z

Young Writers Society


12+

Magic of The Spirit Animals

by UselessBunny


Usually for most people, high school is a pain in the butt. You've got people who would rather eat their socks than be your partner in that science fair project that you must have a partner in or else you will fail, you've got people who go crazy for monster rpg games and dragon card games who always are stuck ups to teachers, and then you have those idiotic females who tend to think that they are stars in a musical or movie and try to make everyone like them, sing for no reason, or say rude things about people such as "Oh my god, that guy has like a zit on his head, he is like, so ugly, oh my god." Which annoys me a lot.

Not to mention, high school can be hard as hell. You can fail a test for just drawing a smiley face on your test document, which, I've heard it had happened to someone once, but never to me. And then there are even more tests to the point you feel like crying and going crazy.

Aparently, that doesn't really happen to me.

I must be doing something right because I have great grades, a group of excelent friends, and the last time someone said something over the top disgusting to me was in the eight grade. And yet I'm a senior.

Sorry if you're getting bored, but I'm just explaining to you that this is not one of those stories where the person telling the story has a bad life, bad past, ecetera.

Now to go on of when the crazy stuff started to happen.

It started a few weeks after school had started, end of the day. I was sitting there outside on a bench, waiting for a couple of my friends to meet up with me. Though, they were late, like always. Well, one of them was causing the other to be late. I know a lot about them to the point that I even know what pets they had by memory.

Let me explain who my good friends are.

There is Baily, who is just like me with my grades, except over the top with her grades. She is basically one of those people that I told you about - you know, the people that are total geeks for stuff. She is really into witchcraft and magic for some reason. She always wants to show me crazy odd stuff with wierd names like "Sachiko Charm" which sounds like its from japan or something. Me, her, and other people tried it and yet nothing bad happened to us at all. I knew her ever since I went to kindergarten.

Then there is Rin, who tends to be a slacker and goof. He on the other hand went to summer school one time a couple years back, went to detention for not finishing a project another few years back, and went to the principle's office for sticking a thumbtack on the science teacher's chair a couple days ago. He's an idiot, but yet he's nice. I met him on the first day of middle school when he was being knocked down by a bunch of jerks. I stood up for him and ever since then, he's been hanging out with me.

Anyway, they soon came, or well, Baily was dragging Rin's arm.

"Idiot! He must have waited her for hours!" Baily yelled at Rin. "Hey! I was only in the bathroom for three minutes! Does it look like he's been here for hours?" Rin yelled. "Well you take a long time using it!" Baily shouted. They started to growl like animals at each other.

"Both of you, just calm down please." I mummbled. They always seem to get into arguments. Sometimes I take sides, but most of the time I'm the one that has to split them up before someone goes crazy or someone gets hurt. People actually sometimes think that the two are actually a couple, but they always say they are not.

I stood up from the bench and turned to them. "So, what did you guys need?" I asked them. Rin pointed to Baily and rolled his eyes. "Ask her, she's the one that brought me into this." he said. Baily rolled her eyes and dug into a purse she always had with her. I knew she had something that was wierd and strange.

But instead, she didn't pull out anything like I thought she would, but she had a card. She then put it up to my face. "Read it!" she exclaimed. I took the card from her and read it. It looked like a wierd address on it. "Where did you get this?" I asked her, looking up from the card. I mean, she didn't get it from a murderer or criminal did she?

"I found it online! Aparently there is a shop opening up near the school today and it looked interesting!" she said. I looked at the card closely and noticed small wording at the bottom of the card. It said 'Warning: If cursed or killed by anything in the shop, please tell the store manager'

I should have known that she'd get something like this.

"Another one of those magic shops, I see." I said. She nodded. "Yup! We might find something really cool there! Like maybe something that will make us fly or maybe-"

I cut her off and told her something that I always told her. "There is no such thing as witchcraft or magic, Baily. If there was a thing, people would look like cat girls in animes or would have wings of eagles and all of that crap." I said. She rolled her eyes. "What ever, you just don't believe in anything." she said. I did believe in one thing and that was that she was just crazy.

"But can we please go check it out! Please?" She asked me. I looked to Rin, expecting him to back me up. He did nothing. "Why. Just, why." I told him. He shrugged. "It sounds pretty cool. I always want to look at new stuff anyhow." he said. I didn't know what to say. I thought me and him were friends! And now I have to be dragged into a store full of child's play! Ok, we're friends still, but he should have at least told her that we don't deal with childs play anymore.

"Fine... sure." I grumbled. I suddenly found myself in a death-hug from Baily. Well, she didn't mean to almost squeeze my ribs out of my nose, but she gave me a hug that problaby at least shattered my ribs. "Alright! Let's go!" she exclaimed, letting go of me and running from me and Rin. I had fallen when she hugged me. I got up to my feet and looked back to Rin. He smiled and shrugged. "Hey, people don't exacally grow up, you know. We all have our child still trapped in us." he said. I smiled. He was right.

We ran to Baily who had been waiting for us at the end of the block. Geez, she runs pretty darn fast. When she's excited though, not when she is not because I had heard that she had the lowest time on the running test. Strange how she can do stuff like this.

We soon found ourselves outside of the strange shop.

It looked pretty worn down actually. Kind of scary as a mater of fact. Baily looked at the card and looked at the building. Then looked at it again in confusion. "I don't think this is the right place, yet it says on the card that this is the place." she said. Rin placed his hand on her shoulder. "And that's what you get for believeing online crap! Let's go." He said, turning away from the building. Baily followed him.

"Aww I wanted to do something fun today!" she groaned.

"Well, we should just go home anyway, the weekend is tommorow anyway." he said. The two suddenly turned to me. "Arn't you coming?" Baily asked me.

I shook my head. "I think I'll go home alone. I hope you guys don't mind." I said. They nodded and went their ways. I stood there for a few moments before deciding to go home,

but that was soon not exacally an option yet.

I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped and almost fell on the sidewalk. I turned around and found myself jump again. An old woman looked at me. She wore a wierd dress and a strange hat, like one of those hats people with those silly cristal balls that predict your future or predict that you will fail a test in school or something.

"Hello young man, are you here for the opening of my shop?" she croaked. So it was a shop this whole time. If only my friends didn't leave. I didn't know what to do though. Should I run away and leave the lady sad, should I yell for my friends to come back in which they are far gone down from the shop, should I go in? Well, I decided choice number three. Because Baily would want to know.

I nodded and the lady smiled so big her eyes looked like they were closed. "Very well then, follow me." she said, going into the building. It was my chance to run, my parents used to tell me that I should never talk or be with strangers, but they're busy with other stuff right now to even care for me, so what.

Oh, that's right, I left something out for you all.

I live alone, well, kind of. My parents work in a different country. I thought they'd at least send me web videos or at least write to me, but no, not for the last five months. I'm worried, yet angry at them. It's like they hated me.

Anyway, back to this crap.

Have you ever heard of that saying of where if you look at the cover of a book, it may look boring, but if you open the book and read it might be the best thing in the world besides the invention of cell phones and technology? The shop was like that. On the outside, old and ruined, the inside, just, I have no words to explain what there was.

It looked, special in there. Old fashioned kind of. There were candles, jews, novetly items, heck, there were even stuffed animals in the freaking place. I was actually pretty surprised that no one had come to this store. It was pretty interesting in the store.

"You are my first customer here," she said, "Oh! Be right back, dear." she then walked into another room. I looked around at all of the strange stuff in the store. Before I knew it, she had come back. She had a box in her frail arms. "In honnor of you being my first customer, you can have of these for free." she said, opening the box. "Well, I don't think that I should though, I need money for stuff to be fair." I said. The lady shook her head. "Oh goodness you young ones are so kind, but you don't need money for these."

In the box were candles. Only well, they were long and had strange colors to them. "What are they?" I asked. She smiled. "These give all people who try this a path to freedom. It awakes your happiness." she said. I picked one out. I looked at it. It was pretty cool. "Hey, I know this might be a strange question, but, my friends also came to this shop earlier, but they thought it was closed. You wouldn't mind if I grab two extras, right?" I asked.

She smiled again. "Why that's wonderful! The more people to know this shop the better! So go right ahead, dear!" she said. I took another two.

"I'm sorry that I do not have any money, but I'll come back tommorow if I can." I said. The lady shook my hand. "Wonderful, dear. I hope you have a nice day!" she said.

I started to head to the door, but just when I did, the door suddenly slammed in my face. Another person had entered the shop. "Oh, sorry about that."

I covered my nose. "I-it happe-"

Was this person a man or a woman? This person had the voice of a male, yet had long blond hair. He even had a small pony tail. "Are you a male or a female?" I blurted out. Oops.

He looked at me in an angry, yet confused way. He didn't respond, but went to the back of the store. "I'm sorry!" I yelled out. No response.

Eh, oh well, he was just a random guy.

And I guess magic and witchcraftery isn't so bad at all. I mean, the lady who was in charge of the store was kind and gentle.

I should seriously write gullable on my head. 


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1417 Reviews


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Sun Aug 17, 2014 12:12 am
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

You've got people who would rather eat their socks than be your partner in that science fair project that you must have a partner in or else you will fail, you've got people who go crazy for monster rpg games and dragon card games who always are stuck ups to teachers, and then you have those idiotic females who tend to think that they are stars in a musical or movie and try to make everyone like them, sing for no reason, or say rude things about people such as "Oh my god, that guy has like a zit on his head, he is like, so ugly, oh my god." Which annoys me a lot.

