head and embezzled in golden beads and brightly-coloured gemstones. Silver chains hung from her hair, some joining hoops of gold that hung from her ears, others draped around her neck and joined up on the opposite side of her head, like a necklace.

Ora could hardly look away from her, having not been accustomed to seeing such finery, but when she did, her gaze rested on Aresh, whose own eyes watched Maesa. The corner of her mouth was turned up, her brow set in a softer position. She extended a hand when the princess was near enough, which Maesa took readily, and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

"I'm here only to tell the Se Ador that proper housing has been found for their dragons," she said, though her tone hinted at a thinly-veiled amusement. She spoke in the Se dialect, though it was more broken than the general's.

Aresh's eyebrows rose, and her mouth opened, but the princess continued before the soldier had a moment to. "You've been relieved of the night watch this week, General."

Aresh paused for a moment before a grin took to her mouth. "Why, thank you, M'lady.

Maesa rolled her eyes and withdrew her hand, but a grin of her own was playing her lips when she turned her attention to Ora. "Unfortunately, my guards are absolutely terrified of the beasts. As are the stable-hands." She leaned against Aresh, almost casually, and brought a hand up to toy with an onyx pendant hanging against her breast. "We may require assistance from those who have..."

"Good rapport?" Aresh filled in, after a brief pause. Her arm draped itself around the woman, fingers fiddling with a fold of fabric near the princess's hip.

"Yes, thank you." She smiled kindly at Ora. "With the dragons."

Ora nodded, gaze drifting between the two women. "We have one, especially, who may be of aide to you. I'll fetch him."

Maesa nodded, folding her hand over Aresh's against her hip. "Of course. Aresh will escort you when he's ready."

Aresh raised a brow at the princess, but said nothing as Ora turned to re-enter the chambers.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Dec 28, 2014

Hi Isha!

Happy review day!

I am here to try and review a chapter of yours, seeing as it is good to know you are back and up writing again. It's always hard to review your chapters because they always end up being so very good, and this one is no exception ;) The idea of palaces and dragons is intriguing, and I look forward to when we are going to meet these dragons! I like that when Ora got to be with her friends again she didn't immediately switch from being someone defeated and begging for help into someone who was happy again. You let her emotions linger and that was realistic in my opinion. You have some really elaborate descriptions of clothing here as well and appearance, which was great because my imagination could really run wild. I was happy for that ^^

What I didn't really feel was much of a connection to the characters. Yes, this is just the first chapter but I felt like we got a bunch of names there in the middle when you gave us a little bit of history on the matter of this world we're in (I know, this is something hard with fantasy) but amongst the name dropping the characters kind of faded into the background. And although we did get a vivid description of Ora and her emotions and nervousness as she is begging for the empress to help her, later on I didn't get the same strong emotions from her because they kind of died away, and I wanted that again. If you could nail the emotions like you did in the beginning of the chapter all the way through, then I know I would connect a bit more. Which would be nice thing to hook the reader with already and keep us reading for the next chapter.

single woman, who knelt before the queen on trembling knee.


Just one singular nitpick here. And a small one at that. You either meant she was 'trembling on a knee' or on trembling 'knees' with a plural.

I wanted to know if this empress was a kind person or not. I am not saying there has to be a black and white good and bad thing, but I wonder if she usually goes into this much trouble for the people who beg help from her. You do say that the desperation was thick and easy to see, which I believe is the reason why the empress did help this time. But what if this was another smaller case? A possibility could be to rewind a bit more and have Ora see someone coming out of the throne room as she is waiting anxiously inside and then see either hope or sadness on their face. If it's happiness, then maybe Ora can let herself hope and we can know the empress has a tendency to be kind. If it's the other, then Ora's emotions can reflect that too, before she goes in. Either way, it would be nice to get a clearer opinion on the empress, even if you don't take the example I just mentioned. Anything would do.

You did have a lot of good descriptions here, but you didn't really focus that much on the actual setting. I couldn't quite get a grasp on what the castle itself my look like, or the throne room or even what may be outside. I think this is something you could easily add in there somewhere, so I am just giving it a mention. It would be lovely to see because even though knowing the characters appearance is important, this is equally so as well ;)

That's all I have for you! A great opening chapter, and be sure to let me know when you write more. I look forward to reading :)

Deanie x

User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review
PenguinAttack wrote a review Review · Nov 28, 2014

Hey Ishbishmish! <3

So I think I'm intrigued with what you have here. I want to say it's a female orientated Sparta, or it has that feeling at the moment. I like that. It saddens me that her husband is in a tomb, unless it is a kind of linguistic slang for bed. It kept my attention well, the action and the descriptions.

