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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Split Sides

by Tuxedomask


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Here we are again, he is calling my name making shivers go down my back. His name is Dominic and he is my own personal demon, who has been haunting my dreams for over 15 years. I have not properly introduced myself yet. My name is Tommy, and I am one of the youngest serial killers I know of at age 18. Dom talks to me, threatens me that if I do not kill he will take over my body. I do not want that to happen so I am always sneaking out at night looking for some poor victim to slaughter. Tonight it is this nice blonde that is seemingly taking a nightly jog. Little does she know that I have been following her for over a mile, now no one is around. So I quickly but quietly sneak up to her and slice her throat open while holding her mouth, so she does not scream. I wait until she finally quits fighting and let her fall to the ground. I get out my trusty pliers and take one of her teeth and put it in my pocket before running away. I run back to my house and climb back through my bedroom window. I pass by the full body mirror that is near my computer table. I have blood all over my face and clothes, I usually wear a black hoodie with black pants and brown boots when I go out to kill. I slide my hand under the drawer that is in my room to reveal a black square box. I open it up to see 26 teeth I put another one in. I then sit for a moment and enjoy the feeling, Dom then speaks to me. "You like collecting those teeth, and I like savoring those kills. lets keep it that way.'' I then say ''Yeah you have got me there, so what do we do now?'' ''We go to sleep and act like nothing has happened like all the other times.'' ''Ok well hear from you later Dom'' Its nice speaking to him every once, but it gets tiresome when you hear him in your thoughts 24/7. I then proceed to go brush my teeth then go to bed. I wake up to the sounds of my sister ranting about the ''West Virginian Ripper'' a.k.a. me. She is saying ''Why the hell haven't they caught him yet? Lazy ass cops do not know how to do their job.'' Mom says ''Watch your mouth young lady, they will find him its just a matter of when.'' I do not really talk to them, and they don't talk to me so its sort of a mutual relationship with the both of them. I eat the food Mom was cooking and proceed to get dressed for school and go outside. Me and my sister get on the bus then when I get off at the high school I am met by my best friend Sam. Sam is a horror fanatic and research's serial killers all the time, his favorite being yours truly. Although he doesn't really see who I am behind the mask. He says '' Man have you heard about the last victim of the WVR?" Hmm he seems to have created a nickname for it, seems pretty cool. I say '' No, and I do not want to hear about it.'' He seems a bit discouraged and the bell for class rings and we proceed to go to class. All day all I hear about is what the WVR has done. No wonder most serial killers turn themselves in, I feel like somebody is going to come after me like that Bay Harbor Butcher that was in Miami. Oh well I go home and watch a couple of horror movies before Dom starts to speak '' You need to kill again, remember the clock is ticking. kill or I will take over and murder your loved ones. I say '' Ok, I am on it.'' I grab my kill clothes that were under my drawer, and I also grab my knife. I go outside and make a couple of rounds around my town, and I see this guy in clothes similar to mine start stabbing this one women. He was just stabbing her over and over, he made me look like a fucking angel. He ran down a alley and I ran after him, I saw him laying next to the wall of building. I lifted his hood up and I saw Sam.


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Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:41 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



The first thing I've noticed is that this isn't separated out into paragraphs. I'll review it anyway but could you please separate it out?

'I have blood all over my face and clothes, I usually wear a black hoodie' - this comma should be a full stop.

'I open it up to see 26 teeth I put another one in.' - it should be a new sentence at the second 'I'.

'lets keep it that way.' - 'lets' should be 'Let's'.

'every once' - I think you meant 'every once in a while'.

'its just a matter of when' - 'its' should be 'it's'.

'kill or I will take' - 'kill' should be 'Kill'.

'this one women' - 'women' should be 'woman'.


Okay, plot stuff. For not being split into paragraphs, this was surprisingly easy to follow. I got a good sense of who Tommy was and his relationship with his family. Your twist was unexpected and made a good impact.

I'd like a little more history of how Tommy first started hearing Dom. Also, perhaps you could have a bit more about Sam because he turns out to be such an important character. Some additional setting description may also have helped.

Well done :)



Random avatar
Tuxedomask says...


Thanks for the review. I will be sure to separate the next chapter into paragraphs, and in the next one it will explain a little bit about Tommy's past. Just a heads up this is sort of a sequel to the tv show Dexter.



ExOmelas says...


Oh right. I haven't seen that but I was wondering what this was fanfiction of. :)



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Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:36 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

First off, this is one big paragraph. And honestly, I found it a bit hard to follow. You should most definitely break it up into different paragraphs. That way it'll be a bit more appealing upon first glance and it'll be easier to read. Just a tip :) If you need help figuring out where to break into paragraphs, let me know. I can help you out.

Whoa, quite a bomb you set off there at the beginning. Your main character has a personal demon who has been haunting his dreams for fifteen years?? That's pretty intense. I like the way you start out with that information. You really pull the reader in like that, have them feel bad for this boy and want to learn more about this demon and what he's been doing. I like to see this tactic used in writing because it's quite an intense way to pull everyone in.

Wow, what an intense chapter! First you start off with that information about Tommy in the beginning, then you end with us finding out that Sam, Tommy's friend, is an assassin just like him. Alright, well, I'm assuming that he's an assassin. I mean, he could've just gone out and killed someone just for kicks. But either way, he's much more vicious than Tommy and now Tommy knows it. I'm wondering how this will affect their friendship, if at all.

If I could say anything about this chapter, I'd say that it's a bit rushed. Sure Tommy goes out and kills people and word gets around whenever he does, but what about everything else? How does Tommy feel about all of this. He does tell Sam that he doesn't want to talk about what the WVR had done lately, but that's not fulfilling my need for that emotion. He feels guilty, yes, but does he feel like telling everyone who mentions that WVR that he's is him? Does he jump every time he turns and sees someone watching at him? Secretly being an assassin isn't exactly a secret you can keep and just deal with. There has to be some kind of guilt and intense paranoia in there somewhere. Dig deeper into Tommy's life and really show us what goes on in his mind. I'm looking forward to knowing about that.

Let me know when the next chapter is out! I'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**



Random avatar
Tuxedomask says...


I will be sure to go into his past in the next one. He is not an assassin he is a serial killer, I do not know if you prefer to call him a assassins instead. This is going to be a sequel to the tv show Dexter.



Noelle says...


*facepalm* I totally meant to say serial killer. I have no idea where assassin came from...




In short, Mrs. Pontellier was beginning to realize her position in the universe as a human being, and to recognize her relations as an individual to the world within and about her.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening