This is it, this is my chance to leave this cruel world that I have to live in. Good bye cruel people that bully me at school for being different, I hope you all feel guilty for what you have driven me to do. Mom, dad I'm sorry to have to do this to you, but you were never there for me. You left me to fend for myself. Did you really not hear me crying at night? I yelled and begged for someone to save me, but no once seemed to notice.... Didn't you worry when you saw my cuts and scars? I guess not.....Now it is time to say good bye to all these horrible images that everyone has imprinted in my mind.
I left the note on the bed and climbed out the window. I walked to the park that I had grown to love. It was an abandon place that I came to hide from society. It held every secret I whispered to the wind. I smiled and looked at the biggest tree that I had successfully climbed when I was five years old. I was always here, though no one knew nor cared. I made my way to the trunk and started to set up my death. I heard a police siren not to far off and knew my mom had come home early. She usually never did unless auntie was coming to visit. I hated auntie, she is the woman who told her son to start all of this at school. That was two years ago. It did hurt knowing that not even your own blood cared or wanted you....but I was now used to the thought being stuck in my head since I was eight years old....
I climbed the rest of the way and looked down to the ground. God please forgive me for doing this, but I really just want out of this all. Please forgive me.
I slipped one foot down then I heard my name being yelled. I jumped off faster knowing who the voice belonged to. I heard yells and gasps, but I didn't feel pain, instead I felt arms wrapped around my waist. "Don't do this, you have much to live for," he told me. I felt the tears spring to my eyes. I felt the rope leave my neck and turned to see my big brother, but he was gone....he left three years ago. How was he here? He was supposed to be up there waiting for me with open arms. This just couldn't be, but he was here holding me and telling me I was set for something so much better if I just waited, but I didn't want to live with out him anymore.
I'm still here for you baby sister, he told me as he vanished from my sight.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was quite a sweet little story....it didn't looks it was gonna be so for the majority of the time there..but at the end it did end up coming good...and well....I think its a story that definitely manages to do what it wants to do and does it pretty well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that's not starting off too well for this one here..oh dear...quite a series of terrible events being laid out there...that can't be good for anyone's mental health having to live through situations like that and it all just being dismissed by the parents too....that's not a good sign at all here...
Well...this is definitely going in the worst direcion possible this one...oh gosh...well no punches being pulled in this narrative here...the situations that they're describing here just seem to continue to be getting worse and the way that they're just methodically and mechanically listing off how they're mother might have come home early and hence the whole police thing just shows just how focused they're on just carrying out this act and not at all second guessing themselves here.
Oh that line right there...is potentially the most powerful one here...just nailing home quite how horrible the situation and how desperate they are to just end their life here.
Oooh...well that felt like a really interesting ending there that one...oh wow...well...that's a lot happier than I imagined this ever being here....definitely feels like it might have been something divine or something there...her brother just appearing there to remind here that she still has a lot to live for...oh well...I live for happy endings so I love this...xD
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Well...this a wholesome little ending to this powerful story depicting just how badly situations can end up piling on top of a person and then just lead to horrible things. Well...anyway that's all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Salutations.
This really is a short story, but your length is not a problem, seeing as you successfully conveyed your message and theme. It is lacking in some aspects though, but it certainly has potential.
Before I get to your short story itself, I would like to say that I am glad to have found another user of the indent. Alright, now to the review.
I don't mean to be rude, but the worst mistake you can make (well, not the worst, per se, but still one of the worst) is to begin and/or end your short story with a cliché. The "Goodbye, cruel world!" is one of those clichés often used when the topic concerns suicide. Here's a hint: don't. Not only does the usage of a cliché indicate that you lack the imagination to create your own original saying, but it can also mean that you are amateurish or just plain lazy. Now please, this is not an insult, as I did not say you are, I am simply saying that's how others may perceive it. In addition, whenever I come across a very common cliché, I feel like the work in which it appeared is not worth my time, so I stop reading it. Chasing away readers, especially the above-standard ones (they are the ones who would especially be irked by the presence of clichés), is a big no-no.
This is a typo, plain and simple (you see? that's an example of a cliché) - you forgot the "-ed".
Don't say you did not realise it should be an adjective instead of a verb; if that is what you are thinking, just go with saying it's a typo.The second error, however, is an error outright, for it should be where.The rest is okay, although your varied indents are slightly disturbing. I'd advise that you make all of them the equal length. And I understand the elder brother part, but I am at a loss when it comes to the girl's suicide attempt. Is she dead and she saw her brother's spirit, or did his spirit come to her and convince her not to take her life?
Other than the lack of clarity, I think you can also put more effort into describing the girl's surroundings. Like I said, this short story has potential, but because you did not create much of an emotional connection between the reader and the protagonist either, it does not make for a very satisfying read.
Review Week
Thank you for the review, I will try my best to fix it.
An interesting idea, slightly hard to follow in places however with work it could progress into something.
I'd try to make it obvious at the beginning that the protagonist is female as this could lead to confusion further on in the story but this is nothing major, just a simple sentence needs adding to sort that out. Something that would give the impression that a female is telling the story, i.e. mention that as she came back from dance with cuts there was never any recognition of this even though they were plain to see. Although dance is performed by males and females the majority are females I have come to believe therefore this leads people to that assumption.
The plot itself is good and changing from her thoughts to her telling the story was good. If the story was told in third person it may develop it further because as the reader will know the protagonist here doesn't die as she is here telling the story so telling it from another angle may help although the way it has been told here is just fine.
I am glad I took the time to read this piece and best of luck!
Thank you for the review I will try my best to fix it up a bit.