I feel the need to say this again, since it's been a while since this was made but
I still love this.
Great job, Mags
Once again,
great.
g
r
e
a
t
"I love you," I said.
"I know," he said.
"Can we lay down for a while?" I said.
The cotton of his shirt still feels warm on my cheek
(it bore the rebel insignia),
and he said that it pained him, too,
to dismantle our empire.
He had gathered up my belongings
in white plastic satchels before I arrived.
My head drifting in space,
I picked up the bags before I left
finally.
"I love you," I wept.
"I know," he breathed.
I feel the need to say this again, since it's been a while since this was made but
I still love this.
Great job, Mags
Once again,
great.
g
r
e
a
t
You made a lot of conscious decisions in this poem (as I've seen from your comments below), and I'll try to keep those in mind.
Take with salt; mind the edges.
"Can we lay down for a while?" I said.
[...]to dismantle our empire.
He had gathered up my belongings
in white plastic satchels before I arrived.
My head drifting in space,
I picked up the bags before I left
finally.
Its a nice short read. I realize its a memory but i noticed you have been a member for a while but try to add more complex vocabulary in order to make the writing more vibrant. I haven't read any of your other works so this is narrow-minded view on the poem itself. I enjoyed how you tied the end of the poem with a more negative meaning from the beginning.
Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have here...
How did this get into the spotlight and still have no reviews? 0-0 I like the way you had the main character remembering something and the analogy with Star Wars but it makes it kind off confusing. I don't think the parentheses for the sentence, "it bore the rebel insignia" Another thing, where the guy goes I know, when the main character(boy or girl) says I love you, it seems kind off bad. XD If someone says that to you in real life, they may be found as selfish. One other thing that I wish that you would have done is that when the main character asks to lay down, to use the word asked and not said because said is dead(as my brother says..).
Now for the things that I really liked about this piece. This is a very well made piece and I think that you did a great job with it. The metaphor is really great and complex(and that's what may have scared people away from it XD). The romance was really awesome, I really love it. The grammar and spelling is flawless. You organization is great. My favorite line in this, that I can't stop thinking about is the one where she says that they were going to dismantle their empire. That just made me think.(it's never good to make an elefant think). Overall, great job! You could do a thing or two to improve it. Have a nice mini-review day! Keep calm and keep writing!
Your second stanza uses both past and present tense, an error you may ant to correct.
I hate to have brought it upon a negative note. It seems like a good piece, although I can't quite understand what is happening in the story. I like how you started and ended it though!
Points: 0
Reviews: 409
Donate