First of all, this is one huge, long sentence. I know that it's all about one subject (the type of kids that are at school), but you still have to split it up. Even if you make it into separate sentences it still works. Also, the last part there where I underlined confuses me. I can't tell if it's part of the sentence or if it's a completely different sentence. The part you put in quotation marks should have the period after the quotation mark instead of inside of it. That'll make it easier to decipher whether that's a sentence or not there at the end.

One more thing, God should always be capitalized; always. Doesn't matter what kind of saying you're using it in. The word 'gods' is always lowercase, but God is always capital.

Now to go on of when the crazy stuff started to happen.

Let me explain who my good friends are.

I'm not a huge fan of these kind of things in novels. Let me tell you why. A novel is a story. And it breaks the flow when something like this comes up. You want the story to just come alive for us. The characters should find their way into the story and then you should introduce them. Same thing goes for the "crazy stuff" that you mention. Let the story flow, don't force it.

"Idiot! He must have waited her for hours!" Baily yelled at Rin. "Hey! I was only in the bathroom for three minutes! Does it look like he's been here for hours?" Rin yelled. "Well you take a long time using it!" Baily shouted. They started to growl like animals at each other.

So here you have two different characters speaking in the same paragraph. Each time there is a new person speaking, there should be a new paragraph. That way the readers won't get confused and left wondering who is saying what. To me in this paragraph, it seems like Baily is the one saying that he was in the bathroom for three minutes, when really it was Rin.

Overall this is a pretty good first chapter. You've definitely grabbed my interest here. I am left wondering exactly what's going on and what this magic store has to do with everything. Obviously something weird is going to happen soon. I mean, you can't walk into a creepy shop like that and not having something strange happen to you afterwards.

There are quite a few typos in this chapter, but I'm not going to point them out seeing as it would clog up the entire review. Just make sure to read over this again when you edit and you'll find all of those typos.

I do wish we would've gotten to know a bit more about Baily and Rin. I know that they are your MC's characters, but that's really all I know. Alright, I lied. I do know a few more things about them. Baily is very interested in magic and always likes to fight with Rin. But that's it. I would've loved to see more of their personalities come out here in this chapter. Maybe we'll get to see more of this character development in the next chapter :)

Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'll be glad to come back and review it!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Mon Aug 11, 2014 10:20 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



'you've got people who go crazy for monster rpg games and dragon card games who always are stuck ups to teachers' - this should be a new sentence and I take offence to this sentence. Not all RPG players and dragon card players are 'suck ups' (oh, and you put a 't' in 'suck') and not all suck-ups are bad people. You know how you end the next one with 'who annoy me'? Please could you stick something like that in there otherwise it very much feels as if your own opinion is coming through your character, especially since it's in 1st person.

'excelent friends' - 'excelent' should be 'excellent' but I like that your protagonist is not the usual underdog. I've been thinking about that recently. People never write characters about beauty pageant contestants because they don't want to be around one for the time it takes to write a novel but that means their story never gets told which is probably a real shame.

'Now to go on of when the crazy stuff started to happen.' - 'of' should be 'to'.

I'm not going to correct your spelling btw because it's mostly typos. Maybe look over it again though.

When Baily and Rin are having there argument you should take a new line for every time someone different speaks.

'into this." he said.' - the full stop should be a comma because this is a speaking verb. Had it been something like 'smiled', 'rolled his eyes' or 'nodded' etc then it would have been a full stop and capital letter.

'I thought me and him were friends!' - ah, a classic :) 'me and him' should be 'him and I'. And since this non-magic-muggle seems to be so confident in his opinions and reminds me very much of a hipster, he would probably take great pride in having better grammar than everyone else.

'but that was soon not exacally an option yet.' - there should be a capital letter at 'But' and 'exacally' is spelled 'exactly'.

'If only my friends didn't leave.' - 'didn't leave' should be 'hadn't left'.

'There were candles, jews, novetly items,' - jews? I have no idea what you meant here but I certainly hope the shop wasn't selling Jewish people.


Okay, plot stuff. While I am not a particular fan of - wait what is this guy's name? - I have to admit that you have characterised him brilliantly. I think Baily may have been a little flat and I think you focussed on the magic a bit much. Rin was very good though and I could picture him well.

The setting at the beginning was very little but I guess that emphasised the excitement your character got from the shop. Maybe if you just described the place as at first being bland and ordinary. It would provide a similar contrast plus a backdrop for your story.

Your plot is intriguing and mysterious. You have embraced cliche and practically broken the fourth wall to acknowledge them. I am excited to see where this will go. I don't quite understand the need for all the high school stuff. Maybe you could just have Baily and your protagonist discuss grades and Rin tell them to shut up about their amazing brains. I think the whole description of his school life was just a bit much.

Well done :)





cron
fun fact i hear my evil twin once wrote a story about a hacker who used the name fyshi33k bc there are 33k-ish species of fish and she liked phishing so fyshi-33k made sense but then she got super embarrassed when someone forced her to explain
— VyperShadow