Hello! It's been a while since I've had the pleasure of reading something by you - how goes it?
Specifics
1.
What's a Ute and where do I get one? If this is a typo, please fix it. If this is a real thing, it should definitely be 'an Ute' rather than a and you need to explain what it is.A ute rode south along the Hume highway out of Bendigo.
2.
Love the simile!To the westwaswere a few good miles of pastureland and the northbound road, with cars crawling along it like beetles on a stick.
3.
I think this may sound better as 'their cigarettes hanging out of their mouths'. And an ute is a type of truck? Cool. I think you need to say 'an Ute truck' in that first sentence then.The oldest, Rick Beattie, drove through the small town of Derrinal fast enough that people smoking outside the old bistro watched the ute awestruck, with their cigarettes hanging in their mouths.
4.
This is awkward because it's set up like you're only going to introduce one other and then you introduce both. It needs to either be 'The other teenagers were Beattie's half brother, Adam Axtens and their co-worker, Josh Taylor' or 'One of the other teenagers was Beattie's half-brother, Adam Axtens, and the other was their co-worker, Josh Taylor.'One of the other teenagers was Beattie’s half-brother, Adam Axtens, and their co-worker, Josh Taylor.
5.
Careful with those tenses!Theysleepslept parallel in three single beds, their elbows touched as they stooped over their porridge bowls at breakfast, and when one was in the shower, the door was left unlocked so others could come in to use the toilet.
Overall
This is nice, if a bit slow starting. I think you spend a little too long on telling us who the characters are and their relation to one another. You show that they're close and know each other well through the dialogue so I don't think we need quite as much of the other detail. The thing is, nothing has really happened yet so while I enjoyed your writing style, I couldn't say I enjoyed the piece because there's been no action in this chunk. Maybe you need a slightly more fun place to start or just to trim this down in a couple of places. I'm not sure which, but it has a nice flow and there's definitely nothing to fault on your writing style. I just didn't find anything that happened interesting or get attached enough to the characters to care about their conversation.
Best of luck with this!
Heather xx
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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