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E - Everyone

It came down to Star Wars, in the end.

by Morrigan


"I love you," I said. 
"I know," he said. 

"Can we lay down for a while?" I said. 
The cotton of his shirt still feels warm on my cheek
(it bore the rebel insignia),
and he said that it pained him, too,
to dismantle our empire. 

He had gathered up my belongings
in white plastic satchels before I arrived.
My head drifting in space, 
I picked up the bags before I left
finally. 

"I love you," I wept. 
"I know," he breathed. 


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Thu Oct 09, 2014 4:26 am
Willard says...



I feel the need to say this again, since it's been a while since this was made but

I still love this.


Great job, Mags

Once again,

great.
g
r
e
a
t




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Sat Aug 23, 2014 9:13 am
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skorlir wrote a review...



You made a lot of conscious decisions in this poem (as I've seen from your comments below), and I'll try to keep those in mind.

Take with salt; mind the edges.

"Can we lay down for a while?" I said.


"I said" is really, really boring here. You use it to some meaningful effect above, but repeating it again here just detracts from that. You could use "I asked," for instance, but that's still not a great improvement.

I think the best thing you can do is to remove the dialogue marker entirely. Just leave the question there - never mind who asked it. (The "who" pales in significance to the "we," in this case.)

[...]to dismantle our empire.


Knowing Star Wars and the lore around it with some (limited, but loving) intimacy, I can't understand how the Rebels would feel attached to the Empire. It is a manifestation of all that is wrong and evil and dark in the Galaxy. It murdered their peacekeepers, their protectorate, and wrested control over their massive intergalactic congress by force and fear, then imposed far-reaching and restrictive military control.

So... "our empire?" As if somehow it is dear to them? And they are "pained" to "dismantle" it? I do not understand. If this is a metaphor for something different - suppose the empire is meant to symbolize their relationship - that is lost to me. It does not follow.

I also agree with one of your previous reviewers that the parenthetical aside is slightly confusing. That said, I don't think there's an obvious way to improve that, and it does work as-is.

He had gathered up my belongings
in white plastic satchels before I arrived.
My head drifting in space,
I picked up the bags before I left
finally.


I feel that I only partway understand your meaning in this stanza.

I get that he has packed up her things, that they are ready for her, and she is left in an awkward, uncertain place - her head adrift.

But you never provide an impetus. I can infer, from my knowledge of Star Wars, what that might be, but it takes a little too much effort, and doesn't fill in all the blanks.

So she's being sent away - not just leaving on her own - and the significance of that only really just hit me. I understood that this was mimicking, in part, the scene between Han and Leia before Han is frozen in carbonite. But that scene doesn't directly relate to dismantling the empire. And Leia is not being sent away; Han is being imprisoned.

Not that the analogy is necessarily poor, but the connection you are making to that scene is weak. It doesn't fully explain itself. You need to add more to it - not necessarily making this a longer poem, but merely one which stands on its own better, which does not require logical leaps from a relatively unrelated scene in Star Wars to the events unfolding as I read.

It begins and ends quite capably, this. It's the meaty part in the middle that runs a bit thin.

I find myself wondering a few things - none of which are necessarily bad questions to leave to the reader:

For one, is he breaking up with her and sending her out? Or something else?

Is he at risk of dying? Is he about to perform a significant function? Strike back against some other force? Or is the meaning simpler than that?

Is she weeping for herself (for her pain), or for him?

Really, the most of it is just wondering whether "I know" is an acknowledgment, or a reciprocation. Which is a powerful device. I really like that part of the piece - and it's honestly that element alone which makes me feel that this poem has a salvageable core, in spite of the fact that it isn't all there yet.

Perhaps you meant for the poem to have an undefined center; for the reader to make up the meaning. But I still feel you don't have enough crumbs for that to be easily possible.

Altogether, I'd love to see this revised and worked on - improved from its current state to tell more of a story and connect better with its parallel scene in the Star Wars universe. It has potential.

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir




magpie says...


Thanks!
Honestly, I didn't even have a specific scene that I was trying to connect the plastic bags part with, just trying to leave the impression that she was indeed being sent away, as this poem is more of a break up poem than a star wars poem, though my ex boyfriend was a big fan of star wars... Mostly I was just very emotional when I wrote this so I can see how the middle got thin. Thank you again!



skorlir says...


Well, the scene is where your famous quotation comes from. It's hard to think of this as not being purposefully connected to it. (I wasn't specifically talking about the stanza with the plastic bags.) ;) "I love you." "I know."



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Fri Aug 08, 2014 3:24 pm
Romania wrote a review...



Its a nice short read. I realize its a memory but i noticed you have been a member for a while but try to add more complex vocabulary in order to make the writing more vibrant. I haven't read any of your other works so this is narrow-minded view on the poem itself. I enjoyed how you tied the end of the poem with a more negative meaning from the beginning.




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Sun Aug 03, 2014 6:45 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have here...

How did this get into the spotlight and still have no reviews? 0-0 I like the way you had the main character remembering something and the analogy with Star Wars but it makes it kind off confusing. I don't think the parentheses for the sentence, "it bore the rebel insignia" Another thing, where the guy goes I know, when the main character(boy or girl) says I love you, it seems kind off bad. XD If someone says that to you in real life, they may be found as selfish. One other thing that I wish that you would have done is that when the main character asks to lay down, to use the word asked and not said because said is dead(as my brother says..).

Now for the things that I really liked about this piece. This is a very well made piece and I think that you did a great job with it. The metaphor is really great and complex(and that's what may have scared people away from it XD). The romance was really awesome, I really love it. The grammar and spelling is flawless. You organization is great. My favorite line in this, that I can't stop thinking about is the one where she says that they were going to dismantle their empire. That just made me think.(it's never good to make an elefant think). Overall, great job! You could do a thing or two to improve it. Have a nice mini-review day! Keep calm and keep writing!




magpie says...


Thank you for your input. I'd like to explain some of my choices to you.

1) "I love you," and "I know" are things that Han Solo and Princess Leia, two important characters in the Star Wars universe, say to each other, famously, in the movies. Also, this is a break up poem (as illustrated in the third stanza with the taking back of stuff). The guy is breaking up with the narrator.

2) I used "said" on purpose after the question to create juxtaposition between the saids and the dialogue tags in the final stanza. The emotion builds as the narrator gathers their things and vacates the room, so different dialogue tags were used for the same words because the narrator doesn't want to go but can't really think of any reason other than the fact that they love him to stay.



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Fri Aug 01, 2014 2:53 pm
shtoobie says...



Your second stanza uses both past and present tense, an error you may ant to correct.

I hate to have brought it upon a negative note. It seems like a good piece, although I can't quite understand what is happening in the story. I like how you started and ended it though!




magpie says...


The narrator is remembering a moment. So the shirt still feeling warm on her cheek is a clue that this is a flashback rather than it happening right now.


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shtoobie says...


Ah....




I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings