Young Writers Society

Hi there!
First of all, I wanted to say how much I loved the inspiration for your story!! I'm a Christian too, and to see someone else taking a Bible story and expounding on it is awesome.
Also, before I dive into critiquing your work, I want to let you know how much I enjoyed the tale itself. You did well using creative license, yet at the same time drawing from the facts of the Bible. With that, let me begin...

1. In the first paragraph, you could expound a bit on the setting and background of the story. Give the reader an idea of the landscape where Ryu lives. You say that he's a hunter of hare, deer, and bear. Where does he hunt? Are there woodlands nearby?

2. In the second paragraph, you said,
"Nimrod was one of those “new age believers”. He had begun the leading movement against theology, and had won with the idea that humans were the dominant creatures of the universe."
In the first sentence, you have the period outside of the quotation marks. Technically, you're supposed to have it within the quotation marks. Your next sentence is correct grammatically, but it sounds a bit awkward. Maybe to make it smoother and clearer, you could say: "He had begun a leading movement against the theology of the one true God, and had won over many with the idea that humans were the dominant creatures of the universe." Also, explain a bit more about the Great Flood of Water (I know what it is, but others may not. You don't want to assume the reader knows what you're talking about.)

3. Third paragraph: You said: "Then as custom demanded, they would kneel before the Tower, and sing “in awe of the greatness of humanity”, or so it said the monthly pamphlets." Why does custom demand it? Does Nimrod demand it? What monthly pamphlets? Why are there pamphlets? Also, the comma should be within the quotation marks.

4. Paragraph 4: In the previous paragraph, you said that until now, he had escaped the notice of everyone. Why, all of a sudden, is he seen by the guards? What had he done to escape attention previously? Also, you use the word "even" a lot. You may want to reword some of your sentences. You said: "He stood firm, however, even as they made their way, stamping and shoving, to where he was." You never want to end a sentence with a helping verb. "...where he stood" would be better.

5: Paragraph 6: You said: "His throat muscles constricted in worry as his thoughts wandered toward his wife and children." I like how you describe Ryu's worry and confusion in the previosu paragraphs. But you might want to consider using a stronger word to describe Ryu's thoughts of his family. "Wandered" sounds a bit too casual. Also, why wasn't Ryu's family in the courtyard, kneeling with the others?

6: I think you summed up the remaining paragraphs too quickly. All of a sudden Ryu decides its time to go, he packs his things, and leaves with his family. And all of a sudden, the Tower is down. Woah! You should make that into a spectacular event, and describe it more. Make Ryu's family gasp in astonishment as they see the Tower crumble.

Thank you for posting this! I really enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!!

~WritingforHim99

Just for everyone's information, I am slightly making this a little modernized by adding things like "monthly pamphlets". I was keeping in mind how advanced the civilization may have been before the flood, and how humanity would most likely still have some recollection of that, even after said flood.
Thanks for reading it!

The thought that Ryu has in the first paragraph does not need speech marks around it.

'born him two children' - 'born' should be 'borne'. 'borne' is the past tense of 'bear'.

When Ryu speaks out loud, you should take a new paragraph.

'testimony of the incompetence' - 'of' should be 'to'.

'widened with unbelief' - 'unbelief' should be 'disbelief'.


So, I'm not religious at all. I therefore have no idea what this is based on. This will be a completely independent review, as if this is a completely independent short story. With that in mind:

You characterisation is good. There is a bit of a problem in that Ryu doesn't seem to have that much of an opinion about the ordinary people. Does he think they have been brainwashed? Does he despise them for following Nimrod? But his emotions come across excellently!

I could picture what was happening easily and sound in particular was easy to imagine.

My only other concern is that the story is a little easy. Ryu doesn't meet all that many obstacles and this means that I don't get that invested in him. I don't know if that's because I don't agree with him in his condemnation of Nimrod or not but if I'm treating this as just a straight-forward story, then I think you should add some jeopardy.

Great vocabulary and flow though.

Well done

Hey, this is cool. I like it. The story is short, but it's definitely got good stuff in it. And Ryu seems like a cool guy--I mean, he hasn't forgotten God, after all. I don't have very many suggestions.

“When will we learn?” He thought

Ryu was a hunter, his prey mostly consisting of hares, deer, and even the occasional bear.

it stood as testimony of the incompetence of humans, and more importantly, of the reality/power/some-similar-word of the living Maker.

and sing “in awe of the greatness of humanity”, or so it said the monthly pamphlets.

“Can you understand me?” He asked hurriedly.

“We must leave,” He said