Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Teen Fiction

16+ Mature Content

clouded part one

by freetowrite101


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

The air field with smoke as i sat there look at the fire i had made. The only thing that was going threw my head was how can i let this happend? I didnt want to kill my mom and dad, but its like they wouldnt let me go to the party and i lost it and i shot them both and set the whole house on fire. Oh why did i do that? Do i have a problem that i need to work on? Or what is it about me........... The fire ate the house up, it was like looking at a wildfire somewhere it was dark, and gloomy place. Do i feel gulty that i did this? In some parts yes but in other part no, and i tell you this why becuse there was a point in my life that i got so tired of my mom and dad always yelling at me that it became to much to hande to much to stop thinking about. All i wanted was to be noiceable like my other sister and brother, they always got what they wanted,but i got nothing from them. The phone rang and it wws my friend, jane, i wonder what she wanted. " what do you waant? Im here looking at smething tha i have done." I knew she knows i was talking about the fire, but she didnt ask how i did it so i never really said nothing. " i know u did that to your parents but why would you do that? I though you had a good relationship from what i saw. It just make no since to me." I wanted her to stop talking so i hang up the phone and sat there asnthe flames got bigger and bigger to the point that everyone had to get out their homes just to get away from it......... i think it was so good til i almost got spotted in a trees.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1459 Reviews


Points: 163320
Reviews: 1459

Donate
Sun May 09, 2021 3:56 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a fun little story here...well...not exactly fun but umm...definitely could make for a really fun little concept here...definitely sounds like the start to a potentially quite powerful story here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The air field with smoke as i sat there look at the fire i had made. The only thing that was going threw my head was how can i let this happend? I didnt want to kill my mom and dad, but its like they wouldnt let me go to the party and i lost it and i shot them both and set the whole house on fire. Oh why did i do that? Do i have a problem that i need to work on? Or what is it about me........... The fire ate the house up, it was like looking at a wildfire somewhere it was dark, and gloomy place. Do i feel gulty that i did this? In some parts yes but in other part no, and i tell you this why becuse there was a point in my life that i got so tired of my mom and dad always yelling at me that it became to much to hande to much to stop thinking about. All i wanted was to be noiceable like my other sister and brother, they always got what they wanted,but i got nothing from them. The phone rang and it wws my friend, jane, i wonder what she wanted. " what do you waant? Im here looking at smething tha i have done." I knew she knows i was talking about the fire, but she didnt ask how i did it so i never really said nothing. " i know u did that to your parents but why would you do that? I though you had a good relationship from what i saw. It just make no since to me." I wanted her to stop talking so i hang up the phone and sat there asnthe flames got bigger and bigger to the point that everyone had to get out their homes just to get away from it......... i think it was so good til i almost got spotted in a trees.


Well...that was...rough...definitely getting things off to a flaming start there [no pun intended] with the whole we're just gonna have this person burn up his own parents in the very first part situation and welll...that works wonderfully to get your attention, not to mention this would really make for quite a killer prologue here.

Now the slight issues here are the little interruptions we have spread into the story. First of all that call that our protagonist here gets. It kind of breaks the overall flow here and in itself isn't really given any sort of proper attention there. It feels like it was just shoved in there last minute and really doesn't contribute too much to the overall story. So, either removing that entirely or making that a longer thing with its own paragraph would be a good idea there.

The next thing is that the thoughts of the protagonist here could also do with a little bit of separating from the main story here. I think that would help separate the description from just the thoughts here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Well...this was a simple but rather effective story that you've got going on here. Hoping to maybe catch a part two of this if its there. At any rate, that's all I've gotta say. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
233 Reviews


Points: 19633
Reviews: 233

Donate
Fri Oct 10, 2014 1:22 pm
Cithara wrote a review...



Hey freetowrite! Welcome to YWS!
So there's a lot of potential here, I'm not gonna lie. But I think you should go over this again.
I haven't read the previous review, so excuse me if I repeat some things.

The air field with smoke as i sat there look at the fire i had made.

Should be:
"The air filled with smoke as I sat there, eyeing the fire I had created." Work on sprucing up those sentences with more description, and definitely work on grammar and spelling. There should be some forums around here that help with that. Talk to the mods about showing you where they are, as I don't know :P
The only thing that was going threw my head was how can i let this happend?

"The only thing that was going through my head was: How can I let this happen?"
again with spelling and grammar :)
I didnt want to kill my mom and dad, but its like they wouldnt let me go to the party and i lost it and i shot them both and set the whole house on fire.

"I didn't want to kill my mom and dad, but they wouldn't let me go to the party.
I lost.
I set the whole house on fire."
To be honest, I don't think you should tell us everything. Show us what is happening. If you make her feel guilty, we can assume she burned down this house. That way it will add depth to the story instead of: I did this, they did that, etc. Also, I know this isn't a poem, but line breaks or starting a new paragraph can really add to the story and cause emotions or surprise or something in the reader.
Oh why did i do that? Do i have a problem that i need to work on? Or what is it about me...........

These thoughts can be in italics to add emphasis on the fact the narrator is thinking about her actions, etc. Just really work on showing us what is happening, rather than telling us.
I think you could also work on describing the fire a little bit more. Personify it, meaning give it human functions. Make it eat the house, or act like a hungry fire monster that wants to destroy her home. I'm not sure, but just think of something to give us more of a visual.
And this is really too short to be a part one. I think you need more details, more information. Not too much information, of course, but enough for us to stay drawn in and excited to learn more.
There weren't enough details to get me excited about two of this story, honestly. I think you should work on enhancing the plot. What is happening? Why?
Use more words to paint a picture. :D
Let me know if you have any questions!
~Thewriter13




User avatar
802 Reviews


Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Donate
Fri Oct 10, 2014 2:49 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hello freetowrite! Welcome to the Young Writers Society. :)

I've read the first part of your story. It's pretty short as a chapter, but would be perfect for a prologue. Perhaps you could also find a nice picture to go with it?

The story seems pretty intense, what with your main character killing her parents and all, but I reckon it could be pretty awesome. So don't stop writing it.

I think RavenMoonStone has all the nitpicks covered, but I'd like to mention one thing...

I didnt want to kill my mom and dad, but its like they wouldnt let me go to the party and i lost it and i shot them both and set the whole house on fire.

This sentence is very long. I understand the quick pace that you're wanting, but it would be difficult to read without pausing. I've split it up for you...
I didn't want to kill my mom and dad, but they wouldnt let me go to the party. I lost it and I shot them both. Then I set the whole house on fire.


There you go! I hope I've helped.




User avatar
324 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Donate
Thu Oct 09, 2014 9:25 pm
View Likes
Evander wrote a review...



Greetings, Free! I am Raven ready to give you a review! Before I begin, I would like to say: WELCOME TO YWS. I hope you will have a long and pleasant stay. Now, I want to tell you that I tend to be a little harsh in my reviews, so I'm sorry if I sound mean at all.

The air field with smoke as i sat there look at the fire i had made.

"Field" should be "filled." The "i"s should be in capitals. Also, "look" should be "looked" because the story is in the past tense. ;) This is a really interesting way to begin a story.

The scene is set, there is smoke around the room; I honestly am worried for the main character's safety. If smoke is rising around them, then they should get down low. Otherwise they would suffocate. However, there is a twist! They had made the fire! What was their intent in doing that? :O Let's read on and find out...


The only thing that was going threw my head was how can i let this happend?

"Threw" should be "through". Hm, I am questioning the tenses right now. Try and stick to the just the past, or just the present. Otherwise it might be hard to read. If this is past "can" should be "could." and "happend" should be "happened." If the story is in the present: "can" can stay and "happend" should be "happen."

Well, it's obvious that they let the fire happen, as stated in first sentence. However, having regret and thinking about it a little more is... human. I mean, if I started a fire I would freak out. So the main character's inside reaction is justified.

I didnt want to kill my mom and dad, but its like they wouldnt let me go to the party and i lost it and i shot them both and set the whole house on fire.

Woah, they killed their parents... That's a little extreme. However, that raises many questions. Did the character shoot their parents with a gun and use a lighter to set the house on fire? Or did they shoot the parents with really cool fire bolts! Pow! Pow! Both are really cool... and a really scary.

"Didnt" should be "didn't." "Its" should be "it's" and "wouldnt" should be "wouldn't."

Do i have a problem that i need to work on? Or what is it about me...........

Yes, main character, you might have a slight fire problem. ;) Oh, one more thing before I finish this. The ton of periods should be "..." :D

I really do hope you keep on writing, and I also hope this helps you improve!

~Rae,






Thank you so much for that and dont worry nobody really havent viewed my stories becuse im kinda shy with my writing and i dont know what people may think about it and plus i just came up wit that i really didnt have nothing really to write about which is wried becuse i love to write and coming up with a story is not really my problem its how to pick a theme and like how to keep.up with the book since i have so many books that i have started to write but never finish.......but thanka for being honisty wity me i really really do thank you so much




Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.
— John Green