I do think that parts of this are clunky. Particularly the first paragraph where the amount of commas feels unwieldy, I feel like I lost track of the information I was meant to know by the end of it. Your flow improves dramatically over the rest of the paragraphs - although I found it a little stunted toward the end, but I was perhaps distracted by visualising the descriptions.

You're introducing lore pretty quickly here and I'd maybe consider stretching it out a little. I think we might need a little more action in these pages to keep the narrative moving. However, what you are telling us is pretty fascinating and I'm definitely interested in finding out more about the women, the culture, and the circumstances of Ora's battle.

Right now your strongest element is your description, it's truly spot on and I love the colour and the vibrancy that is suggested in your lines. Your weakest element is probably flow in some parts and a little bit of info dumping. These are easily fixed and your narrative seems like it should be strong enough to carry through small issues to a satisfying finish.

Thanks for the read!

User avatar
Griffinkeeper
Review
Griffinkeeper wrote a review Review · Nov 25, 2014

Everything was going great, until I saw that the Empress was named "Hares." After that point, I just lost composure as I imagined cute bunnies cavorting on a meadow. A name change might be advisable under the circumstances.

That aside, I really enjoyed the tone that was set and the way the Empress was portrayed. It carried a certain solemnity to it and I couldn't help but pay attention to her character; because she spoke with authority.

I noticed that there weren't many, if any, men in the story. Maybe the story involves Amazons, I could have missed the memo. One advantage is that I caught a typo, where General Aresh is mention as a he.

Aresh will escort you when he's ready."


The descriptions were very lovely.

The footsteps revealed the walker before Ora had time to respond; Princess Maesa turned the corner, seeming to glide over the stones. Her robes had changed, now all blue and gold silks, draped around her as one of the Sendorai's wedding togas would be. She had her hair wound up, piled on her head and embezzled in golden beads and brightly-coloured gemstones. Silver chains hung from her hair, some joining hoops of gold that hung from her ears, others draped around her neck and joined up on the opposite side of her head, like a necklace.


By the end of this paragraph, I had imagined someone that might be confused with a Greek Goddess, and was absolutely happy with it. However, this section:

Many donations and gifts were brought by such young folk, laid down by the palace gates for the eight remaining Se Ador; clothes, both of Dashaerene and Sendorai make, along with dried foods to aide in their impending journey north, rope, and lost provision, had been offered up until eight alone wouldn't be able to use all of what was given, and servants and guards alike had been busied themselves transporting the goods.

The gifts were brought to the North Wing unspoiled by the Dashaerenes, left outside the door of the House of Hashan where the Se Ador were being housed. The House was located at the end of the palace's North Wing, dedicated to the families of the army's serving generals, and had been given to Aresh's great grandfather many years before. Aresh was a third-generation general, after both her father and her mother, and accommodated the wary nomads as though they were her own soldiers. Baths had been drawn, and beds had been abandoned by her three brothers and four sisters, who had piled into Aresh's chambers until more convenient arrangements could be made. She had food brought to them, in quantities greater than Ora's people could eat, and those practised in relaxation medication had been brought from all corners of the city to relieve at least a fraction of the trauma the group had endured from the Kiranese.


Most of your story was fun to read; but these paragraphs were a slog. You briefly info-dumped about Aresh's family history, which distracted from the house and its occupants. I'm not entirely sure how to fix it; there is so much detail that it's difficult to figure out what is important and which isn't. However, I do recommend you target these paragraphs for close editing.

eldEr replied · Nov 25, 2014

There are men in this story; they're all just unimportant/minor characters until we meet Isuk because chicks are cooler and need more representation than said males.

Thanks much

User avatar
ReiiSquid
Review
ReiiSquid wrote a review Review · Nov 25, 2014

Well written. I love how much you describe each person and the surroundings. The names make the characters and place stand out and have a sort mid-Eastern vibe to them. And it's really cool that you've included dragons in your story!

The nomads remind of a manga that I've been reading that have lot of nomadic people in them. It's called 'A Young Brides Story' by Karou Mori. I'd like to see you continue this, so please keep it up!



You'd be astonished at the intimate stories, hidden struggles, and heartfelt dreams that people are willing to reveal if only they find someone who'll truly listen.
— Arcticus